Spewing Stupidity

I ran into familiar territory
not looking where I was going
words spewing from their mouth
while I was staring at them
wondering where this was going

I was so naive, so stupid
to think I wouldn’t be trapped
into another conversation
as to if I’ve gotten
certain parts of me removed
and if I’d open their brain and climb right and soak my body into their mattress

My eyelids keep closing over
eyes falling back into my head
as I educate and step further back

To think I was just engaging in friendly catch up
instead, I was made to feel like I owed them something just because I accepted their help with something

Travelling With Excuses

Tw: rape

Tw: self harm

Just seventeen and you didn’t even Want me to close my eyes and power through

but I did anyways

despite what I did to you

I watched you cry and slice your arm

and laughed because I didn’t care

and I wanted to hurt you

because I couldn’t sit with how good you made me felt

and that wasn’t your fault

I took advantage of the softest parts of you and you were not sober

and I didn’t care

because I had excuses

Just seventeen and you had no idea I’d try to ruin you

want to destroy you

and it got to the point where

I didn’t know that it would

all come and eat me one day

Showed me downtown

stood there and held me as I screamed

and threw tantrums just so you’d have sex with me

I normally wouldn’t write about this in great detail

but I’m trying to be true to myself now

and nothing can take back anything

and I did deserve karma

but I acted like you did everything wrong

You did some things wrong

but mostly after I quenched my own thirst

when you were pouring what you had

into my mouth

when it should have been sewn shut

I’m sorry I hurt you

and I’ll never be able to apologize without

it backfiring again and it should

but please know that I take full accountability and you didn’t deserve that

I did have feelings for you and I can’t use the ” oh I’m just a boy, that’s how I show how I feel “, because that’s bullshit. But I did care about you and sometimes I wish it were different

Thank you for showing me the worst pets of hell and for softening it all at the same time

Silk Soaked 7.

Tw: Sexual Abuse

Sunset silk
she was dehydrated from
falling weak to the
devil’s snappish lips

Soaking in everything he
threw into her mouth
one, two, three
come over here, he said
look here, he said

Afternoon tea
wasn’t what she thought it was
with pages of his favourite book
torn out
like hair pulled from anxiety

Watching, studying every movement
from the light dancing on her arms
to the flickering of the night’s laughter
across the floor

After 7 Crisis
blocking out two years
because he decided that
memories deserved to be distorted
and that I needed to forget
his ugly breath

Trying to remember
why I was sitting there
without a single hand
on my shoulder
keeping me there
so I couldn’t wander off

Sunday Nervousness
had I known I’d be afraid
to look at ninja turtles
for years
I would have tried to
tell him no
but I was a little body
with a voice that
didn’t have a say yet

And for years
I had no idea
I’d allow myself
to think about
where you may be
and who you may be with
and if you hurt them too

But that isn’t of my concern
and you aren’t going to be the reason I drop my identity for

Twisted Eyelids

I can feel my thoughts
catching on my gums
every time I chew on
words that keep
getting caught underneath
my tongue
and it’s uncomfortable

I can see my own eyelids
from the inside
twisting images
and squeezing the memories
out onto my skin
drip drip dripping
all over my veins

I can hear my brain
spinning on top of my
spinal cord
turning around
like a carousel
only my skull is
the seat that my sanity
is sitting on
as insanity controls the speed

Busy Wings

I watched as a man stood near me, talking to a bee, trying to let it wash itself before he captured it to let it outside

In thise few moments, I thought about all of those times I failed to let insects be themselves, they are hust babies trying to navigate the world just as we are

We can learn so much about the world through all of the crawling and flapping of the wings, if we just paid nore attention

Writings From The Cafe

Broken Glows

am I even thinking
of tomorrow
and not letting go of yesterday?

I’m dreaming of a broken sunrise
and hoping that I can heal myself with the moon
dead of the night, shining to guide me with her
tiny little hat
sitting ontop of a glowing head

I want so many things
but I keep bumping into

One Minute Poem.

Pew

I used to sit behind you
staring at you until
the pews looked like they were on fire

In reality, it was my brain that was swelling with flames
flames that you started
flames that you fueled and then walked away from

I used to wonder if you destroyed others like you stole me
stole parts of me
stole my weakest parts

I am who I am today, but not because of you
but because I stopped, dropped and rolled away from you
like the teachers taught us to do when we were engulfed in sparks