Hovering, but without noise.

Tw: Suicide Idealization Mention.

Tw: Depression Mention.

Ps. I’m just venting into the void. I don’t want advice. I don’t even want to talk about this to people individually. Please don’t comment asking if I’m okay or if I want to talk.

How do I tell my parents I want to die? I don’t want them to think they couldn’t do anything to help me, because sometimes no one can.

I’m tired of distracting myself and although I know I’ll make it out alive when I’m in a bad place, that doesn’t always make things easier.

How do I stop the hovering of this dark place? I don’t always notice it, for all I know, maybe it isn’t hovering in the background. But it’s like a noise without a sound. I notice it sometimes, but I don’t always see it.

I’m in group therapy, I distract myself, I want to work and I’ll put in effort to finding a job and then back out. I’ve worked before when I’ve been in a worse place than this, but this still feels bad.

Am I sad? I don’t know. But my body is sad, it’s heavy, it’s disappointed in me and I know one day I’ll give in. The difference between counting down to the age of thirty and wanting to die and now, is that I’ve been alive a lot longer than I thought I’d be and I wanted to die for so long and now I don’t know what to do.

I didn’t always want to die. I still don’t always want to. But I’m tired of fighting these moments. I just want them to be easier.

I have tips and skills to ground myself, to distract myself, to make myself a little bit happier, but one day I won’t care to use them anymore.

But the funny thing is, is that even though I’m not always mentally stable, I’m more stable than I’ve been in a while. Instability has become my version of stability.