Welcoming a new sunset when I wasn’t ready to get out of bed was like pushing through the surface of a body of water while having the weight of the world pushing into your chest like a heart attack ticking to the sight of a bomb
Tick, tick, eating around the cloud, awaiting the same hours with a new state of mind, floating softly but heavily into another personality.
“, you’re crazy. ” they’d say following cackles and at first, I laughed with them, realizing they were at me, bellowing cries falling out from my eyes
I kept going and I lifted myself out of the pit, screaming for help but I climbed anyways and I saw the world shrinking as I was growing taller than the bullies that made me small for years
I spit my pain at those who deserved joy only to realize it was oil and I was fueling their dried out fires
” be yourself ” I was told, but was never shown how to love myself after breaking my own heart, if I ever had one even when the devil kissed his teeth I knew from then on that my penis was cut off by Satan himself, waiting for me to discover that I needed to pay for the sins of my mother.
I just want a friendship that outlasts the pens I lose
I need to find a place where trees only haunt me
And not the monsters in my own clothes
I am the monster under the bed
That my parents warned me about
Now I see more than floating clowns
Such a shame I boiled the water too soon before the pot even was on the stove
Such a shame I masked my intentions and walked the flames with shoes instead of bars
I was scared and you were weak but when I became weaker you became stronger
I wanted to tell you that I never liked you and maybe I didn’t as strongly as you, but I miss you when you’re gone. I miss you not only when I’m lonely with other people, mostly, but I miss you. I miss you
It’s as simple as that. Missing you. But you’re finally closer and I can’t see you
You’re finally closer to me and we’re not talking
We’re finally closer to each other, and we aren’t anything.
Maybe I’m okay with talking when you’re drunk.
Maybe that’s when things work and I don’t care if people judged us if we were like that.
I’d be your baby boy
I wish I hadn’t made it complicated.
He doesn’t have me as much as he did, but I love him and I miss your presence. I miss how you made me feel.
I wish we could have sex, could talk, could fuck, could watch things together and we don’t have to have a label.
But the end has come and you said we weren’t anything
The end has come and you said that you were over me a while ago
It’s as though my bones
Have been scraped clean
Left without calcium like
I’m constantly clouding the sky
I’ve become another universe
” where’d you go? ” checked out
More than a checkers game
Left my myself as a body bag
But I already hollowed out my own grave
Ay 3 years old, hurrying my heart
He was alive with my
Innocence and I learnt to carry
What is recognizable as my corpse
And my eyes still see his skull
Brain used as wood, veined Flint
All sparked from fueled torturous temptations
Almost 27 and almost became him
Want to destroy his precious eyes
Knock back his neck and open his pretty teeth
Cut out a bird from his hand and stencil it onto his chest and use his arms as wings
Lubricate his thoughts with songs inspired from my pain
I was walking and all of a sudden my head was seperating from
my two minds as though I was splitting apart at the seems that
were never entirely stitched together
All I could do was wait it out like a wave crashing in and around me
gathering seeds to plant in my skull like a planetarium sitting
about with a snake filling both eyes
Weaving in and out like a basket Weaver making two hearts become one venting love through vein-like wires slithering between sanity and psychotic
Psychotic veins. // B.T
Now I write from such a sore place and this isn’t the usual poem about what we weren’t
I seek stability but I wallow with the tides, jealous of the creatures they shelter and how strong
I watch the sands fall through like sinking sand, children smiling because of the sand structures their parents made, seagulls creeping for left overs
I know not what one body is, it’s like I have two brains. One up, one circle.
Seeping through my skull while cycling around the same cloud waiting to crash
I’m sorry I hurt you because I didn’t heal properly
In school they taught us of woes and trials of insanity but they never taught us how to reintegrate back into the hell we got out of
That’s not your problem that one second, I’m a sweet suckle and the next, without transition, I’m the cork to the devil’s brew shaking wildly, shotgunning
I think my therapist once told me to focus on he moments where I’m almost 100% certain that I know who I am and right now I know I’m male even if I’m comfortable being called female by some people, that doesn’t make my identity invalid.
I am male if I am not entirely out to everyone
I am male even if I do not look stereotypically male
I am male despite the lack of family support
I am male unless I myself say and believe I’m not
I’m allowed to change labels, change my identity.
Even if I confuse myself and people I am still valid