Employed By Depression

I keep running away from almost every opportunity I get, especially with jobs.

But in reality, depression has become like a job to me over the past 10 or 11 years.

It’s consumed almost every ounce of me. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or not doing, it doesn’t matter if I’m with people or alone.

Every other day if not everyday is a constant struggle with having too much sleep or not sleeping enough, eating or not eating at all, feeling alone yet needing to isolate myself so that I don’t annoy people.

People tell me to find a hobby, to get up and do something, but even when I find a hobby.. or do something I feel I’m decent at, I either lose interest by finding another interest or I get bored or give up because it’s too difficult.

What seems to be my rock bottom, usually doesn’t feel like it’s enough to help me soar to the surface.

Yet despite all of these things, I’m still fighting even when I’m on my last straw.

I’m still fighting even when I feel as though I’m at my lowest point.

Someone once told me that it’s sometimes harder to let go than it is to hold on.

That may not be true for some people, but I feel as though it’s true for me personally because no natter how much I want to give into letting my body give up, no natter how many times I run away and create a new identity, no matter how many times I try to give up, for some reason, I snap out of it. I find something that motivates me without even searching for it and it’s enough until it isn’t enough again.

Sleeping Differences

Remember when we would lose so much sleep over talking witheachother that our time difference didn’t seem to make any difference at all?

Remember how we’d go to sleep saying good night baby and wake up asking how achieve had slept?

Remember how we had our special or names for each other and we were so obvious in chat rooms?

Remember how every time someone flirted with one another, how jealous we’d get and then talk through every argument?

Oh how much sleep I lose now, but no longer because we talk to each other unto the wee hours of the night.

Oh how we spend our nights no longer saying goodnight and our mornings without a sweet greeting.

Oh how our pet names are now just eachother’s usernames or actual names.

Oh how we are no longer eachother’s baby, so getting jealous isn’t our right anymore.

Oh how the times have changed.

– We still talk, by it’s small conversation and nothing really said anymore. Distance no longer matters because we’ve already finished. But oh how I still think of you from time to time.

Galaxy Ridden

Walking along the throws of the universe
Speckled, necklaces strung together made of the stars that are shining
Forming your name, screaming your
Existence, and for an instance
Maybe you and I can believe in something
And not think we’re nothing

Take me to the hurricanes, show me their outcomes
Watch me squirm as the tornados shed their arms upon my head
Tread, me softly
Read me hard

There’s confortability in every storm

As similar you are different                 even distant you are near                      you are the million, also one
Everything and nothing at all

With you, confortability is as evident as there are other kinds among us and with you, lies configurability and solidarity, plans to escape and find eachother

You say, tell me you don’t deserve please allow me, let me reserve              a place for you, myself inside your       mountainous framed heart, pour           unto me your burdens that trouble          all that you are, instead of double

As often as I tell you, I care
As the night falls, I grow tired                 of remembering that I let you go, retired before I even realized, knew, shots fired
but I still want to calm your storm

Darkening Depths

Here it is, I can sense it
This, feel something
Creeping, wiping
Everything that ever felt right, good
Vanishing, clambering
All I’ve ever felt about anything, everything
Crawling, scratching
At all I am, might be
Dark, tight around my vocal chords
Eating, swallowing the words I need to define, describe this
Closing around, drowning me
We are falling apart and all I want to do is find the exact moment, figure it out
The time, incident in which we started to drift apart
But what confuses me, conflicts my thoughts
Are the times we share that come to interfere, interject
Consume me and help me feel like i can believe we’ll be okay
And those are the feelings that make me stay
The good, the bad, the overriding of comfortability
Worrying, because I want to feel you
I see people smiling, holding hands
And my heart breaks
I see people laughing, running into eachother’s arms
And every ounce of me that ever felt joy instantly disappears from sight, burying itself
All I want to do is hold you
But I feel you fading
All I want to do is wave a wand and crack it over ourselves and have the magic drip from it into our mouths and tell me that the distance is just an obstacle that can be kicked away
I just want to know if you’re still in it, this, us
Is this, us, are we what you want, need,
crave?
Sometimes you vanish far and I’m not sure whether you’re still there or if I’m just blind from all of the pain
And you see me like people have before, but things come easy and difficult at the same time
Light and dark meet and I just give you what i can, not what i need to, want to give you
My heart and maybe one day, if you want it, you can have it

