I keep complaining about having to find a gender therapist. I know that I should have gotten help years ago.. But sometimes it takes people longer than others to even get up and get moving on something.
One thing for sure, is that I’ve made some emotional changes. Very little, but a few..
So I went on a trip to Seattle, Washington this past summer and before I went there, I wasn’t all that open about my gender identity and I was afraid to even use the men’s washroom, let alone correct someone on the wrong use of pronouns.
I met someone and they changed me, not entirely, as someone can’t really change someone 100%, but they helped me with that. We no longer talk and I miss that person, but I’m glad that I had met them when I did. I couldn’t thank them enough,
Now most of my friends are calling me by my preferred name, which is Jasper. I don’t cringe when people misname me, but I wish it came natural, you know?
Besides being called Jasper, which helps me feel alot more comfortable with who I am, it’s an often occurance where I have worry whether I “pass” or not. I put quotations because it’s ridiculous that one has to pass in order to be recognized as something that some people can see right through. If that even makes any sense whatsoever.
Back to Seattle for one minute, when I went there, I was introduced to the men’s washroom again. Now beforehand, I had only stepped foot inside a men’s washroom maybe a handful of times, if that. But once I got there it was like my whole comfort level went frm 1 being close to being super uncomfortable straight to around 6 or 7, being more comfortable than I had ever felt.
So once I had had helped with that, I had to figure out how to actually go in there without worrying. I try to avoid eye contact with the other men in the washroom, or I atleast just hurry as fast as I can. I even wait inline for the stall now. I wouldn’t dare ait before. I used to be scared.
I just wish I could have been born male and not have to go on testosterone, change my name, or get surgery. All I know is that I want to get top surgery done while I’m waiting for a gender therapist.
I’ve been looking and have contacted one or two psychologists/therapists so far.
I have now seen my Social Worker twice and have been recommended to go to an LGBTQ group, which offers both group and individual counselling.
I am going to call them this week.
I’m proud of myself a little bit.