Twisted Eyelids

I can feel my thoughts
catching on my gums
every time I chew on
words that keep
getting caught underneath
my tongue
and it’s uncomfortable

I can see my own eyelids
from the inside
twisting images
and squeezing the memories
out onto my skin
drip drip dripping
all over my veins

I can hear my brain
spinning on top of my
spinal cord
turning around
like a carousel
only my skull is
the seat that my sanity
is sitting on
as insanity controls the speed

Dear B.

You told me that you wished you could have hugged me and held me close to your chest
And it was as though I got thrown back into time and my birth dad was sending me another message through you

I love you and I haven’t been present for most of my adult years
But I swear I hold you close
Your mind is flipping channels faster than I can keep up
And then the remote flicks through my brain waves and I’m trying to keep up with you

You said you hope we don’t leave your side and leave you alone

I won’t leave you, I love you
I won’t leave you, I love you
I won’t leave you, I’m not leaving you

Love your Grandson

Moving feelings.

I want everything to do with you
I do nothing with people
But I would for you
Anything

I’m not a time machine that goes back
Warps you back, whips you forth
But I can help you move forward
If you wanted

I love you and I used to throw that around
And I don’t know how to share my love for you
With someone else
And I don’t want to hold back from loving someone else

No one is you, even similar they could be
But my heart may not beat for the.
The same settle way it breathes for you
My lungs inflate
Not swell with panic

With you I am strong, them I fall weak
I want you and what you have and don’t have to offer
Because at the end of the day
I care about you enough to move on
But it isn’t easy

Moving Feelings. // B.T.

Bue

No one is you and I keep looking for you in things that aren’t even there.
No one is you and I keep creating hopes from your past words and making them feel like you recently said them to me.
No one is you and I keep thinking that you’ll want me even though you’ve made it clear that you don’t.

I’ve said things to you that I’ve said to millions of other people and I’ve met people like you but at the same time, you differ from them and I can’t quite put a name on it.

I’m not inlove with you, and sometimes I see similar signs that I portrayed in the past with an obsession I had with that person for 4 to 5 years with you and sometimes I’m I confuse reality and fantasy with you.

You are not mine, but I keep calling you my boy, my bue, mine. You are not my boy, not mins, but you are my bue and you hold a bigger place in my heart and take up more space in my head and consume more of my body than most people.

No one is you and I keep looking for someone to be you because I can’t have you.

No one makes me feel how you make me feel

Shrill Midnight

Writing out of pure calm
Walking through midnight with my open palm
I feel light compared to when I took flight
I can be open now, flood the gates
Trickling into the grass, slithering snakes

And some might say, I’m too late
Others may scowl, I shouldn’t wait
I’m here now, still here
Soft as a teddy, heart is near

You’re not scary, and if you are
I’m not sure why, but I haven’t wandered too far
Because I know what it’s like to confide in an angel
And have the devil’s laugh drill into you

I was already missing you, but looking at your pictures made me feel.

They’re a bit outdated, a few months old, but tears started forming in the puches beside my eyes.

Not because you’re not good looking and your face makes me cry, don’t ever think that. It’s because I realized how much I actually want you in my life. I may not completely understand what you’re all about, what exactly triggers you all the time, but that’s okay. Maybe I’m never supposed to completely understand.

Many people have come and gone in my life, whether I pushed them away or not, but you are one of the few people left in my life who I can come to about anything.

Some of those people have made me feel what you make me feel, and I’ve met some people who I’ve said ” you are unlike any other “, but I truly feel as though you are different and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

You’ve told me things, some of them I may not remember until you bring it up, some I will never forget and some I’m glad you told me because I know how to treat you.

I love you, not because I can’t have you, not only that, not just because I am jealous of those who get to spend time with you in person, not because others may have pieces of yout hat I have never had or will never have, but because I just simply do. You have such a beautiful soul. A beautiful brain.

You scare me and don’t scare me at the same time and both of those frighten me.

I know that yout ake space, and maybe sometimes you ignore me, but I’d like to think you care about me still, and even if you told me one day that you no logner wanted me to exist in your life, I’d walk away, but I’d still be here for you if you needed something.

I write about you more than you probably know.

I don’t think about you 24/7, but sometimes I write about you to distract me from other people, sometimes I convince myself I care about you and force it because sometimes I can’t just be you know?

As complicated as I may be sometimes, and selfish and confusing and manipulating, you’re still fucking here and I thank you for that.

Bue.

B.C.

Dampened Slopes

Where were you when the gallows swallowed you,                                                                                                                     I was just waiting on the shoulder                                                                                                                                               of your heartbeat falling                                                                                                                                                             towards the slope

When was the exact moment                                                                                                                                                       when your headache                                                                                                                                                                 became your main reason to                                                                                                                                                     mask the sudden fluke that got between us

I sit here and I ponder between                                                                                                                                                   the sunlt dusk and the shark infested waters                                                                                                                         wondering how we became so dim                                                                                                                                             when the spark continues to flash in the foreground

Don’t let me put a damper on your so-called self-appreciating smile