Coursing Palpitations

I’ve attempted to, even when I haven’t, to guilt trip you and                                                                                                   make you feel like you did me wrong, when really I let you go so soon                                                                                     and maybe I was just way too weak to stay, too weak to admit that I want you, mostly you

Although you’ve made it clear that the we that had transitioned                                                                                               to us has become no longer, I’m still trying to figure out if it was more than                                                                             just our seperate troubles, other factors besides the distance eating us

I sometimes wake up in a panic, struck over the heart, body hit                                                                                               with the storm that I had created for the both of us and                                                                                                             all I can seem to be able to do is wade it out with every few                                                                                                     fiber that is left circulating, coursing through my very body

Hurting, is what this may be, regret, guilt, not quite inlove-love, but                                                                                     love is still being felt up even after letting myself let you down and                                                                                           I can feel us slowly disappearing out of eachother’s lives and it’s killing me

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Darkening Depths

Here it is, I can sense it
This, feel something
Creeping, wiping
Everything that ever felt right, good
Vanishing, clambering
All I’ve ever felt about anything, everything
Crawling, scratching
At all I am, might be
Dark, tight around my vocal chords
Eating, swallowing the words I need to define, describe this
Closing around, drowning me
We are falling apart and all I want to do is find the exact moment, figure it out
The time, incident in which we started to drift apart
But what confuses me, conflicts my thoughts
Are the times we share that come to interfere, interject
Consume me and help me feel like i can believe we’ll be okay
And those are the feelings that make me stay
The good, the bad, the overriding of comfortability
Worrying, because I want to feel you
I see people smiling, holding hands
And my heart breaks
I see people laughing, running into eachother’s arms
And every ounce of me that ever felt joy instantly disappears from sight, burying itself
All I want to do is hold you
But I feel you fading
All I want to do is wave a wand and crack it over ourselves and have the magic drip from it into our mouths and tell me that the distance is just an obstacle that can be kicked away
I just want to know if you’re still in it, this, us
Is this, us, are we what you want, need,
crave?
Sometimes you vanish far and I’m not sure whether you’re still there or if I’m just blind from all of the pain
And you see me like people have before, but things come easy and difficult at the same time
Light and dark meet and I just give you what i can, not what i need to, want to give you
My heart and maybe one day, if you want it, you can have it

Photoshopped Reality

I worry that it’s out of line, out of your comfort zone, boundary                                                                                                                                                                                                 But I want to, tell you, show you things that don’t come easy to me                                                                                                                                                                                       Baring them would mean that I’m giving you permission to take it all in

Destroy what I am meaning to give to you, handing over those that my hands have reaped, but not sewn                                                                                                               Dissect me, compare and contrast the things that make me tick and what you’re intrigued by                                                                                                                                         Light my way into easy paradise with your sun kissed window                                                                                                                                                                                                   Let me peer through, further depths Inside what one would call soul                                                                                                                                                                                 Heart

I want to know more about you because what I see in your pictures                                                                                                                                                                             Photography only an amateur would want to photoshop, take away from                                                                                                                                                                           Your beauty that radiates without even a red room, red light to reveal the blemishes that only your scars now show                                                                                                     I care about you in ways that I didn’t know I’d come to, stumble upon, across                                                                                                                                                                     Fall into every time we converse

Hi, hello, I don’t even need a conversation with you that goes beyond just a simple salut, hola                                                                                                                                              to feel what I feel, to know what I know and to want what I want with you, from you, by your side

I barely know you, but your writing implements, implies more than I could even begin to tell you                                                                                                                             Please continue to inspire others the way you inspire likeminded individuals and people who feel the need to tell you how they feel regarding your status                                 I cry just knowing that you’re still here, friend or no friend, I see you in a different light and storytelling doesn’t justify me

Alone in the depths

Attention is what I seek, also something that tends to destroy me.

It’s as simple as someone stating that they miss me or care about me and I soak that in and twist it as something else. They care about me in a romantic way, they miss me in a romatnic way and in almost every case, it’s the opposite.

Why can’t I just take a friendship for how it is, not what I see it is or wish it were to be.

I can be alone, but I’m miserable alone even when I’m happy alone.

Stuck While Flowing

image

Sometimes I feel as though I am the river and the rocks are my obstacles.

No matter how hard I try to push the bigger rocks out of the way, I aim for the smaller ones first becausw rhey don’t seem to matter.

By the time I reach back to the bigger boulders, they feel heavy with the emotional weight I gained by focusing on the things that didn’t matter as much.

There I am, slightly bent at the knees, straight back, as thigh I were lifting a heavy box, trying to pick up what I had purposely left behind in the hopes of them disappearing, being washed away somehow, crushed beneath the earth’s gravity.

Sometimes with a strong effort, like a tornado of wind, the boulders move slightly, but when I don’t act quick enough, other rocks gather around and sit there and becoming like the others. Unthought of and waiting.

Therepuetic Awakening

I’m feeling some type, sort of way

Regarding the embers that burst around us, or was it all in my head darling?

I hear things that I only want you to know

Embracing what I’ve ever told you, maybe you’ll still hold onto the way I think

There’s fires that have replaced the settle sparks

Medicated is what you suggested as some type of therapy, be my therapist

Your words are and always will be spilt with more organization than my very own

Broken are we together, but fixed we won’t be apart

One might read this and think we are lovers, just friends though, I guess

Shaken is the voice that escapes my esophagus, you’re still hear listening

While my hands are drenched with yesterday’s troubles, I’m still breathing

Dead is what I wanted, thought I needed, but you read my like a book and believe otherwise

Walking around I am, with nothing but solidarity, I’m still here and so are you

Slowly eating, breaking into me.

Just what do you think you’re gaining from this so called
fever like symptoms that you’re providing my body with
goosebumps and sweat
developing as all I do is simply look at you
pictures or in person
I want you and everything that you have to offer
But just how long do you think you have the right to do this to me for
Call me selfish, but I deserve to have the wind stay within my ribcage and
Not disappear like a feather in a storm
Keep telling me that you honestly had no idea that
was the case, but it is the case
an issue because I’d rather remain alive by your side
than have my entirety slip beneath my very being