Irony Destroys

​Oh the irony of trying to balance on a metal beam attempting to cross the bridges you once partially destroyed
No thanks to you, I’m fumbling again

And thanks to you, I’m finding myself again

And thanks again, I’m figuring out how to pick up back where I was before you
I was told once that, people have lived a life time before they met a certain person and that they can learn to do it again without them

And here I am, with a little care, moving upwards and onwards, with or without you

Advertisements

Deleting and making a new blog.

To my followers and anyone who comes across this.

I have had this blog for I believe 4 or 5 years now and when I first made it, I used my legal first name as my url and I want to get away from that.

I’d hate to lose my followers, but I want to make a new blog and move all of my writing over to it.

I will make another post with my new blog url when I make one.

Thank you to all of you who have stuck with me since the beginning and thank you to all of my new readers.

 

You’re happy, I hope

You’re still sitting wanting to see me
But you have a new person now to occupy your thoughts
You’re allowed to see them, talk to them, feel good by them

Why am I jealous of such ships that I’ve drowned myself in before
Not the same, but similarly speaking
And I just can’t seem to fathom the idea
That maybe someone one day will do more than just tolerate me

Sorry, sorry that I have such a fucked up mind
Sorry, sorry I can’t always communicate other than miscommunicating
through destruction
And I must say you’re looking so good
So happy and I’m glad that someone’s helping you find that
in yourself
Please promise me though, that you won’t get hurt
That you won’t let pain in

I’ve seen you happy, this is it, keep it
I’ll be here, for when you need an ear
Even when I’m not here, I’m here

Escape me, jump in
Run, not away

Moving feelings.

I want everything to do with you
I do nothing with people
But I would for you
Anything

I’m not a time machine that goes back
Warps you back, whips you forth
But I can help you move forward
If you wanted

I love you and I used to throw that around
And I don’t know how to share my love for you
With someone else
And I don’t want to hold back from loving someone else

No one is you, even similar they could be
But my heart may not beat for the.
The same settle way it breathes for you
My lungs inflate
Not swell with panic

With you I am strong, them I fall weak
I want you and what you have and don’t have to offer
Because at the end of the day
I care about you enough to move on
But it isn’t easy

Moving Feelings. // B.T.

Sometimes I dread family gatherings even though they usually end up alright.

It isn’t because I don’t enjoy them, I just know that the people I’m sometimes surrounded by are people who don’t always accept and support my transition. I haven’t started transitioning yet but I plan to do so.

Today though, this family gathering was one of the best gatherings I’ve had in a very long time. The reason being that my younger brother, growing up we fought non-stop and we literally could not breathe the same air without some sort of fight happening and he never supported me being transgender, actually… ACTUALLY called me by my preferred name without it seeming forced. Sometimes he’d call me by my legal name afterwards but would laugh jokingly. It was a really nice feeling. He got a new phone and asked how to spell my name and what my email was. No other questions were asked. He actually has come around whether he supports me or not, he’s been making an effort.

It kind of givs me a little more hope regarding my entire family. That helped me so much already.

I’ve been feeling on and off shitty and lately just spending time with my family and my friends has made me feel less alone.

Usually I just sit with my thoughts and yesterday I stepped out of the house for the first time in literally 3 days. I’d wake up every few hours and then sleep consistantly for another 3 or 4 hours. I’d then stay in my room all day.

I had weird side effects from my medication and even now, I keep thinking about the things I’ve done, ways I’ve treated people, especially those who didn’t even do me any harm to begin with. I can’t go back, hell knows I would if I could. But I can’t.

Things usually turn out to be okay, I always turn out okay. It was enough for a while, but now it’s more than enough right now. I’d rather be okay than where I was exactly a week ago tonight.

I haven’t made much progress as far as relationships and friendships go, but the motivation is slowly creeping back up a few levels instead of constantly spiraling downwards.

I’ve been having trouble writing poetry lately, but I’m finally able to write these words tonight.

Tonight, I am okay. Tonight, I can feel and I’m okay with that. Tonight, I’m a bit sad, but I. Am. OKAY..

I was already missing you, but looking at your pictures made me feel.

They’re a bit outdated, a few months old, but tears started forming in the puches beside my eyes.

Not because you’re not good looking and your face makes me cry, don’t ever think that. It’s because I realized how much I actually want you in my life. I may not completely understand what you’re all about, what exactly triggers you all the time, but that’s okay. Maybe I’m never supposed to completely understand.

Many people have come and gone in my life, whether I pushed them away or not, but you are one of the few people left in my life who I can come to about anything.

Some of those people have made me feel what you make me feel, and I’ve met some people who I’ve said ” you are unlike any other “, but I truly feel as though you are different and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

You’ve told me things, some of them I may not remember until you bring it up, some I will never forget and some I’m glad you told me because I know how to treat you.

I love you, not because I can’t have you, not only that, not just because I am jealous of those who get to spend time with you in person, not because others may have pieces of yout hat I have never had or will never have, but because I just simply do. You have such a beautiful soul. A beautiful brain.

You scare me and don’t scare me at the same time and both of those frighten me.

I know that yout ake space, and maybe sometimes you ignore me, but I’d like to think you care about me still, and even if you told me one day that you no logner wanted me to exist in your life, I’d walk away, but I’d still be here for you if you needed something.

I write about you more than you probably know.

I don’t think about you 24/7, but sometimes I write about you to distract me from other people, sometimes I convince myself I care about you and force it because sometimes I can’t just be you know?

As complicated as I may be sometimes, and selfish and confusing and manipulating, you’re still fucking here and I thank you for that.

Bue.

B.C.

Dampened Slopes

Where were you when the gallows swallowed you,                                                                                                                     I was just waiting on the shoulder                                                                                                                                               of your heartbeat falling                                                                                                                                                             towards the slope

When was the exact moment                                                                                                                                                       when your headache                                                                                                                                                                 became your main reason to                                                                                                                                                     mask the sudden fluke that got between us

I sit here and I ponder between                                                                                                                                                   the sunlt dusk and the shark infested waters                                                                                                                         wondering how we became so dim                                                                                                                                             when the spark continues to flash in the foreground

Don’t let me put a damper on your so-called self-appreciating smile