Depressing Haunts.

I feel so alone, even though I have people around me sometimes. I just want to push everyone away. My old problems are starting to hit me like a brick again. Not that they stopped haunting me, they were just hovering.

I have a job.. part time, I longboard almost every other day, I try to read once in a while but sometimes my lack of attention span gets to me, I want interaction with my friends, but life is slowly draining me again.

I want to talk. I want to be there for people, but sometimes I just can’t even be there for myself, you know? I have hopes. I have dreams…. but they’re becoming more broken and I haven’t chipped away at them as much as I could have.. should have… the should haves are getting to me.

I could be worse… my problems aren’t as bad as some people’s, but that doesn’t make me any less valid, does it? People tell me I am valid, but I don’t feel that way sometimes.

I’m losing myself more and more everyday. I wish I could write more often, but I keep running out of words. It’s hard to transfer all of my feelings into words. This entire time for years, I thought I was writing what I was feeling, and sometimes I was and do write about how I feel.. but it’s usually how I think I feel. I didn’t realize that until therapy.

I hate that my therapist is away until near the end of August.. I just started getting back into therapy because I stopped going. I thought I could handle being alone… being without help… but I have a difficult time.

Coursing Palpitations

I’ve attempted to, even when I haven’t, to guilt trip you and                                                                                                   make you feel like you did me wrong, when really I let you go so soon                                                                                     and maybe I was just way too weak to stay, too weak to admit that I want you, mostly you

Although you’ve made it clear that the we that had transitioned                                                                                               to us has become no longer, I’m still trying to figure out if it was more than                                                                             just our seperate troubles, other factors besides the distance eating us

I sometimes wake up in a panic, struck over the heart, body hit                                                                                               with the storm that I had created for the both of us and                                                                                                             all I can seem to be able to do is wade it out with every few                                                                                                     fiber that is left circulating, coursing through my very body

Hurting, is what this may be, regret, guilt, not quite inlove-love, but                                                                                     love is still being felt up even after letting myself let you down and                                                                                           I can feel us slowly disappearing out of eachother’s lives and it’s killing me

Dying Travesty

I feel so alone even though I’m not. I’m so dependant on people and I know that I can live without someone , but i just don’t understand how people can jump from one relationship to the other and I’m just sitting here and I cant even date one person.

im too much of a mess, even when I’m solid. when i start to work on myself, I notice things getting better because i allow them to and then someone comes along and i get attached and all they have to do is give me attention.

I feel as though i have attachment issues that may stem from my birth mother not being there and although i had and have parents who have raised me, it’s as though I’m still looking, searching for that something that will fix me, heal me from whatever this void is.

I keep developing these online friendships, relationships, encounter, whatever you want to decipher them as. I go online because I’m a legit computer addict. People don’t take me seriously when I tell them that. they just say “yeah well so am I”. maybe they are, but it’s something I struggle with. I’ve become addicted with the fact that I can be who and whatever I want on here.

I’m me on here, just as i am in person, but it’s easier. I keep convincing myself that im better off dating people online because then I don’t have to get physically attached and I’ll be okay. but it’s worse. it’s really bad.

I don’t know what to do anymore. i have so many things to say, and do. but I’m just thoughts. I don’t know how to put them into physical things.

I want to be social but I don’t like it at the same time because it causes anxiety, and stress. ” am i bothering you? ” ” why are they are looking at me that way? “. those are only a few of the questions that ask myself, not out loud though.

I just want to be okay and happy because ive been there before in a state of happiness.

Am I even alive though? sometimes I ask myself that. I don’t even know what I am if I am breathing. not human, but also not an alien.