Ranting, screaming through my fingers but for some reason there is a block
Where, when why are there so many things stopping me, i’m allowing them to stop me, prevent me from simply waking up from my zombie-induced body bag
Simply trudging, walking, running through the subway tracks, hoping they’ll cave in and I’ll fall off the brink, edge shattered, sharp.
Just finding my way through the slow dancing legs the trees are waving to me, at me.
Sober are those who swell with a wicked sharp, intoxicated are those who shed a Meaty sleeve
Hidden amongst some, mixtures of both clarity stain and mocked strength.
Little do we see, but assume things are translucent where they lay intertwined
Welcomed are those who believe the darkest woes are the truest way to deflower one’s apathy
Slowly sorrows swim across the devilish rivers whenever I walk into their little dabbling cemeterial crossings
I’ve killed off parts of myself to keep others from caving in, ending themselves
Now I fill those dead ends with their’s to open back up
I walked to the bottom and risen higher than I needed to, fell back and flipped it all over and watched myself sprout
Stinging from the slowly growing masses, he decided to keep trudging, thorough and deep strides
Knowingly stomping through the grounds of massacreic meanderings, he didn’t care that his hopes were becoming his own version of hell, created and formed, designed for the soul purpose of getting used to a taste of a place he would soon know
Desire for the rupture, storming approached lessons, he ran through every detail that troubled his empty sockets, charging as he plugged in the waves
Walking, realizing that everything he breathed in were just remnants of everyone else’s exhalations, carrying their burdens and making them his own so that his appeared disadvantaged
He wanted to be invisible only because that’s what he was used to, so he trudged into the place he knew well, the corners of every crevice of every memory and sliced them in pieces, threw them into his veins and slowly drowned them as he was drowning with the loudness of all his thoughts
You looked and I sat here, swallowing the bitter orchids
They were just swaying in the pollinatious sea of venomous weeds
I wanted to drown, oh so beautifully amongst the glowing creatures
But you were flying too high where even the clouds couldn’t see
You said to me, the words your voice had told you, wisdom is not always born with you unless you are wisdom itself
And I dove so far into the wild forestry
I poked my head above the current, flowing so fast, you laughed as you saw panic strucken smacked across my face
And off I went, blowing into the tundras
Quietly, creeping it
comes unto my skin
and crawls deeply
Settling, it grabs a hold
of my eyes and chokes
them as they shed their layers
Quickly, overwhelming it
inhaled my very being
swallowing as it moves consuming
Overwhelming, hardly felt it
until suddenly the feeling
was then out of nowhere, felt
I keep running away from almost every opportunity I get, especially with jobs.
But in reality, depression has become like a job to me over the past 10 or 11 years.
It’s consumed almost every ounce of me. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or not doing, it doesn’t matter if I’m with people or alone.
Every other day if not everyday is a constant struggle with having too much sleep or not sleeping enough, eating or not eating at all, feeling alone yet needing to isolate myself so that I don’t annoy people.
People tell me to find a hobby, to get up and do something, but even when I find a hobby.. or do something I feel I’m decent at, I either lose interest by finding another interest or I get bored or give up because it’s too difficult.
What seems to be my rock bottom, usually doesn’t feel like it’s enough to help me soar to the surface.
Yet despite all of these things, I’m still fighting even when I’m on my last straw.
I’m still fighting even when I feel as though I’m at my lowest point.
Someone once told me that it’s sometimes harder to let go than it is to hold on.
That may not be true for some people, but I feel as though it’s true for me personally because no natter how much I want to give into letting my body give up, no natter how many times I run away and create a new identity, no matter how many times I try to give up, for some reason, I snap out of it. I find something that motivates me without even searching for it and it’s enough until it isn’t enough again.
Slipping and
wondering where this
all went wrong
but not caring enoughÂ
to cauterize it
Falling and
worried I’m heavier
And all I need Â
is a little farther
Remember when we would lose so much sleep over talking witheachother that our time difference didn’t seem to make any difference at all?
Remember how we’d go to sleep saying good night baby and wake up asking how achieve had slept?
Remember how we had our special or names for each other and we were so obvious in chat rooms?
Remember how every time someone flirted with one another, how jealous we’d get and then talk through every argument?
Oh how much sleep I lose now, but no longer because we talk to each other unto the wee hours of the night.
Oh how we spend our nights no longer saying goodnight and our mornings without a sweet greeting.
Oh how our pet names are now just eachother’s usernames or actual names.
Oh how we are no longer eachother’s baby, so getting jealous isn’t our right anymore.
Oh how the times have changed.
– We still talk, by it’s small conversation and nothing really said anymore. Distance no longer matters because we’ve already finished. But oh how I still think of you from time to time.
Split my bones with your breath and hold me close as I’m slowly breaking apart
Melt my skin by the touch of your salt tainted hands as my world enfolds
Tear into me where it hurts the most with your every word as I sit still and fall
Work through to the core of my soul as my tears leak unto your very presence
– Show me that there’s more than what’s behind your curtains. // B.L.
Embraeyceing 