Chaotic Technicality

Music I listened to while typing this poem out:

Without You – Oh Wonder

I didn’t want to push, rush the chaos                                                                     Oh good old chaos, destruction                                                                           reconstruction of this mind digging torture

You know, no one can drill in                                                                                 deep where there is only surface now                                                                       so get chipping away

Use your best tools and your latest techniques                                                 mine are so old and as concrete                                                                                     I don’t worship things anymore                                                                               but I like the idea that I’m already                                                                           creating a home for myself

After I leave this dreaded head space                                                                           I walk around so weak and I used to                                                                     appear quiet because I didn’t want                                                                     people to know about me

Now I trudge around dragging my demons                                                       along my skin for people to see but                                                                             I don’t bother with quick answers

Conversations, I love those. Intellectual                                                             spill your cries and what makes you cringe.

I live for what’s holding people back so                                                                     I can compare my pain I need out,                                                                             so maybe stop digging now and                                                                               just throw yourself ontop of me                                                                             while my body sleeps and                                                                                         soul drifts towards the bottom

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depression

Sometimes depression makes me feel like I’m living out someone else’s life because one minute i have a strong head on my shoulders and the next day iw ake up forgetting that i even had stability for even a few minutes or that it felt like years ago.

It’s as though, I’m falling down and I’m screaming, but the waves are hitting me so hard that everytime I even attempt to stand up, my legs knock down beneath me.

 

Knifed Witch

There I was, atleast I think it was me, I was standing somewhere I don’t recall ever being to before.

This woman, she looked awfully familiar as though I knew her outside of the character she presented as on the television, was there.

She made me do things for her, as though I was her personal slave and I think other people were used up and thrown away by her. Having their loving versions of them stripped away with every bleeding stroke placed upon by this woman.

So here I was, listening to her every command. She told me to clean the walls of this place, building? I have no idea, it could have just been a free wall for all I knew.

I remember using this long standing pole that extended long ways above my head with a knife attached to it underneath a light bluish-turqiouseish cleaning cloth.

Scrubbing, moving along the wall, up and down like the person she tried to make me into.

Eventually this girl came along, stopped by to see what we were doing. What I was doing. She had a nose ring and I remember telling her that she was pretty, but it was as though I wasn’t there.

Invisible like I had felt for years. Non- existent to those who didn’t expect anything from me.

I looked at the woman and I don’t remember what she said to me, but it appeared as thiugh she was angry at me for stopping what I was doing and then all of a sudden, this baby appeared.

Whether the baby was there the entire time or not, I had no idea. So I picked the baby up and started talking with them. I remember feeling frightened by their movements as though it was about to bite me every time it loomed and fell forward into my chest.

That’s all I remember and they say that dreams usually mean something.

Maybe it’s that I’ve felt invisible because I stopped caring about people and I let people walk on me and I only repeated what they did to me to people.