There’s art in every inch of every city. New or old.

Do you ever just want to be alone, even if you’re at your saddest point?

I know that I do, I want to be alone because for once, I’m trying to figure out who I am, what I’m made of, what I can do, what i want to do and where I’m going and if it means that I have a better chance of figuring all of those things out, then I’ll do it alone.

I was in another city today. One I don’t go to often, but I’ve been to before on some occasions. I don’t know it very well, as there’s some parts of my own home city that I don’t know of yet. As I was walking with a friend and their friend, I was admiring the shininess of some of the buildings, the height of them, the people walking by, the different stores and restaurants. something about it, something about the business, the homeless, the poor, the rich, the sketchiness, was beautiful 

I don’t know what made all of that beautiful, but maybe it was the fact that they all seemed to flow together well, even though separately, all of those things are very different. 

I feel like going back and discovering more of the city alone. I don’t go out often and I get panicky and scared to explore on my own sometimes, but I want to go this time. I want to come across things that I think are brand new, but aren’t to others, just to myself. 

There’s art in every corner of every city. There’s art in the way the stores are put together along the streets, there’s beauty in the chaos of the cars and noises.


Stringed Mind

I can’t stand straight
See forward
Breathe softly
The alcohol is calling me
But tonight, I’m answering
Only the things that don’t
Scream my name
Or cry onto me
Here I am
Attempting to
Ignore the overwhelming
Not only is it dark
Because at some point
Even the darkness had some
Light to it
This is different
It’s never seen the sun
It’s been sitting
Nestled within my very rib cage
Heart you guess, no
Alive you ask, no
Dead you assume, no
Existent you ponder, no
It’s not a heart
It isn’t alive
is not dead
Nor does it exist
For it is something made up
To define one’s inner self
Numb to the core, it is

Dying to come back to life
But it was never alive
Never even breathing

Yet it still somehow
Yearns for my touch
My reply
My everything

Almost giving in
I reach my fingers across
The strings
Harder and harder
Against the guitar
Faster and faster
The more I hold it in

I’m bursting, I say
Continue to play me, it said
I’m deeply saddened, I stuttered
Have faith in me, it replied
I just want to be loved, I cried
You’ve given up on me, but I’m still here, it answered

Still I sit here, trying to think of
Something clever to tell you
To sing to you
But all of my words
Come out as jumbled as my brain

Never try to pick through all
Of the layers of anyone
For even if you do
You will wish you never had
For the secrets that lie within
Are so scarily disturbing
That even the person
Withholding this
These patterns
Can’t figure out
What’s going on
Nor do they know how to
Control it

Every fear
Every diagnosis
Every label
Every disease
It somehow allows us
To stick
To define
To mould to it
Like a shape shifter

This time it’s broken
There is no liquid
To turn solid into
A blasphemous shape

Wall Destroyer

Sometimes I simply can not express

the ways of my working mind

wandering around the darkly lit allies

within every limit

surfacing the crowds over and over again

examining the depths but only seeing

what wants to be seen

not just with my eyes

but through something else

unknown I guess you could say

But other times I can’t stop spilling my feelings

heart bared behind bars that noone can ever seem to be strong

enough to knock down

and everytime they get close to it, I back off

and run away because the past is what has

always been something I’ve known

Escaping is what i’m looking for

not just something that can fill this void

that seems to keep growing and growing

i’m not fixing it, i’m allowing it to be filled with short


Fixes that they themselves no longer can be fixed

You’re here now though

I’ve decided to write about you for once

because you deserve to know that you’re being thought of

and not just in a bad way

but a good way, a kind and gentle way

You have this wall, this guard, this mask

But I can see behind it

You know this, you’ve been told what I’m about to tell you

As I’m waiting for you to read my text, as I’m waiting to know

if you’re okay

That I know why you do what you do

Maybe it isn’t the past that forces you to be the way you are

But it’s society

because we all have our demons

Demons that shouldn’t ever be brought upbut I’ve told you mine and you’ve told me your’s

I’m not scared because of you anymore

If you’re afraid, i don’t blame you

it’s because I’ve been testing you

but you’ve seemed to have won

I soak up your attention, everything that you give me

I feel whole for a few days, to a month

but when you walk away, I’m broken again

left feeling like I had just used a drug and

the high wore off

I don’t do drugs, but if i were to

I’m sure I already know what the low highs feel like

Because more than high, I feel low

and sometimes I drink alcohol because it bares all of me and

I don’t hold back

My walls come down almost half way

But when i’m sober I pretend that what i’ve told you are lies

Because it hurts less

we don’t need a title

we don’t need anything

We don’t need to be friends, lovers

We’re just two people, two human beings, beings in general

Two master pieces that were created for some reason

That just happened to be in eachother’s lives

We just happen to feel something

But why should we label them?

