Feared Childhood

Hello bellows stranger, smiling
Response returned, screams
Watching beady eyes, dialing
Numbers shredded through their mind as they’re calculating how long another reply is going to take

Strangled by the tension, eating away at the shrapnel covered bones that lay upon my beating heart
Burying me among the blossoming beats
Grinning as I return the glance

Little was known, the little boy inside of me was protecting the adult me from what happened long ago
Shrieks, laughs, mocking
Taunting and teasing
Sticks, word stones strewn

Quickly, racing around in the circles of my bottomless galaxy
Get out of here, but my body is responding in similar ways as my child – like self did

Up, worried, scared running further
Soaring through the wind with whiplashes of the scenery warping beneath my feet

Home, at last.

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Social Anxiety.

When I’m speaking my opinion with a friend.

Me: Sorry
Them: Why are you sorry?

When I’m barely talking in a group.

Them: Why aren’t you talking?
Me: Sorry. Everytime I speak up, I’m either being ignored or I cause an awkward silence.

When I’m at a restaurant with a friend and have a plate of food in front of me barely eaten.

Them: Why aren’t you eating? Makes me feel awkward for being the only one eating.
Me: Sorry. I get anxiety sometimes when I eat in public.

I apologize a lot because growing up, I felt invisible and I got ignored a lot up until highschool. I was afraid to eat in public, let alone even talk in a group of friends.

People tell me I apologize too much and that I shouldn’t. I apologize because I picture myself to be the teacher in charlie brown you mumbled in the background and felt like people thiught of me that way. That’s mainly why I don’t socialize often with my friends in person.

So when people tell me to ” get off the internet ” and to ” make ‘ real ‘ friends “, it’s not that easy for me. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. My friends online are very much real to me and a lot of them know more about me and have stuck by me more than most people in my outside of the internet life.

Day 10 – 30 Days Transgender Challenge

I think that since I listen to music often while I’m writing/blogging, I’m going to list the song that I’m listening to as I’m writing just for fun.

Right now I’m listening to A Part Of Me ( Ft. Laura Whiteside ) by Neck Deep.

What are some of your fears in regards to being trans?

Personally, my fears may be different than other people’s fears, but a huge fear of mine is coming out to employers. 

When I was working with children, I was still identifying as female, but I was struggling with pronouns and trying to figure myself out. I was referred to as ” Ms. ” and my last name. I hadn’t asked to use my preferred name. I didn’t know how to go about it.

Then I had an interview at this place and asked if I could go by my preferred name and I never got the job, and I thought by that point I may have gotten it.

At my previous job, I had asked to be referred to as Jay and my boss asked me if that’s what I wanted and he never asked me why. It eased some of my worries.