Testosterone Steps.

For those of you who have been following me on here you’d know that I’ve been on and off with not knowing whether I want to transition or not and for thos ewho don’t know, I have been struggling with my own mind regarding if transitioning is seen as a best fit for me or not.

I keep going back to the decision of taking testosterone and furthering my transition. For a really long time, I was just fine with simply getting just top surgery, but now I’ve decided that I’d like to go ahead and take the proper steps towards taking testosterone.

I booked an appointment with my doctor for next week to get some papers signed to get testosterone approved by the government.

Even if it isn’t approved and I have to pay for it, I’ll be happy either way. Although I’m not on testosterone yet, just the idea of it excites me more and more everytime I think about it. I know that taking testosterone and even getting top surgery won’t always be happy and a bowl of cherries, there will be ups and downs just like every other thing that goes on in my life. But this is what I’m taking into consideration and not just pushing the down sides away.

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Back Burner Mental.

I’m sorry that my mental healt is such an inconvenience. But this isn’t any different. Maybe I could learn to not react as strongly as I do at all the “wrong: times, but I need you two, more than you know.

This isn’t just going to go away, simply just by sitting down and talking with people who already made it clear that they will never support me. That’s why I hate it when people tell me that family will come around, and maybe some people’s families do come around, and maybe I could be worse off, but this is already my version of “worse”.

It’s getting to the point where I’m realizing that most of me is just confining myself to other people’s perceptions. I get it it’s not something easy, it’s not something that can happen over night. But I’m just as confused as you are if not more.

I’m the person you raised, just altered. I’m your daughter who is now your son…. atleast in my eyes. I have support, but not by many family members and it hurts when I say that I’m going to have to cut out family and all you say is “do what you need to do”…. why can’t you just come around? Why can’t you just call me male. I’ve been mostly gender fluid mostly my entire life and now that I’m trying to actually be upfront and in the open about it, I’m being shut down.

People tell me to step into your shoes and try to see what it would be like to have a child who’s transgender or who is just simply being themselves. I’d like to think that even if I hadn’t gone through what I’ve gone through, that I’d try to understand what my child goes through. I’d like to think that I’d still love them with open arms and a steady heart.

Maybe you will come around, I’m just tired of feeling like I deserve this. Like I deserve to be told that I’m someone I’m not and just the thought of being introduced to people by the pronouns I grew up with, rather than my actual pronouns and name, actually hurts me more than the reality of it.

I love you, I probably always will. But sometimes Love simply isn’t enough. I’m tired of putting my mental health at risk. For anyone but myself.

Employed By Depression

I keep running away from almost every opportunity I get, especially with jobs.

But in reality, depression has become like a job to me over the past 10 or 11 years.

It’s consumed almost every ounce of me. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or not doing, it doesn’t matter if I’m with people or alone.

Every other day if not everyday is a constant struggle with having too much sleep or not sleeping enough, eating or not eating at all, feeling alone yet needing to isolate myself so that I don’t annoy people.

People tell me to find a hobby, to get up and do something, but even when I find a hobby.. or do something I feel I’m decent at, I either lose interest by finding another interest or I get bored or give up because it’s too difficult.

What seems to be my rock bottom, usually doesn’t feel like it’s enough to help me soar to the surface.

Yet despite all of these things, I’m still fighting even when I’m on my last straw.

I’m still fighting even when I feel as though I’m at my lowest point.

Someone once told me that it’s sometimes harder to let go than it is to hold on.

That may not be true for some people, but I feel as though it’s true for me personally because no natter how much I want to give into letting my body give up, no natter how many times I run away and create a new identity, no matter how many times I try to give up, for some reason, I snap out of it. I find something that motivates me without even searching for it and it’s enough until it isn’t enough again.

Sleeping Differences

Remember when we would lose so much sleep over talking witheachother that our time difference didn’t seem to make any difference at all?

Remember how we’d go to sleep saying good night baby and wake up asking how achieve had slept?

Remember how we had our special or names for each other and we were so obvious in chat rooms?

Remember how every time someone flirted with one another, how jealous we’d get and then talk through every argument?

Oh how much sleep I lose now, but no longer because we talk to each other unto the wee hours of the night.

Oh how we spend our nights no longer saying goodnight and our mornings without a sweet greeting.

Oh how our pet names are now just eachother’s usernames or actual names.

Oh how we are no longer eachother’s baby, so getting jealous isn’t our right anymore.

Oh how the times have changed.

– We still talk, by it’s small conversation and nothing really said anymore. Distance no longer matters because we’ve already finished. But oh how I still think of you from time to time.

Satan’s Scalp

One minute, soaring so high
So high even the sky was jealous

Two minutes, saying things on the top of my scalp
Not bad, but annoying

Times have changed, zones
Prone to become something I can only tolerate intoxicated and under the knife

And all I had wanted minutes prior, were my wings to be clipped and my feathers to drop
A shell if you will, to leave behind

And all I felt was the loudness of my bludgeoned body parts, lightened inside the drowned space

Confided, but not claustrophobic
Tense, but not shaken

Demons calm, so intensely, immensely calm

Bludgeoned Glows

Where will the skies take us now if our feet won’t open up the ground
Spaces thoroughly invaded, voids unfulfilled but you wouldn’t know
Just look at the pavement, how it glows with dead goals and ambitions

Beaten paths have been sought out only to be brought out
Broken down, death ridden, bed hidden among the rose trampled temper

Wandering the caves of the infected youths
Bludgeoned, impacted heavily with only the finest eyes
Creatures tending to the gardens of our headscapes

You told me that we have galaxies inside of us and that you let them out sometimes
Some people may find sadness among that, I come across beauty

The stars align so that people can search for their own ways to connect the dots to create things inside that not everyone can tell

Such as the mirrors, we look to the night for answers we need
Reality versus the livelihood of the sunrise
Fake and temporary

I’ve sought out for destiny inside of my turned over past self and I seek shelter over and underneath the peaked skyline

Havoc Thorns

I’m afraid I’ll just watch you burn as I walk away, from the webs I had set on fire with the poisonous threads weaved inside the thorn sharpened frames

Breaking slowly, cracked you may be and I hope you don’t keep attempting to dabble into the oceanic traps I may set for you unless you are entirely prepared

Bombs, tick tock, going off before you set foot among the torturous field like havoc I reak

I’m here, will be here until my demons eat me more and turn my voice into their own and I’m their’s before I surrender to you because darling, my mind has never been set free