Honest Throats

Coffee stained regrets and cigarette infused thoughts                               Overwhelmed by the gut wrenching permanency                                       brought in with every inhale

Empty throats and trembling hearts intoxicated                                             with growing dependencies on new interruptions

Rising tension and dissipating sources                                                     Exhausting ever crevice and corners                                                                       that the mind has in store

Dreaming of old settlements and sleepless filled drunkenness                 Fighting with promises made under false pretensions                                     and honest remarks spewed through timeless efforts

 

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Depressing Haunts.

I feel so alone, even though I have people around me sometimes. I just want to push everyone away. My old problems are starting to hit me like a brick again. Not that they stopped haunting me, they were just hovering.

I have a job.. part time, I longboard almost every other day, I try to read once in a while but sometimes my lack of attention span gets to me, I want interaction with my friends, but life is slowly draining me again.

I want to talk. I want to be there for people, but sometimes I just can’t even be there for myself, you know? I have hopes. I have dreams…. but they’re becoming more broken and I haven’t chipped away at them as much as I could have.. should have… the should haves are getting to me.

I could be worse… my problems aren’t as bad as some people’s, but that doesn’t make me any less valid, does it? People tell me I am valid, but I don’t feel that way sometimes.

I’m losing myself more and more everyday. I wish I could write more often, but I keep running out of words. It’s hard to transfer all of my feelings into words. This entire time for years, I thought I was writing what I was feeling, and sometimes I was and do write about how I feel.. but it’s usually how I think I feel. I didn’t realize that until therapy.

I hate that my therapist is away until near the end of August.. I just started getting back into therapy because I stopped going. I thought I could handle being alone… being without help… but I have a difficult time.

Abandonded Highway Eyes

You drove me somewhere, it felt so strange                                                    and I stepped out of the car to look around                                                       not sure why, but eyes

Staring towards me, my direction           in from a car                                           ones gleaming and startling me         stirring this energy inside of me

Backing off, away from destruction        I could feel them from behind me          so there I was, you had already left       and abandonded I was                      calling you but entering the wrong number as I walked along the highway

Knifed Witch

There I was, atleast I think it was me, I was standing somewhere I don’t recall ever being to before.

This woman, she looked awfully familiar as though I knew her outside of the character she presented as on the television, was there.

She made me do things for her, as though I was her personal slave and I think other people were used up and thrown away by her. Having their loving versions of them stripped away with every bleeding stroke placed upon by this woman.

So here I was, listening to her every command. She told me to clean the walls of this place, building? I have no idea, it could have just been a free wall for all I knew.

I remember using this long standing pole that extended long ways above my head with a knife attached to it underneath a light bluish-turqiouseish cleaning cloth.

Scrubbing, moving along the wall, up and down like the person she tried to make me into.

Eventually this girl came along, stopped by to see what we were doing. What I was doing. She had a nose ring and I remember telling her that she was pretty, but it was as though I wasn’t there.

Invisible like I had felt for years. Non- existent to those who didn’t expect anything from me.

I looked at the woman and I don’t remember what she said to me, but it appeared as thiugh she was angry at me for stopping what I was doing and then all of a sudden, this baby appeared.

Whether the baby was there the entire time or not, I had no idea. So I picked the baby up and started talking with them. I remember feeling frightened by their movements as though it was about to bite me every time it loomed and fell forward into my chest.

That’s all I remember and they say that dreams usually mean something.

Maybe it’s that I’ve felt invisible because I stopped caring about people and I let people walk on me and I only repeated what they did to me to people.