Employed By Depression

I keep running away from almost every opportunity I get, especially with jobs.

But in reality, depression has become like a job to me over the past 10 or 11 years.

It’s consumed almost every ounce of me. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or not doing, it doesn’t matter if I’m with people or alone.

Every other day if not everyday is a constant struggle with having too much sleep or not sleeping enough, eating or not eating at all, feeling alone yet needing to isolate myself so that I don’t annoy people.

People tell me to find a hobby, to get up and do something, but even when I find a hobby.. or do something I feel I’m decent at, I either lose interest by finding another interest or I get bored or give up because it’s too difficult.

What seems to be my rock bottom, usually doesn’t feel like it’s enough to help me soar to the surface.

Yet despite all of these things, I’m still fighting even when I’m on my last straw.

I’m still fighting even when I feel as though I’m at my lowest point.

Someone once told me that it’s sometimes harder to let go than it is to hold on.

That may not be true for some people, but I feel as though it’s true for me personally because no natter how much I want to give into letting my body give up, no natter how many times I run away and create a new identity, no matter how many times I try to give up, for some reason, I snap out of it. I find something that motivates me without even searching for it and it’s enough until it isn’t enough again.

Advertisements

Plummeting Breaths

I look for others to make promises for me
Ones I wish I could keep, so far away
From my own mind’s keepsakes and searching for sanity
It’s all I do, holding on to see and waiting
For something, any reason
Clarification as to why it’s harder to let go than to look up at the stars and find peace among the hollow stars that once were filled with gleaming shimmer

I look to others to breathe for me
Breaths that once came easy, now are tainted by the darkest attempts at finding fate
Shallow and fast strokes as my lungs move in and out, shielding what’s left of my pumping bloodened heart

Here, still here or there, everywhere I am at once and nowhere together with the personas I’ve created to sharpen the blades that I stabbed into my own back, punishing the gold rays that beamed from my childhood self with silver thrashes

Tortured Blindside

Some people will betray you
Like a hawk with a carcass                    no matter how many times you return the favour                                               you’ll be stabbed for the times you didn’t

Some people will torture you with what was                                                                   and slowly poison                                     you with a deadly punch of sugar        right from underneath your blindside

You need to take what you know and throw it back                                        make them plead mercy in front of your sharp smile
Lure them in with a snide comment and kill them with your instincts

Vein Like Substances

Shot down underneath the robe
You were wearing the night you told
Me that rivers only flow when there’s a reason to breach through confidentiality
And I just stood there wondering what you meant by that and you were referring to the air circulating through my body
Running veins gathering nutrients from the heart I once had

You said I had a choice whether to remain cold or to warm up the soul someone needed when they were younger
Here I am I said, trying to travel towards you at such great vagility
My body just looming over
Bending into another shape you’ve never seen before
Here I am my darling

Menacing Inhale

Air in my lungs but barely breathing
Ribs tightening and just teasing
Me to the point of cloud nine
Wondering where my boy went, canine
Breaking past the promise line

Red and bent running, racing
Back and forth like pacing
Hes not coming back, menacing
Telling me that I’m backwards not facing

Walking and trembling, trying to remember
Joining clubs, such an exclusive member
Dining and dashing, brain dismembering

Fondling, fumbling inside the womb
Wasn’t, isnt fair to assume
That I’m becoming a wall of a tomb

Take me, steer me near
Watch me burn as i swallow this beer
Gasping, too far to inhale
Reaching, creeping all I can do is exhale

Tense Bewilderment

Growing up you told me to layer up
Little did I know that you meant more than just in accord of the weather

Boys were told that they were stronger
Girls were made out to be the weaker ones
Atleast when I was younger

There are seperately shot put balls for the girls and for the boys
One set for the weaker sex
One for the stronger
And as sexist as it was, I didn’t know any better

So I struck up my own confidence, ran out of site and picked up the heavier weight
Using most of my strength to hover it into the air, bam, it landed so hard and so fast
But my, did I feel good for doing what I wanted

Not fitting in, segregated
Was told that I couldn’t do the same work as everyone else
Humiliated when I needed reassurance and repetition

Are you a boy? They all chanted knowing who I identified as, it still hurt
It still does

Mom, dad, I’m your son.

Mom, dad, it’s as though you have three sons instead of two and one daughter
Was what I said to my parents before I realized I was who I am today
Although I may have said it in a joking way, I was being serious
And maybe, just maybe, I’ll say it again to them
And maybe, just maybe, I can tell them that every time they say ” I love you…. but…” that the ” but ” only encourages me back into the closet I forgot existed besides the one I store my clothes in
So dark, so full of confusion and self hatred
They may be confused, but so am I at times
But they still have a child, just a slightly differently version
They didn’t lose a daughter, they just lost the label
They gained a son