Bone chilling waves

I was scared, but you dulled my fears
By instilling heartfelt warmth
To my bones that were once radiating chills
And now I’m not sure whether the the dark is jealous that I’ve had some light in me, or if the sun is worried that I’ll sink back down
The seas shake whenever I step foot and flood them with my own waves
Drowning things as I press my head against the sanded footprints
I’m still here even if my soul becomes hard as stone and your heart can sense the density of what was
So tell me, what is it that you see in me?
Is it the way I attempted to pull you from the storm that cascades your every thought, or the way that my heart fills your ears?

You’re right here, yet I’m missing you.

We went up in flames too fast
Burnt bright too hard
Our hearts couldn’t keep up
Fading in, our voices
Throwing out, our touches
So distant
Running out of words to say
Warmth turned to cold
As our bones brush against one another’s, our bodies entwined as one
We look up at each other and wonder where the fuel walked off to
And so here we are, thinking whether we should fight the fire
Or dampen it with our cries
I, laying alone, missing you feels so lonely, yet you’re still here.

– You’re still here, yet my heart longs for you.

Photoshopped Reality

I worry that it’s out of line, out of your comfort zone, boundary                                                                                                                                                                                                 But I want to, tell you, show you things that don’t come easy to me                                                                                                                                                                                       Baring them would mean that I’m giving you permission to take it all in

Destroy what I am meaning to give to you, handing over those that my hands have reaped, but not sewn                                                                                                               Dissect me, compare and contrast the things that make me tick and what you’re intrigued by                                                                                                                                         Light my way into easy paradise with your sun kissed window                                                                                                                                                                                                   Let me peer through, further depths Inside what one would call soul                                                                                                                                                                                 Heart

I want to know more about you because what I see in your pictures                                                                                                                                                                             Photography only an amateur would want to photoshop, take away from                                                                                                                                                                           Your beauty that radiates without even a red room, red light to reveal the blemishes that only your scars now show                                                                                                     I care about you in ways that I didn’t know I’d come to, stumble upon, across                                                                                                                                                                     Fall into every time we converse

Hi, hello, I don’t even need a conversation with you that goes beyond just a simple salut, hola                                                                                                                                              to feel what I feel, to know what I know and to want what I want with you, from you, by your side

I barely know you, but your writing implements, implies more than I could even begin to tell you                                                                                                                             Please continue to inspire others the way you inspire likeminded individuals and people who feel the need to tell you how they feel regarding your status                                 I cry just knowing that you’re still here, friend or no friend, I see you in a different light and storytelling doesn’t justify me

Dying Travesty

I feel so alone even though I’m not. I’m so dependant on people and I know that I can live without someone , but i just don’t understand how people can jump from one relationship to the other and I’m just sitting here and I cant even date one person.

im too much of a mess, even when I’m solid. when i start to work on myself, I notice things getting better because i allow them to and then someone comes along and i get attached and all they have to do is give me attention.

I feel as though i have attachment issues that may stem from my birth mother not being there and although i had and have parents who have raised me, it’s as though I’m still looking, searching for that something that will fix me, heal me from whatever this void is.

I keep developing these online friendships, relationships, encounter, whatever you want to decipher them as. I go online because I’m a legit computer addict. People don’t take me seriously when I tell them that. they just say “yeah well so am I”. maybe they are, but it’s something I struggle with. I’ve become addicted with the fact that I can be who and whatever I want on here.

I’m me on here, just as i am in person, but it’s easier. I keep convincing myself that im better off dating people online because then I don’t have to get physically attached and I’ll be okay. but it’s worse. it’s really bad.

I don’t know what to do anymore. i have so many things to say, and do. but I’m just thoughts. I don’t know how to put them into physical things.

I want to be social but I don’t like it at the same time because it causes anxiety, and stress. ” am i bothering you? ” ” why are they are looking at me that way? “. those are only a few of the questions that ask myself, not out loud though.

I just want to be okay and happy because ive been there before in a state of happiness.

Am I even alive though? sometimes I ask myself that. I don’t even know what I am if I am breathing. not human, but also not an alien.