note to past self

You were so young, even still at heart, but that was shot to hell when you lived for the last moments and not the tense pressured                                                                                             senses, saught out to destroy

Something, some part you couldn’t put a finger on                                                                               labels were something you discovered, but                                                                                   couldn’t find one worth salvaging

Like a treasure hunt, my heart was all over the map with my head on it’s own tracks

Adrenaline Quench

It was as though someone had shot andrenline directly into my mind
And I was then tattooed with an unforgivable quench

So thirsty for something peaceful, but with chaos I live
Running into the night like a wild boar
Watching closely for the cars passing

Passerby look and all I could do was appear strong, but I too am weak
I can’t breathe without insanity riding on my shoulders

Where has the time gone? I’m fleeing when fighting is at best but I’m nowhere to be found
Checked out, doors closing

Attempting to toggle between aware and completely disappearing into the void is one of the hardest things to do when all I can do is place all these burdens upon my own two feet

What will happen when they both give out? My ankles will collapse and my heart will crack and when someone tries to repair it, it will be like fixing a vase, only with each piece that falls, my brain falls with it.

Mishapened similarities

I’m on the bus and there’s a person on it that reminds me of you, similar high and prominent cheek bones, similar lip and mouth shape.

You asked me one day about how I felt about the name Alice for you, but right now looking at this person, I feel like you’re a Lucy. I’m not really sure why. An Alice Lucy.

Another day that I am reminded of you and I can’t speak to you. Another day that I think of you and can’t talk to you. I can’t come to you about anything. I can’t tell you I even miss you. I can’t tell you of the positive things lately. I can’t tell you that I care about you unless it’s through writing and even then you’ve probably stopped checking up on me.

Is this getting easier for you? Are you happier now? Maybe you’ve found someone else. Maybe you’re happier being alone now.

I hope I will be happy alone some day. I have made one with my bed and it’s become so addictive.

I hope that one day I stop hoping that we will end up in each other’s lives again. I hope that one day the hopes that you still think of me disappears. I hope that one day, I stop thinking about you.

One day I will become more of a nothing than I already am. I’m just waiting until it happens.

differences

I don’t always miss you and i wish things were different. maybe i should have just stuck with how i felt with when you threatened me the first time. i know you came back, but i should have been stronger and let you stay away.

then i came back after you left and i shouldnt have been so weak. i actually came back with gold intentions but yous aw them as stitched flaws and now we arent talking. you told me to never contact you again and i know that i dont need you. i dont always miss you, i dont always need you, i dont always want you, but the times i do, it’s genuine and not just because i cant have you or anyone else.

you said he didnt want me because of how shitty iw as and i know i blamed you for things, i think i listened to my friends because usually i need an outer opinion besides myself and i listened right away. some things you did do, most things i did but i played it off as you doing everything.

i no longer wish ill on you, you were a good person. you are a good person.

yu wont read this and if you do, you wont care, and maybe i dont care if you dont care, you already made it clear that you dont. i care enough to keep writing about you. second time tonight

i hope one day we can be civil. i hope one day we can look back and laugh or just forget it and move forward with eachother somehow.

im not asking to be your lover, your boyfriend, your soulmate, your husband. i’m just wanting to know you in rral life.

you’re gone now and i have to move on, assuming you have.

youre gone and i have to stop caring, assuming you have.

 

Sometimes I dread family gatherings even though they usually end up alright.

It isn’t because I don’t enjoy them, I just know that the people I’m sometimes surrounded by are people who don’t always accept and support my transition. I haven’t started transitioning yet but I plan to do so.

Today though, this family gathering was one of the best gatherings I’ve had in a very long time. The reason being that my younger brother, growing up we fought non-stop and we literally could not breathe the same air without some sort of fight happening and he never supported me being transgender, actually… ACTUALLY called me by my preferred name without it seeming forced. Sometimes he’d call me by my legal name afterwards but would laugh jokingly. It was a really nice feeling. He got a new phone and asked how to spell my name and what my email was. No other questions were asked. He actually has come around whether he supports me or not, he’s been making an effort.

It kind of givs me a little more hope regarding my entire family. That helped me so much already.

I’ve been feeling on and off shitty and lately just spending time with my family and my friends has made me feel less alone.

Usually I just sit with my thoughts and yesterday I stepped out of the house for the first time in literally 3 days. I’d wake up every few hours and then sleep consistantly for another 3 or 4 hours. I’d then stay in my room all day.

I had weird side effects from my medication and even now, I keep thinking about the things I’ve done, ways I’ve treated people, especially those who didn’t even do me any harm to begin with. I can’t go back, hell knows I would if I could. But I can’t.

Things usually turn out to be okay, I always turn out okay. It was enough for a while, but now it’s more than enough right now. I’d rather be okay than where I was exactly a week ago tonight.

I haven’t made much progress as far as relationships and friendships go, but the motivation is slowly creeping back up a few levels instead of constantly spiraling downwards.

I’ve been having trouble writing poetry lately, but I’m finally able to write these words tonight.

Tonight, I am okay. Tonight, I can feel and I’m okay with that. Tonight, I’m a bit sad, but I. Am. OKAY..

Missing Imbalance

I was mid sentence, paragraph really when I was writing something to you, for you, about you.

I stopped and erased it. A few times I wanted to send you more messages, I wanted to make things right when it was obviously too late.

You wanted me to tell you I cared, I still do.

I wish I had waited until we were both healed emotionally/mentally, but I had caved and now we aren’t talking anymore.

I keep looking to see if you’ve written about me, if I still cross your mind.

But if I do, it’s probably only because I hurt you, not that I would be thought of lightly anymore

I’m sorry that I took things too far. You didn’t deserve someone treating you the way I did

We have things in common. I let you go before you let me go and now we aren’t anything.

I’m not even a speck of dust in your little brain.

I wish you well.

Universal Shoulder

Worrying why I can’t seem to find my own head
Is it even on my shoulders, between them?
Riding into the night with lightening upon me

Where I’m going is somewhere my heart has been to but my body has not
And the universe is calling for my physicality
I’m giving in, slowly but surely it will rise and give itself to them

Them meaning something hopefully better than what’s down here. Here, I am still here even when I’m gone

I’m gone even when I’m here and I’m not making much sense
My fingers are growing tires from needing to vent out the words needed to spill into other people’s minds
Finger tips, once soft, callused like my heart.