Lost Ambitions

I turn the corner and there I am even without a mirror

I look up at the stars and                     my past ambitious self creeps up

I walk to the river bank and                 the water reminds me of all the obstacles I haven’t over come yet
I talk to new people and                        all I can think of is how much I’ve lost myself to

Bludgeoned Glows

Where will the skies take us now if our feet won’t open up the ground
Spaces thoroughly invaded, voids unfulfilled but you wouldn’t know
Just look at the pavement, how it glows with dead goals and ambitions

Beaten paths have been sought out only to be brought out
Broken down, death ridden, bed hidden among the rose trampled temper

Wandering the caves of the infected youths
Bludgeoned, impacted heavily with only the finest eyes
Creatures tending to the gardens of our headscapes

You told me that we have galaxies inside of us and that you let them out sometimes
Some people may find sadness among that, I come across beauty

The stars align so that people can search for their own ways to connect the dots to create things inside that not everyone can tell

Such as the mirrors, we look to the night for answers we need
Reality versus the livelihood of the sunrise
Fake and temporary

I’ve sought out for destiny inside of my turned over past self and I seek shelter over and underneath the peaked skyline

Galaxy Ridden

Walking along the throws of the universe
Speckled, necklaces strung together made of the stars that are shining
Forming your name, screaming your
Existence, and for an instance
Maybe you and I can believe in something
And not think we’re nothing

Take me to the hurricanes, show me their outcomes
Watch me squirm as the tornados shed their arms upon my head
Tread, me softly
Read me hard

Ground Loins

Hear, the pitter patter of the river’s heart beat
Passerby throwing bones like sticks

Speak, the truth of the tongue being rolled off of the back of the nearest barking spine

Eat, the insides underlining the flesh of the person you used to be rotting beneath who you are now

Spew, the broken future’s carcass with shattered hopes and flowing spaces

Remember, the loopholes that you’ve been trying to jump through with nothing but nature’s eyes following you

Forget, the things that make you feel as though the wasted lands are all you are, washed up and dried to the loins

Time, alone forever travelling backwards in my head as more places seem to be too far to reach other than those inside

Hope, tainted, kissed with the poison of everything you were told was wrong, death created and unrighteous

Vein Like Substances

Shot down underneath the robe
You were wearing the night you told
Me that rivers only flow when there’s a reason to breach through confidentiality
And I just stood there wondering what you meant by that and you were referring to the air circulating through my body
Running veins gathering nutrients from the heart I once had

You said I had a choice whether to remain cold or to warm up the soul someone needed when they were younger
Here I am I said, trying to travel towards you at such great vagility
My body just looming over
Bending into another shape you’ve never seen before
Here I am my darling

Darkening Depths

Here it is, I can sense it
This, feel something
Creeping, wiping
Everything that ever felt right, good
Vanishing, clambering
All I’ve ever felt about anything, everything
Crawling, scratching
At all I am, might be
Dark, tight around my vocal chords
Eating, swallowing the words I need to define, describe this
Closing around, drowning me
We are falling apart and all I want to do is find the exact moment, figure it out
The time, incident in which we started to drift apart
But what confuses me, conflicts my thoughts
Are the times we share that come to interfere, interject
Consume me and help me feel like i can believe we’ll be okay
And those are the feelings that make me stay
The good, the bad, the overriding of comfortability
Worrying, because I want to feel you
I see people smiling, holding hands
And my heart breaks
I see people laughing, running into eachother’s arms
And every ounce of me that ever felt joy instantly disappears from sight, burying itself
All I want to do is hold you
But I feel you fading
All I want to do is wave a wand and crack it over ourselves and have the magic drip from it into our mouths and tell me that the distance is just an obstacle that can be kicked away
I just want to know if you’re still in it, this, us
Is this, us, are we what you want, need,
crave?
Sometimes you vanish far and I’m not sure whether you’re still there or if I’m just blind from all of the pain
And you see me like people have before, but things come easy and difficult at the same time
Light and dark meet and I just give you what i can, not what i need to, want to give you
My heart and maybe one day, if you want it, you can have it

Therapy Subway

Therapy rides, is what I’m going to refer to them from now on
Those subway journeys to and from the rap sessions
Although sitting is already helping
New environment, different people
Exciting surroundings
Mental illness can sometimes feel like a chore you’ve been burdened with
Crying because you lost a piece of paper with an important date on it but you don’t want to call the dentist office and have them know you’re disorganized
Panicking because you rubbed a piece of constructive criticism a harsh way
But these rides, they keep the good feelings at bay and relax the frustration

Bone chilling waves

I was scared, but you dulled my fears
By instilling heartfelt warmth
To my bones that were once radiating chills
And now I’m not sure whether the the dark is jealous that I’ve had some light in me, or if the sun is worried that I’ll sink back down
The seas shake whenever I step foot and flood them with my own waves
Drowning things as I press my head against the sanded footprints
I’m still here even if my soul becomes hard as stone and your heart can sense the density of what was
So tell me, what is it that you see in me?
Is it the way I attempted to pull you from the storm that cascades your every thought, or the way that my heart fills your ears?

Confined Spaces

I look for you in places where only certain parts of the sun have touched

I find you in spaces that even the moon hasn’t been able to light

I lose you in cities which are unknown to man and beast

I only have myself and nature and maybe that’s okay

Dying to get a taste of life.

sunset

Earlier I was out longboarding, just as usual, nothing different. Just lit a cigarette, had my music playing from my phone and pushed my feet off the ground repeatedly to gain speed.

What surrounded me was the same as it always is around this time of the year. Trees blossoming with pretty flowers, colours blended intogether, mosquitos quenching blood and the fresh sent of fall. I’ve seen the same things aorund me for the past 25 years of my life.

But something felt different, everything looked the same, but they felt different. Was it that I was longboarding a bit later than I usually do, or the the sunset fell later than it normally does, or were the wheels of my longboard slowing down?

Do you ever go somewhere you’ve been numerous times before, nothing physically has changed, but you feel change, like some sort of small aspect has changed your outloud on what you see?

I believe that’s what happened, I started appreciating what I saw in that moment. I saw tiny little aspects, I disected the different colours of the sunset, noticed where the mosquitos and other bugs laid to rest and how settle it made me feel in that moment.

It was as though, my worries, my past didn’t haunt me, but settled me and I felt it. I didn’t feel like dying was the answer, but living was.