You’re happy, I hope

You’re still sitting wanting to see me
But you have a new person now to occupy your thoughts
You’re allowed to see them, talk to them, feel good by them

Why am I jealous of such ships that I’ve drowned myself in before
Not the same, but similarly speaking
And I just can’t seem to fathom the idea
That maybe someone one day will do more than just tolerate me

Sorry, sorry that I have such a fucked up mind
Sorry, sorry I can’t always communicate other than miscommunicating
through destruction
And I must say you’re looking so good
So happy and I’m glad that someone’s helping you find that
in yourself
Please promise me though, that you won’t get hurt
That you won’t let pain in

I’ve seen you happy, this is it, keep it
I’ll be here, for when you need an ear
Even when I’m not here, I’m here

Escape me, jump in
Run, not away

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Abandoned Ruins

​Standing so deep

Into the woods

Chains, I hear chains

You were there and held me close

And I burst out laughing

Scared shitless
Friends like you, I need more

And more people to talk to who

Are afraid of the same things

But lighten the load by

Shrieking similar howls

Bue

No one is you and I keep looking for you in things that aren’t even there.
No one is you and I keep creating hopes from your past words and making them feel like you recently said them to me.
No one is you and I keep thinking that you’ll want me even though you’ve made it clear that you don’t.

I’ve said things to you that I’ve said to millions of other people and I’ve met people like you but at the same time, you differ from them and I can’t quite put a name on it.

I’m not inlove with you, and sometimes I see similar signs that I portrayed in the past with an obsession I had with that person for 4 to 5 years with you and sometimes I’m I confuse reality and fantasy with you.

You are not mine, but I keep calling you my boy, my bue, mine. You are not my boy, not mins, but you are my bue and you hold a bigger place in my heart and take up more space in my head and consume more of my body than most people.

No one is you and I keep looking for someone to be you because I can’t have you.

No one makes me feel how you make me feel

Shrill Midnight

Writing out of pure calm
Walking through midnight with my open palm
I feel light compared to when I took flight
I can be open now, flood the gates
Trickling into the grass, slithering snakes

And some might say, I’m too late
Others may scowl, I shouldn’t wait
I’m here now, still here
Soft as a teddy, heart is near

You’re not scary, and if you are
I’m not sure why, but I haven’t wandered too far
Because I know what it’s like to confide in an angel
And have the devil’s laugh drill into you

Love Friend.

I’d write this in the form of poetry, but this isn’t really poetic.

This is about a boy, maybe that’s a cliche way of starting a blog post, but this is genuine and I don’t really care about how cliche or not this is.

He’s not just a last resort, and if he is, I usually tell him. I feel like I can be so honest with him and if I find myself lying, I always tell him. I think he understands why I do that, not that lying is an excuse. I haven’t lied to him in a long while.

It’s nice how when him and I go a while without talking, our conversations can start back up again, whether it’s reminising about the past, continuing an unfinished subject, or starting a new journey together. I’m not in love with him, but I feel a sense of love towards him and for him.

Maybe I’m lonely, but I’m lonely in general and for some reason, sometimes I seek him out more than even he or myself even knows.

I find myself wanting to tag him in random posts, but sometimes I’m worried he’ll see them and think ” Uh, why would you tag me in this? what does this post even mean in regards to me? “. Or that I’m being pushy and annoying with how I feel.

I care about him, and I remind him way too much.. atleast too much in my eyes, but I actually do. I care and sometimes when I tell him that I love him, I need to know myself that I do. I just want himto know that even though i don’t understand his mind sometimes, or the particular situations he’s experiencing, that I’m here and I haven’t left entirely except times when I’m almost disassociating in general or closing off and isolating myself from him and people in general.

I find that I usually close off when I feel like I’m being ovr affectionate and overwhelming.

But I’m glad he’s there, and my intentions with him are more good than bad.

( Maybe you’ll read this some day bue )

Regardless, I care.

I care about you                                                                                                                                                                               I won’t make you feel bad                                                                                                                                                               if you don’t feel the same

I want you in my life                                                                                                                                                                         I won’t make you feel bad                                                                                                                                                               if you don’t feel the same

I feel comfortable with you                                                                                                                                                               I won’t guilt trip you                                                                                                                                                               regardless of how you feel

Lost in your own galaxies.

You’re lost in the sheets of your own mind and I wish they were the ones on my bed

You’re so slowly disappearing among the galaxies in your body and I wish they were entangled with mine

You’re no where to be found, out of  physical eyes sight and I wish you’d allow yourself to get lost in my words

You’re so lovely and you have no idea how much I care about you and I wish that you could read this and come back

– I wrote this for you even though you wanted space and I know that we’re just friends, but even as a friend I feel like you’re not yourself anymore and it makes me miss you so much more.