If I stopped labelling, if I just stopped

You’d know that my persona is just an act

it’s just something that I put on

I keep upselling myself

but when i don’t, I still have something to me

you told me once that my face will only

get me so far, Maybe I’d prefer that i didn’t have a face

because a face is the first thing someone sees

You can tell alot by someone’s eyes, the way that their eyebrows are done

The way their lips sit

You can tell when they’re sad or happy

But without a face, that’s what the true test is

It’s something that makes it harder to discover someone

And with a blank face, you have to be willing

to allow yourself to sink downwards even if it’s something

that scares the hell out of you

Because you’ll never know until you try, atleast

that’s what alot of people say

You don’t have to believe me, for i don’t believe myself

You don’t have to let your guard down for me

I just want you to simply read this

because besides a face, besides just a personality

One can also tell alot by a person’s writing

The words they use

simple or broad

The way they organize their thoughts onto paper

The way the ink smudges as their hands drag along the paper

How dark or light the lead appears

Emotions show even when the person who is writing

Using the writing utensil

shows no emotion whatsoever

Everyone has something they’re hiding

But it’s okay

You know my dear, this poem is for you

Why you may ask?

Maybe because you need to know that I’m just a human

I want you to judge and critique me

even though I’m very judgemental, hypocritical

I want you to express how you feel about this

Tell me I’m not very good at writing

Destroy me so that I can feel something again

But baby, I already feel

whether you can see it or not

You know, I feel like writing this poem until you reply back to me

Even if it takes hours and I lose sleep

over it

because atleast I care enough to write something

To stay up and lose more sleep over and over again

It’s not very realistic or healthy

But maybe i do worry

maybe there’s more to this

simple or complex

broken and distorted

but again labels

labels that brain wash people into thinking and feeling

without labels 

our souls are bare and exposed more than no clothing

But you’ve got me

I’m stumped

for words for something

Lacking creativity

which i’ve never really been

I used to be as a child I’m sure

Our we both broken?

Are we both alive?

You have my attention

You don’t even have to confess your heart

You just don’t because i know how much it hurts

To love and then have nothing left

Drained of the one thing that atleast

kept you alive when you felt the most hollow and dead

I just want you to know these

things that crawl into my brain 

as you told me that you wanted to pick my brain layer by layer

That one song.

We all have that one band
Not necessarily our favourite
Because we may have too
Many that strike our fancy
But that one group of musically talented
Who’s songs seem to have been written
For you
In their minds
Those songs that have always been there
To bring you down and break you
Little by little
Just enough to help you heal again
That one certain song that you can’t
Stop listening to even if
It does nothing but bring
Tears to your eyes, ones that
Sting and physically hurt
But you keep listening to it
Because you grew up listening to it
They say that you appreciate
The lyrics more when you’re sad
But it isn’t just the words
The lyrics
It’s the structure and the flow
Of the lyrics with the beat
And rhythm strung together
I believe that a song and or
An artist truly can help someone
Get through something

You need help

I know that I need help
They’ve told me too many
Times on and off
You’re okay
Wait you need help
She won’t stick around you know
Because of your demons
But that’s okay I replied
Back to the devil
We create these visions
These situations
They don’t exist until they
Become what you’ve made them
Out to be
Your challenge

