And I’ve been trying to walk these shores for years, but I’ve started to feed thin, wandering weak
I’m not where I need to be, but these steps have lead me here for a reason, shark bitten storms
They told me I could be whoever I wanted, but they didn’t teach me how to get through mourning over the loss of who I was and who I was told to be.
So here I , pondering in my little mind, stuck in a vault of my mistakes and my yet-to-be future self
I’m standing tall, on short stilts looking over my life, in a bed of birds chirping in my ear the things I strive to become
It was as though someone had shot andrenline directly into my mind
And I was then tattooed with an unforgivable quench
So thirsty for something peaceful, but with chaos I live
Running into the night like a wild boar
Watching closely for the cars passing
Passerby look and all I could do was appear strong, but I too am weak
I can’t breathe without insanity riding on my shoulders
Where has the time gone? I’m fleeing when fighting is at best but I’m nowhere to be found
Checked out, doors closing
Attempting to toggle between aware and completely disappearing into the void is one of the hardest things to do when all I can do is place all these burdens upon my own two feet
What will happen when they both give out? My ankles will collapse and my heart will crack and when someone tries to repair it, it will be like fixing a vase, only with each piece that falls, my brain falls with it.
I’m writing you this because I can’t really call you, or I could but I’d just be hearing your voice and I don’t want to make this any harder than it has been for the past few years.
We have been one in sync with each other since we were born. Attached to the hip some might say.
We were raised the same way, same values. But we started to drift farther and farther apart when we were in our early twenties, but we stayed together for the sake of our routines and our loved ones.
We knew that if we drifted too far apart, our families wouldnt accept us as much as they did when we tried to force things to work.
I’m finding a new love within myself and so I have to let most of you go, but I will never deny that you were ever on my mind, or in my heart, but the time has come for me to shed my old skin and walk in new shoes.
You will always be apart of me and I’ll hold you with me always, but like a child with their favourite blanket, they let go of it eventually but always remember it. You have been my blanket for my entire life.
I am filing a divorce from you so that I can be who I need to be on my own, but I’m sure we will still talk from time to time and your name will come up in conversations, probably often as I tell the story of us, but for now I have to let most of you go.
I want everything to do with you
I do nothing with people
But I would for you
I’m not a time machine that goes back
Warps you back, whips you forth
But I can help you move forward
If you wanted
I love you and I used to throw that around
And I don’t know how to share my love for you
With someone else
And I don’t want to hold back from loving someone else
No one is you, even similar they could be
But my heart may not beat for the.
The same settle way it breathes for you
My lungs inflate
Not swell with panic
With you I am strong, them I fall weak
I want you and what you have and don’t have to offer
Because at the end of the day
I care about you enough to move on
But it isn’t easy
Moving Feelings. // B.T.
I’m starting to feel like I’m getting to a place where I will be okay.
I’m becoming more positive as I push through this.
Having a friend like Bue is like how I feel about nature.
I don’t always converse with him or nature, but when I do, good vibes radiate through me and I feel better.
It’s nice having a friend or even a few close friends who aren’t strangers anymore who have can share good things with and them share their lives with me in general.
It’s truely freeing.
My moments of clarity are growing and happening more frequently.
I wish him well and I’m glad we are in each other’s lives.
Bigger and better things are coming for me and I hope they are for him too
Had a moment of clarity again
Talking with my friend online about transitioning and they got just as excited for me as I am and it’s amazing when my friends are happy and I’m happy for them in general
Just another friend to add to the list of good people in my life.
Things are OK this minute.
Another moment of clarity
It’s here and I want to tell you
That I’ve been having more ups than downs
Ive been wanting to share things with you, but out of worry that I may be annoying you with how positive I am, I have left you alone
But please, if you have any doubt, know I love you
We may never be anything more than friends again
Most likely not, probably not
Rare that we will
But I love you so much that it hurts because
Its been a while that I’ve actually loved someone this much to do almost anything for someone
You’ve taught me to be myself
And so here I am, being myself and hoping that one day you will experience this or something similar
One day you will be everything you’ve been needing and wanting to be without as many setbacks, as many obstacles.
I care about you more than you probably know
More than a ruler can measure
A sand bucket can hold
And a sand castle can withstand
Loving Clarity. // B.T
I feel like I’m on a roller coaster but my body isn’t strapped in, I’m falling out but no one can see me. I see a net and I fantasize throwing my soul down for something other than people to catch me in, cast a line for, reel in
My parents call me Sally meanwhile
The ocean, they call me Joe and
Even though I haven’t spent much time
Dabbling in him, it’s easier
Settling as her
But not better
My family, they tell me
Things that are in difficult mode
But im soft for them
Even though I’m scared of the depths of the water, I need to drown in him
And let go of her
Even if it means steps drop below
As I climb higher up the stalk
I’m crying out to crawl into a new skin
While other’s look and do what’s best for them
Call me this
I’m Joe and I walked up a hill and there she was pleaing with the sunrise to please allow her curtains remain open but before she knew the moon wiped through Joe and shook the ground beneath Sal
I peeked my face from behind the rose bush and smeared her tears into a smile and said ” Darling girl, like the tree says to the branches, I will always need a part of you, never forget you. ”
My chest opened up and my back arched and my soul jumped, danced with flowers in it’s ears then stood my spine aligned, grinned and kissed Joe, ripped his eyelashes off and sewed himself into my heart
Abandoned me if you have to
But I left before you could stand to
Pick up the door knob
And place it back into the hole
And screw it back in
I looked at you with soft eyes
And a good heart
But my past clouded my judgement
And I’m sorry that I walked fast
I needed a home in myself
And I kept trying to open your window and
Climb inside without you realizing
It wasn’t even locked
I hope good things sweep you up
And wipe your slate clean of fear
And you pick which doors to stay open
I can’t say I didn’t see this coming
But I wish it were different
But I packed my bags
Before you unpacked yours
Soft Doors. // B.T