Testosterone Steps.

For those of you who have been following me on here you’d know that I’ve been on and off with not knowing whether I want to transition or not and for thos ewho don’t know, I have been struggling with my own mind regarding if transitioning is seen as a best fit for me or not.

I keep going back to the decision of taking testosterone and furthering my transition. For a really long time, I was just fine with simply getting just top surgery, but now I’ve decided that I’d like to go ahead and take the proper steps towards taking testosterone.

I booked an appointment with my doctor for next week to get some papers signed to get testosterone approved by the government.

Even if it isn’t approved and I have to pay for it, I’ll be happy either way. Although I’m not on testosterone yet, just the idea of it excites me more and more everytime I think about it. I know that taking testosterone and even getting top surgery won’t always be happy and a bowl of cherries, there will be ups and downs just like every other thing that goes on in my life. But this is what I’m taking into consideration and not just pushing the down sides away.

Employed By Depression

I keep running away from almost every opportunity I get, especially with jobs.

But in reality, depression has become like a job to me over the past 10 or 11 years.

It’s consumed almost every ounce of me. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or not doing, it doesn’t matter if I’m with people or alone.

Every other day if not everyday is a constant struggle with having too much sleep or not sleeping enough, eating or not eating at all, feeling alone yet needing to isolate myself so that I don’t annoy people.

People tell me to find a hobby, to get up and do something, but even when I find a hobby.. or do something I feel I’m decent at, I either lose interest by finding another interest or I get bored or give up because it’s too difficult.

What seems to be my rock bottom, usually doesn’t feel like it’s enough to help me soar to the surface.

Yet despite all of these things, I’m still fighting even when I’m on my last straw.

I’m still fighting even when I feel as though I’m at my lowest point.

Someone once told me that it’s sometimes harder to let go than it is to hold on.

That may not be true for some people, but I feel as though it’s true for me personally because no natter how much I want to give into letting my body give up, no natter how many times I run away and create a new identity, no matter how many times I try to give up, for some reason, I snap out of it. I find something that motivates me without even searching for it and it’s enough until it isn’t enough again.

Crush the Barcodes

I’ll probably leave an in print inside of you, on your sheets and in your hair
You’ll try to wash me out, but not even a remover can get rid of me

You might find my name amongst authors in the nearest bookstore and a few of my phone number digits engrained in grocery store barcodes

You’ll hear me behind someone’s laugh and smile

I may not be the brightest of colours, but I express more vibrancy than any rainbow can

Tell me that you won’t leave me, be my caregiver and shelter me from my own storm, show me that I’m not alone

Menacing Inhale

Air in my lungs but barely breathing
Ribs tightening and just teasing
Me to the point of cloud nine
Wondering where my boy went, canine
Breaking past the promise line

Red and bent running, racing
Back and forth like pacing
Hes not coming back, menacing
Telling me that I’m backwards not facing

Walking and trembling, trying to remember
Joining clubs, such an exclusive member
Dining and dashing, brain dismembering

Fondling, fumbling inside the womb
Wasn’t, isnt fair to assume
That I’m becoming a wall of a tomb

Take me, steer me near
Watch me burn as i swallow this beer
Gasping, too far to inhale
Reaching, creeping all I can do is exhale

Tense Bewilderment

Growing up you told me to layer up
Little did I know that you meant more than just in accord of the weather

Boys were told that they were stronger
Girls were made out to be the weaker ones
Atleast when I was younger

There are seperately shot put balls for the girls and for the boys
One set for the weaker sex
One for the stronger
And as sexist as it was, I didn’t know any better

So I struck up my own confidence, ran out of site and picked up the heavier weight
Using most of my strength to hover it into the air, bam, it landed so hard and so fast
But my, did I feel good for doing what I wanted

Not fitting in, segregated
Was told that I couldn’t do the same work as everyone else
Humiliated when I needed reassurance and repetition

Are you a boy? They all chanted knowing who I identified as, it still hurt
It still does

Useless Pasttense

I have had my heart broken the way you told me you hoped it would.

