Hovering, but without noise.

Tw: Suicide Idealization Mention.

Tw: Depression Mention.

Ps. I’m just venting into the void. I don’t want advice. I don’t even want to talk about this to people individually. Please don’t comment asking if I’m okay or if I want to talk.

How do I tell my parents I want to die? I don’t want them to think they couldn’t do anything to help me, because sometimes no one can.

I’m tired of distracting myself and although I know I’ll make it out alive when I’m in a bad place, that doesn’t always make things easier.

How do I stop the hovering of this dark place? I don’t always notice it, for all I know, maybe it isn’t hovering in the background. But it’s like a noise without a sound. I notice it sometimes, but I don’t always see it.

I’m in group therapy, I distract myself, I want to work and I’ll put in effort to finding a job and then back out. I’ve worked before when I’ve been in a worse place than this, but this still feels bad.

Am I sad? I don’t know. But my body is sad, it’s heavy, it’s disappointed in me and I know one day I’ll give in. The difference between counting down to the age of thirty and wanting to die and now, is that I’ve been alive a lot longer than I thought I’d be and I wanted to die for so long and now I don’t know what to do.

I didn’t always want to die. I still don’t always want to. But I’m tired of fighting these moments. I just want them to be easier.

I have tips and skills to ground myself, to distract myself, to make myself a little bit happier, but one day I won’t care to use them anymore.

But the funny thing is, is that even though I’m not always mentally stable, I’m more stable than I’ve been in a while. Instability has become my version of stability.

Twisted Eyelids

I can feel my thoughts
catching on my gums
every time I chew on
words that keep
getting caught underneath
my tongue
and it’s uncomfortable

I can see my own eyelids
from the inside
twisting images
and squeezing the memories
out onto my skin
drip drip dripping
all over my veins

I can hear my brain
spinning on top of my
spinal cord
turning around
like a carousel
only my skull is
the seat that my sanity
is sitting on
as insanity controls the speed

Deleting and making a new blog.

To my followers and anyone who comes across this.

I have had this blog for I believe 4 or 5 years now and when I first made it, I used my legal first name as my url and I want to get away from that.

I’d hate to lose my followers, but I want to make a new blog and move all of my writing over to it.

I will make another post with my new blog url when I make one.

Thank you to all of you who have stuck with me since the beginning and thank you to all of my new readers.

 

Scrambling Inconvenience

Run, what are you waiting for?
He said he would always be here
Here he is knocking at my own mind’s window
But the door has been broken in, walked over
Trampled over as an inconvenience

I am just an inconvenience, but he stays because he knows that
I am not worth much
And he stays because he loves how sad I get
He’s slaying me and not with a physical weapon
but his words are crowding me, drowning me, lowering me
into a den of my past regrets
Watching me scramble for air

What have I done to become
such a fowl beast of despair?
Waiting to push them aside, waiting for this to walk on by
like a stranger telling me their secrets one second
the next, it’s as though I never heard a thing
Never listened a thing
Never peeped an eye

Please leave me alone sir, I was doing fine on my own
or was I? I don’t even remember a time when you didn’t whisper horrible nothings in my hole
Please sir, please just stop tormenting me

Hopeless Depressee

​People used to call me a leach, but he has been nothing but a bottom feeder towards me, sucking me of my self worth
He yells at me and I don’t always tune him in because hes determined to holler until I come at his becking call
I can’t see anything but haze

I can’t feel anything but everything at once

And I can’t desire anything but a mixture of death and decay and love
I just want to give in and little by little, I’m putting the icing on his cake

And step by step, hes ripping my bones out and laying them across my spine and using it as a ladder to lure me in
And I’m still here, but I’m crying for hope

Because it’s still in me and he knows that

Codependent Sea

I can finally be myself
But who am I when
Im so used to being codependent?

People are around me
New sea of faces
But the old familiar scent
Of depression seems to be lingering
No matter where I crawl off to

I’m trying to walk towards the same destinations
Whilst the tires of my skin
Are wearing skin
And my heart is wearing thin

But not many things are unattainable

Honest Throats

Coffee stained regrets and cigarette infused thoughts                               Overwhelmed by the gut wrenching permanency                                       brought in with every inhale

Empty throats and trembling hearts intoxicated                                             with growing dependencies on new interruptions

Rising tension and dissipating sources                                                     Exhausting ever crevice and corners                                                                       that the mind has in store

Dreaming of old settlements and sleepless filled drunkenness                 Fighting with promises made under false pretensions                                     and honest remarks spewed through timeless efforts

 

depression

Sometimes depression makes me feel like I’m living out someone else’s life because one minute i have a strong head on my shoulders and the next day iw ake up forgetting that i even had stability for even a few minutes or that it felt like years ago.

It’s as though, I’m falling down and I’m screaming, but the waves are hitting me so hard that everytime I even attempt to stand up, my legs knock down beneath me.

 

Graved Truths

I’d be lying
If I didn’t try
To tell you the truth
About wanting to lay down
Inside and stew
In my own grave

I’d be lying
If I spilt but didn’t cry
Whenever I needed to escape
This headspace cave
Built from nothing

Shore Destruction

I’ve fallen in love with the shores because it’s waves remind me of the thoughts that come and go, invading everything that I am and believe in.

The weather can be so settle, but that doesn’t mean the tides won’t come and demolish everything you’ve built.