Deleting and making a new blog.

To my followers and anyone who comes across this.

I have had this blog for I believe 4 or 5 years now and when I first made it, I used my legal first name as my url and I want to get away from that.

I’d hate to lose my followers, but I want to make a new blog and move all of my writing over to it.

I will make another post with my new blog url when I make one.

Thank you to all of you who have stuck with me since the beginning and thank you to all of my new readers.

 

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Therapeutic Balances

On Friday October 17th, I had a consultation with a new therapist because recently I’ve decided that I need help with my mental health in general because I’ve put it off for many years and I just keep thinking that quick fixes get me places.

Quick fixes in my experience, really are just quick. They aren’t fixes, but that term just seems to follow the work “quick” sometimes.

Whether it be alcohol, antidepressants or even both of those mixed together. Longboarding, writing, singing, taking walks only soothes the soul so much when you’re burying the things that need to be worked on, pushed through.

For me, I’ve been struggling with dysphoria, with staying at jobs even through the hard times and just other things that have seem to have grown.

At first, I wasn’t sure how my appointment was going to go, because I get really nervous with Psychiatrists and Therapists, professionals in a whole. I got there early, which I wasn’t sure was going to happen seeing as I had to take two transit busses and then a subway to get there and so I waited for a bit.

While I was in the appointment, I felt so free… I’m used to telling complete strangers almost my entire life in stories and poems and whatever, but with therapists, it’s a hit and miss type situation for me. I either hide many details of my life, or I spill almost way too much. This time, I spilt enough information to help me feel great about it.

One minute I want therapy, the next I don’t, but this time I have a great feeling that I’m going to finally allow myself to get the help that I need. I realize that I may never end up being okay without therapy, but I’ll never know unless I try.

I prefer winter’s cold shoulders.

I want to believe that the summer is more comforting than the winter, but I’m not quite sure that it is.

The winter calms me as it freezes the water droplets on tree branches.

The winter relaxes me everytime I see the sky shedding little pieces of frozen art.

The winter speaks to me in volumes, when the summer just keeps denying me of my air.

The winter bares my demons lighter than the summer claims to show.

But here I am trying to list the things that summer benefits me besides it’s positive vibes.

It’s rays of sunshine lifts me up, but maybe I’d rather the winter allow me to cilmb admist it’s cold shoulders.

It’s light tear falls dulls even the sharpest parts of me, but maybe I’d rather the winter stab me in the back with it’s icicles of truth.

It’s way of heating me feels nice, but I’d rather the winter show me all it has in store for me as it’s angry storms rip apart the seams of my very being.

Bloody Cocktail

Letting this feeling set in
As it trickles down throughout
Your very body
Conquering every inch
Smothering every
Nook
That ever existed
In what you call
A soul
Liquid filling your lungs
Slowly destroying
Your heart like
A river breaking a dam
Allowing it to swallow
Every insecurity
You’ve ever had
If you’ve had any at all
In your life
Making you feel like
Your existence doesn’t even
Exist
They call this alcohol
But I view it as a bloody
Cocktail
Working it’s way
Into your system
Your brain
Convincing you that you can’t
Survive without it
Sober rarely
Whether on alcohol or
Not
Sober not really
Dependant on the feeling
Of being numb
You want to be numb
But at the same time you don’t
Making up love songs
That make no sense
Because you have no tune
And your guitar makes you
Look talented
Cool, but you pretend anyways
Because it takes away
And distracts others from
Seeing who you really are
Because really, you’re
More hurt than you lead on
You want to be alone
But being alone secretly kills you
So you suck up and take any attention you can get
You use and manipulate to get what you want because it makes you feel temporarily complete
But then you’re left feeling worse

Blue Jays Game

So I’m not really a fan of sports, let alone Baseball. I mean I’d rather play them, but I’m not really into playing sports as much either. I used to okay basketball, but for fun. I also played Badminton in highschool.

So back onto the subject of Baseball, I got invited last minute, the day/night before the game. I said I was open to going because I wanted to be social.

So then after work yesterday (the day of the game), I was about to bail on my friend. I then changed my mind and decided to go.

Before we go there, I had a few shots of vodka, and I don’t really like drinking straight alcohol, but I decided that since a few other people were drinking that I atleast would.

Then my friends and I decided to go and buy Shwarmas and I normally wouldn’t have been able to eat such a huge sandwich sober, but I did.

Then at the game, I didn’t really pay much attention. To be quite frank, I don’t even remember who won. Not because I was typsy/drunk, but because I didn’t pay attention.

I was talking with a few guys I met through my friends and then this one guy randomly started staring at me. I thought I was a creep and I’ve been called a creep many times, but he wouldn’t stop staring. It was really awkward.

To sum up the rest of the night, I was glad that I went. I, being not so social, I would do it again just because I got to hang out with the guys.

Infact, one of them referred to everyone as “guys” or “bros”, I forget which term they used, but it felt nice.

I then woke up with a little bit of a headache and I took tyonel and almost passed out at work.

The swallowing darkness no longer concaves the soul

The light of the sun beats down, but the heat radiates elsewhere

The trees are swaying, although the wind ceases to exist

Visions arise concerning the whereabouts of the night

Even the dark is jealous of the rays because it’s radiating positivity

The black tries to instill negativity within it’s surroundings

Attempting to swallow everything in site, in reach

Sometimes it wins, most of the time it wins, it really does

And when it does, it drains everything out of that being, laughing

Smiling with a mouth full of charred teeth

Looking at you with soulless eyes, watching you struggle

Because it knows that it’s easier to give in, rather than to fight

Against it’s very wrath

“I’m okay” they say, “I need help” they say, “But it’s way too hard to get back up” they said

Crying, oceans of salted waters, liquids pouring out like a steady but rough

riverbed, flowing down and around, over and above until there’s nothing left

Except for drowning breaths, shallow heartbeats 

Barely alive emotionally, starting to work on the physical aspects

The light, remember the light? Yes, the light is still there

It still exists and it’s staring it right in the face

Jumping in and rescueing the damaged and preventing damages

Showing it’s power by knocking down everything that has ever scared, broke or even killed

Another being, whether it be human or non-human

The showdown is almost done, but with one fight left

A person getting in between the two most powerful existances

They don’t use words, but show proof

That both sides have been a constant win-lose battle

Lifting up their head, their skin a grey pigment, eyes stained with pain

Glossed over with the reflection of the day

Arms covered in what looks like scars

Barely visible, but still noticeable

Words come crashing down from their mouth, out from under the veil

They confess that they have been letting one of the sides win

Drag them down, into a far abyss

so open and wide, they climbed in

But today they stand in front of their fear, facing it like it had never took a 

Toll on their soul

Heart racing, it beats so hard and it shows

The night stands still and allows the person to continue

It slowly starts to back off as their thoughts begin to take shape

Resembling something fierce

Getting down on their knees, the tears are starting

Trickling, exhausting every inch of their body

A smile appears, which remains for a few minutes

“I’m winning” they said, “The light helps, it’s positive energy is there” they said.

Only the light and the person remain.