Calmly Supports.

We were driving and that song came on
And everytime it rings in my ears
You’re there

Just you and I, siblings of the night
With dancing thoughts
And strands of hair resting calmly over our eyes

We were never super close, but you’ve made an impact on me

Without your support, and her’s, maybe I’d still be wishing that the night would just enfold around me and crush my dreams

But thanks to you, you brought to life more love for me

Dear B.

You told me that you wished you could have hugged me and held me close to your chest
And it was as though I got thrown back into time and my birth dad was sending me another message through you

I love you and I haven’t been present for most of my adult years
But I swear I hold you close
Your mind is flipping channels faster than I can keep up
And then the remote flicks through my brain waves and I’m trying to keep up with you

You said you hope we don’t leave your side and leave you alone

I won’t leave you, I love you
I won’t leave you, I love you
I won’t leave you, I’m not leaving you

Love your Grandson

Bullied Flames

Why are you so negative? You know that people don’t want to be around someone so sad all the time

They just threw words and unlike the saying goes, they did and do hurt

They didnt form enough sentences to bother with getting the facts, screaming of hatred

I’m here. I’m here. I’m here 

But is that enough when the tension between two siblings can’t even be split with a machete? 

The thing is, love does exist but I spent years convincing myself that it didn’t.

My hero doesn’t wear a cape, he breathes fire into my lungs and embraces the angel on my shoulder instead of pushing them off

Back Burner Mental.

I’m sorry that my mental healt is such an inconvenience. But this isn’t any different. Maybe I could learn to not react as strongly as I do at all the “wrong: times, but I need you two, more than you know.

This isn’t just going to go away, simply just by sitting down and talking with people who already made it clear that they will never support me. That’s why I hate it when people tell me that family will come around, and maybe some people’s families do come around, and maybe I could be worse off, but this is already my version of “worse”.

It’s getting to the point where I’m realizing that most of me is just confining myself to other people’s perceptions. I get it it’s not something easy, it’s not something that can happen over night. But I’m just as confused as you are if not more.

I’m the person you raised, just altered. I’m your daughter who is now your son…. atleast in my eyes. I have support, but not by many family members and it hurts when I say that I’m going to have to cut out family and all you say is “do what you need to do”…. why can’t you just come around? Why can’t you just call me male. I’ve been mostly gender fluid mostly my entire life and now that I’m trying to actually be upfront and in the open about it, I’m being shut down.

People tell me to step into your shoes and try to see what it would be like to have a child who’s transgender or who is just simply being themselves. I’d like to think that even if I hadn’t gone through what I’ve gone through, that I’d try to understand what my child goes through. I’d like to think that I’d still love them with open arms and a steady heart.

Maybe you will come around, I’m just tired of feeling like I deserve this. Like I deserve to be told that I’m someone I’m not and just the thought of being introduced to people by the pronouns I grew up with, rather than my actual pronouns and name, actually hurts me more than the reality of it.

I love you, I probably always will. But sometimes Love simply isn’t enough. I’m tired of putting my mental health at risk. For anyone but myself.

Mom, dad, I’m your son.

Mom, dad, it’s as though you have three sons instead of two and one daughter
Was what I said to my parents before I realized I was who I am today
Although I may have said it in a joking way, I was being serious
And maybe, just maybe, I’ll say it again to them
And maybe, just maybe, I can tell them that every time they say ” I love you…. but…” that the ” but ” only encourages me back into the closet I forgot existed besides the one I store my clothes in
So dark, so full of confusion and self hatred
They may be confused, but so am I at times
But they still have a child, just a slightly differently version
They didn’t lose a daughter, they just lost the label
They gained a son

Change can change people.

It’s amazing how much can happen in a year, two years or even a few months.

I’ve pushed so many people away, mostly good. I’ve gone back to the people who brought nothing but toxicity upon my chest and left those that actually meant something to me. I didn’t realize it until they were gone.

Recently, I had got into an argument with one of my sisters whom which was my best friend. They overreacted in response to something, but so did I because I realized that I no longer could handle being near them.

Mostly because I felt like I was only staying in her life because I was reliving my teenage years through her and we were too alike and I had to move forward and grow up.

As much as I miss them at times, I’m still a bit less overwhelmed. Someone else is still haunting me from my past. I’ve done some things I regret, but I’m still trying to change my ways and I have but they refuse to believe that I can change.

Honestly, as much as I’m still the same person, as much as the time I still spend indulging in some old habits, therapy has been helping me.

I used to avoid therapy like the black plague. I gave myself reasons not to go. 5 sessions in with my new therapist and I feel better, not the best I cam be because whether I had years of issues or not, it’s still going to take time to figure my life out. Especially if I want to transition or not.

By I’m farther than I was and it’s okay to take steps backwards as long as I keep going forward. Which I’m trying to.

Verbal Mentality

You heard that I had tried                                                                                                                                                                                            to do myself in                                                                                                                                                                             go under the waves                                                                                                                                                                     allow them to swallow me as a whole

So you waited until the perfect time                                                                                                                                             told me of your past relationship with the devil himself                                                                                                             insisting that every step society has thought of to help recover one’s passion                                                                         for life is not tailored for each and every individual

Advice is what you sought out to give me                                                                                                                                  although you gave me your experience                                                                                                                                      that is one thing you can’t take away from someone

Continuing the conversation between drifted off day dreaming you mentioned                                                                     that if I go to see a professional                                                                                                                                        whether they be a psychiatrist or therapist and I become agitated                                                                                           at said person that they aren’t there to be my friend or to even                                                                                        purposely hurt me                                                                                                                                                                      that the reason I may have become agitated may                                                                                                                    be because those words were the truth and the truth kills

So on I went listening                                                                                                                                                            Sitting there                                                                                                                                                                        Actually paying attention to the words being verbally spewed                                                                                                then I hear the next sentence

You have to ask yourself, he said ” Do I really want to get better? ”                                                                                     Then you said that you were leaving that day to go somewhere                                                                                     suggested that I promise to give him an answer                                                                                                                        if I want him to help me or to continue                                                                                                                                  living in the darkened shadows that have become my life

I noticed you looking at me                                                                                                                                                          but as with anyone else                                                                                                                                                               I was too shy to look you in the eyes regardless what he said next                                                                                                                                                                                            I had no idea would ever exist to my ears once again until he worded them                                                                               ” Look at me, you’re a good person, you hate hearing that don’t you? Because you don’t believe that you’re a good person, but you are. ”

Thinking as it always comes naturally to me, set in and I had started putting in more effort with getting mental help after he had left and come back than I had in ages, maybe even years but it didn’t last long and here I am back to square one, starting to get therapy again