I see, or so I thought I saw
Something less but something more

I saw, or so I think I saw
Something more out of something less

And I saw what I see now and I see what I saw then
Out of something less came something more

Employed By Depression

I keep running away from almost every opportunity I get, especially with jobs.

But in reality, depression has become like a job to me over the past 10 or 11 years.

It’s consumed almost every ounce of me. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or not doing, it doesn’t matter if I’m with people or alone.

Every other day if not everyday is a constant struggle with having too much sleep or not sleeping enough, eating or not eating at all, feeling alone yet needing to isolate myself so that I don’t annoy people.

People tell me to find a hobby, to get up and do something, but even when I find a hobby.. or do something I feel I’m decent at, I either lose interest by finding another interest or I get bored or give up because it’s too difficult.

What seems to be my rock bottom, usually doesn’t feel like it’s enough to help me soar to the surface.

Yet despite all of these things, I’m still fighting even when I’m on my last straw.

I’m still fighting even when I feel as though I’m at my lowest point.

Someone once told me that it’s sometimes harder to let go than it is to hold on.

That may not be true for some people, but I feel as though it’s true for me personally because no natter how much I want to give into letting my body give up, no natter how many times I run away and create a new identity, no matter how many times I try to give up, for some reason, I snap out of it. I find something that motivates me without even searching for it and it’s enough until it isn’t enough again.

Sleeping Differences

Remember when we would lose so much sleep over talking witheachother that our time difference didn’t seem to make any difference at all?

Remember how we’d go to sleep saying good night baby and wake up asking how achieve had slept?

Remember how we had our special or names for each other and we were so obvious in chat rooms?

Remember how every time someone flirted with one another, how jealous we’d get and then talk through every argument?

Oh how much sleep I lose now, but no longer because we talk to each other unto the wee hours of the night.

Oh how we spend our nights no longer saying goodnight and our mornings without a sweet greeting.

Oh how our pet names are now just eachother’s usernames or actual names.

Oh how we are no longer eachother’s baby, so getting jealous isn’t our right anymore.

Oh how the times have changed.

– We still talk, by it’s small conversation and nothing really said anymore. Distance no longer matters because we’ve already finished. But oh how I still think of you from time to time.

Sleepless Needs

So worth losing sleep over, you are
What I want and need but all of a sudden I start seeing you as someone I want to see in a bad way
Because my mind tends to turn what’s good into something that kills me faster but doesnt kick in until later
I want you, but I’m too tainted, poisoned, I am
Trying but not trying hard enough and my wings are telling me to fly but the temperature is dropping
Falling back onto the ground, one wing pointing upwards and the other being laid upon

Plummeting Breaths

I look for others to make promises for me
Ones I wish I could keep, so far away
From my own mind’s keepsakes and searching for sanity
It’s all I do, holding on to see and waiting
For something, any reason
Clarification as to why it’s harder to let go than to look up at the stars and find peace among the hollow stars that once were filled with gleaming shimmer

I look to others to breathe for me
Breaths that once came easy, now are tainted by the darkest attempts at finding fate
Shallow and fast strokes as my lungs move in and out, shielding what’s left of my pumping bloodened heart

Here, still here or there, everywhere I am at once and nowhere together with the personas I’ve created to sharpen the blades that I stabbed into my own back, punishing the gold rays that beamed from my childhood self with silver thrashes

Body Ghost

I know this area, sort of and something about it, everything reminds me of those I’ve never foot step here with before

It’s as though they’re haunting me like a spirit with unfinished business, only these are still alive as far as I’m aware

Taunted by the very taunt itself of memories I’ve never shared with certain ghosts of my past inwhich I created myself

Version of my past self live here, born here to someone as a stranger to myself and yet my heart feels something dark sitting in the seat of my legs

Lost in your own galaxies.

You’re lost in the sheets of your own mind and I wish they were the ones on my bed

You’re so slowly disappearing among the galaxies in your body and I wish they were entangled with mine

You’re no where to be found, out of  physical eyes sight and I wish you’d allow yourself to get lost in my words

You’re so lovely and you have no idea how much I care about you and I wish that you could read this and come back

– I wrote this for you even though you wanted space and I know that we’re just friends, but even as a friend I feel like you’re not yourself anymore and it makes me miss you so much more.