Bloody Cocktail

Letting this feeling set in
As it trickles down throughout
Your very body
Conquering every inch
Smothering every
That ever existed
In what you call
A soul
Liquid filling your lungs
Slowly destroying
Your heart like
A river breaking a dam
Allowing it to swallow
Every insecurity
You’ve ever had
If you’ve had any at all
In your life
Making you feel like
Your existence doesn’t even
They call this alcohol
But I view it as a bloody
Working it’s way
Into your system
Your brain
Convincing you that you can’t
Survive without it
Sober rarely
Whether on alcohol or
Sober not really
Dependant on the feeling
Of being numb
You want to be numb
But at the same time you don’t
Making up love songs
That make no sense
Because you have no tune
And your guitar makes you
Look talented
Cool, but you pretend anyways
Because it takes away
And distracts others from
Seeing who you really are
Because really, you’re
More hurt than you lead on
You want to be alone
But being alone secretly kills you
So you suck up and take any attention you can get
You use and manipulate to get what you want because it makes you feel temporarily complete
But then you’re left feeling worse


So Ive been having doubts about the field that I work in, again lately and I don’t know what I’m going to do. I finally have a job that I wanted and need. But I’m not working to my full potential.

It’s natural, I mean alot of people have doubts, but I’m not sure what I want to go back to school for.

On top of that, I’m sick and I didn’t call in sick because I like to show that I’m dedicated to my job even if I’m sick enough to stay home, but luckily I just barely have a voice because I’d take this over throwing up.

Today is Friday, it’s a new day. It can go how I want it to go.

Happy Friday.

Blue Jays Game

So I’m not really a fan of sports, let alone Baseball. I mean I’d rather play them, but I’m not really into playing sports as much either. I used to okay basketball, but for fun. I also played Badminton in highschool.

So back onto the subject of Baseball, I got invited last minute, the day/night before the game. I said I was open to going because I wanted to be social.

So then after work yesterday (the day of the game), I was about to bail on my friend. I then changed my mind and decided to go.

Before we go there, I had a few shots of vodka, and I don’t really like drinking straight alcohol, but I decided that since a few other people were drinking that I atleast would.

Then my friends and I decided to go and buy Shwarmas and I normally wouldn’t have been able to eat such a huge sandwich sober, but I did.

Then at the game, I didn’t really pay much attention. To be quite frank, I don’t even remember who won. Not because I was typsy/drunk, but because I didn’t pay attention.

I was talking with a few guys I met through my friends and then this one guy randomly started staring at me. I thought I was a creep and I’ve been called a creep many times, but he wouldn’t stop staring. It was really awkward.

To sum up the rest of the night, I was glad that I went. I, being not so social, I would do it again just because I got to hang out with the guys.

Infact, one of them referred to everyone as “guys” or “bros”, I forget which term they used, but it felt nice.

I then woke up with a little bit of a headache and I took tyonel and almost passed out at work.

Coming out at work

Over the years, I have slowly come out to some people at offering work places. Sometimes I’m hesitant to come out to people I work with because not everyone accepts it. It’s not necessarily because I’m afraid to, I just don’t want to make things awkward, you know?

I haven’t really had any bad coming out situations, and I don’t really have a coming out story. As soon as I questioned my sexuality, I told my mom. It was awkward coming out to my dad I just don’t remember it that much.

I don’t really talk to my older brother about being a lesbian, but I’m okay with that.

I’ve come a long way with accepting myself. I also struggle with gender identity, but for now I only want to come out as a lesbian.

Today I came out to some of my coworkers only because the topic came up and I know that before I come out to people, there’s always that little fear where you think the person won’t accept you or be okay with it, but it usually isn’t that way for me.

I feel so much better because now I don’t have to refer to girls as “they” instead of “he” or “she”. I don’t have to lie and it’s not like I did, but I just didn’t say much.

Transgender struggles

I have been struggling with something for years. Sometimes I’m okay with it and other times, I am so conflicted about it, that just venting to people doesn’t help.

Everyone states their opinions on the matter, gives me advice and tells me to seek help. I know that I need help, but I’m stubborn and won’t follow through with it.

I am biologically female, yet I identify as both. Because the world has labels for everything, I’ve labelled myself after different things such as “Transgendered” “Male” “Female to male”, “Lesbian” and “Female”. I am constantly trying to find a label that works, that fits my personality, that matches my very thoughts, but there is not just one.

I know that labels should not define someone, but sometimes, I personally believe that they help.

I switch between wearing feminine clothing and masculine clothing, not shaving for a few days. Basically, I’m playing around with my gender and body to help ease my mind a little bit.