Spewing Stupidity

I ran into familiar territory
not looking where I was going
words spewing from their mouth
while I was staring at them
wondering where this was going

I was so naive, so stupid
to think I wouldn’t be trapped
into another conversation
as to if I’ve gotten
certain parts of me removed
and if I’d open their brain and climb right and soak my body into their mattress

My eyelids keep closing over
eyes falling back into my head
as I educate and step further back

To think I was just engaging in friendly catch up
instead, I was made to feel like I owed them something just because I accepted their help with something

Travelling With Excuses

Tw: rape

Tw: self harm

Just seventeen and you didn’t even Want me to close my eyes and power through

but I did anyways

despite what I did to you

I watched you cry and slice your arm

and laughed because I didn’t care

and I wanted to hurt you

because I couldn’t sit with how good you made me felt

and that wasn’t your fault

I took advantage of the softest parts of you and you were not sober

and I didn’t care

because I had excuses

Just seventeen and you had no idea I’d try to ruin you

want to destroy you

and it got to the point where

I didn’t know that it would

all come and eat me one day

Showed me downtown

stood there and held me as I screamed

and threw tantrums just so you’d have sex with me

I normally wouldn’t write about this in great detail

but I’m trying to be true to myself now

and nothing can take back anything

and I did deserve karma

but I acted like you did everything wrong

You did some things wrong

but mostly after I quenched my own thirst

when you were pouring what you had

into my mouth

when it should have been sewn shut

I’m sorry I hurt you

and I’ll never be able to apologize without

it backfiring again and it should

but please know that I take full accountability and you didn’t deserve that

I did have feelings for you and I can’t use the ” oh I’m just a boy, that’s how I show how I feel “, because that’s bullshit. But I did care about you and sometimes I wish it were different

Thank you for showing me the worst pets of hell and for softening it all at the same time

Silk Soaked 7.

Tw: Sexual Abuse

Sunset silk
she was dehydrated from
falling weak to the
devil’s snappish lips

Soaking in everything he
threw into her mouth
one, two, three
come over here, he said
look here, he said

Afternoon tea
wasn’t what she thought it was
with pages of his favourite book
torn out
like hair pulled from anxiety

Watching, studying every movement
from the light dancing on her arms
to the flickering of the night’s laughter
across the floor

After 7 Crisis
blocking out two years
because he decided that
memories deserved to be distorted
and that I needed to forget
his ugly breath

Trying to remember
why I was sitting there
without a single hand
on my shoulder
keeping me there
so I couldn’t wander off

Sunday Nervousness
had I known I’d be afraid
to look at ninja turtles
for years
I would have tried to
tell him no
but I was a little body
with a voice that
didn’t have a say yet

And for years
I had no idea
I’d allow myself
to think about
where you may be
and who you may be with
and if you hurt them too

But that isn’t of my concern
and you aren’t going to be the reason I drop my identity for

Hovering, but without noise.

Tw: Suicide Idealization Mention.

Tw: Depression Mention.

Ps. I’m just venting into the void. I don’t want advice. I don’t even want to talk about this to people individually. Please don’t comment asking if I’m okay or if I want to talk.

How do I tell my parents I want to die? I don’t want them to think they couldn’t do anything to help me, because sometimes no one can.

I’m tired of distracting myself and although I know I’ll make it out alive when I’m in a bad place, that doesn’t always make things easier.

How do I stop the hovering of this dark place? I don’t always notice it, for all I know, maybe it isn’t hovering in the background. But it’s like a noise without a sound. I notice it sometimes, but I don’t always see it.

I’m in group therapy, I distract myself, I want to work and I’ll put in effort to finding a job and then back out. I’ve worked before when I’ve been in a worse place than this, but this still feels bad.

Am I sad? I don’t know. But my body is sad, it’s heavy, it’s disappointed in me and I know one day I’ll give in. The difference between counting down to the age of thirty and wanting to die and now, is that I’ve been alive a lot longer than I thought I’d be and I wanted to die for so long and now I don’t know what to do.

I didn’t always want to die. I still don’t always want to. But I’m tired of fighting these moments. I just want them to be easier.

I have tips and skills to ground myself, to distract myself, to make myself a little bit happier, but one day I won’t care to use them anymore.

But the funny thing is, is that even though I’m not always mentally stable, I’m more stable than I’ve been in a while. Instability has become my version of stability.