I have done things that I can’t take back and this time around I’m actually making an effort, just not towards you.

I cut you out of my life for a reason, or well many reasons.

I still think of you from time to time, but that’s all it is. Nothing more but a flash of a memory or four.

I no longer look for you in people I have never met, hear your laugher in someone’s voice. But sometimes when I see a vehical similar to your’s an ounce of care strikes my heart and then I realize that we never will be friends and maybe I’m actually okay with that.

You told me that people don’t change and that feelings do, or maybe the other way around. You’ve changed all the way through and you’re a complete stranger to me now.

We had good times and I’m not writing this so that if you read this and wonder “oh great he’s writing about me again.. maybe he’s not over me.”

I’m writing this because I don’t want you to come into my life ever again with the notion of wanting to be any type of civil. You only called me dramatic whenever I gave you an answer you didn’t want to hear, but when you gave me an answer I didn’t want to hear and I reacted similar to how you reacted towards me, I was just called dramatic and immature.

Sure maybe a small ounce of me wishes that things were different and that we could be civil and maybe even push it to casual friend, but I see the way you treated me as a friend and it was different than you treated any of your friends and well I’d rather be an enemy than be treated the way you treated me after we no longer were in eachother’s lives.

We had a good running once. once. Once……

I treated you like shit and you stuck around. I have alot in my head to work with and maybe I could have treated you better, but I didn’t and i have to live with how I treated people in the past and move forward.

Sure sometimes when I see something that reminds me of you, I get sad.. not all the time and not the heart-shattering type of sad, just the we-would-have-been-friends type of sad.

I’ve cut out many people in my life, including my birth family except for one family member and other people who I don’t see affecting my life in a decent way and you happened to be one of them.

I don’t need to be reminded of the things I’ve done and said. I don’t need to be judged by those who have altered my life in such a way as to just forget me and then come back and think they run me.

I’m not your’s, I basically only was for a few months and somewhere along the line, you had lost me and I didn’t know what it was, why I had drifted so far apart. Things happen for a reason, reasons that sometimes don’t appear until you no longer have those people in your life.

I’m glad that I’m now in therapy and I still make some of the mistakes I’ve mad ein my past, but I’m only human and I’m trying and I don’t care whether you’re in my life to whitness it or not. In my opinion, some people aren’t mean to see someone else change, especially if they’re still tainted by how you were before and don’t want to believe that you’ve made an effort to be someone else.

I’m my own person. My own messed up version of myself and maybe I’m trying to allow myself to be enough for me, not for anyone else.

Darkening Depths

Here it is, I can sense it
This, feel something
Creeping, wiping
Everything that ever felt right, good
Vanishing, clambering
All I’ve ever felt about anything, everything
Crawling, scratching
At all I am, might be
Dark, tight around my vocal chords
Eating, swallowing the words I need to define, describe this
Closing around, drowning me
We are falling apart and all I want to do is find the exact moment, figure it out
The time, incident in which we started to drift apart
But what confuses me, conflicts my thoughts
Are the times we share that come to interfere, interject
Consume me and help me feel like i can believe we’ll be okay
And those are the feelings that make me stay
The good, the bad, the overriding of comfortability
Worrying, because I want to feel you
I see people smiling, holding hands
And my heart breaks
I see people laughing, running into eachother’s arms
And every ounce of me that ever felt joy instantly disappears from sight, burying itself
All I want to do is hold you
But I feel you fading
All I want to do is wave a wand and crack it over ourselves and have the magic drip from it into our mouths and tell me that the distance is just an obstacle that can be kicked away
I just want to know if you’re still in it, this, us
Is this, us, are we what you want, need,
crave?
Sometimes you vanish far and I’m not sure whether you’re still there or if I’m just blind from all of the pain
And you see me like people have before, but things come easy and difficult at the same time
Light and dark meet and I just give you what i can, not what i need to, want to give you
My heart and maybe one day, if you want it, you can have it