Golden Spew

( I’ll edit this later )

We were almost as gold, until I started spewing reality and it scuffed your hardly-been-touched soul

You attempted to show me around your home, but your home was not mine and so I only kept dropping money down to make up for my own mistakes

Somewhere, nowhere is the opposite of our destination, you stood and cradled me only to drop me back onto place I came from and beckoned that i stay there

So I waded you like a pool, starting shallow and them diving with little fear, but not deep enough to see you as the scum that you had thrown layered on top of all along

Climbing back up only to find myself scraping by with the heat of the sun on my back and the ridges of your spine and you just sat there staring with those karma-is-going-to-get-you-eyes

I went back, left you with a part of me that I didn’t ask for you to keep, but your smile insisted and your soft caress scolded me

Onward, downwards it felt like, meeting new people to bury the hatchet you made yourself to be, if only I had used you more holding the handle so you’d have more blade to suffer with

Go to hell, but I was there, went there and came back only to find you and everyone else you shared my darkest temptations with, my life’s burdens, watching me and mocking me

I let you get me, attack me, kill me slowly with the boils you breathed out saying I deserved to be my own worst demon

Now I’m back to square one, only the shape feels like it’s been cut back and my lungs are the walls of the structure I should have destroyed years ago, but I’ll rebuild it using your cunt as cement.

Tortured Blindside

Some people will betray you
Like a hawk with a carcass                    no matter how many times you return the favour                                               you’ll be stabbed for the times you didn’t

Some people will torture you with what was                                                                   and slowly poison                                     you with a deadly punch of sugar        right from underneath your blindside

You need to take what you know and throw it back                                        make them plead mercy in front of your sharp smile
Lure them in with a snide comment and kill them with your instincts

Abandonded Highway Eyes

You drove me somewhere, it felt so strange                                                    and I stepped out of the car to look around                                                       not sure why, but eyes

Staring towards me, my direction           in from a car                                           ones gleaming and startling me         stirring this energy inside of me

Backing off, away from destruction        I could feel them from behind me          so there I was, you had already left       and abandonded I was                      calling you but entering the wrong number as I walked along the highway

Distancing Trudges

Leaving me, left me so I thought                                                                                                                                                   running, I did, ran so far  somehow your trudging footsteps caught up to mine                                                                             and I thought to look back

Trembling, fumbling, tripping started dining                                                                                                                                   with the soul that I didn’t                                                                                                                                                               think I’d ever come across

Realizing, figuring out what it was that made you drift                                                                                                             departure from everything, distancing  yourself                                                                                                                             from anything I ever offered you                                                                                                                                                 just because I did the same to you

Vein Like Substances

Shot down underneath the robe
You were wearing the night you told
Me that rivers only flow when there’s a reason to breach through confidentiality
And I just stood there wondering what you meant by that and you were referring to the air circulating through my body
Running veins gathering nutrients from the heart I once had

You said I had a choice whether to remain cold or to warm up the soul someone needed when they were younger
Here I am I said, trying to travel towards you at such great vagility
My body just looming over
Bending into another shape you’ve never seen before
Here I am my darling

Menacing Inhale

Air in my lungs but barely breathing
Ribs tightening and just teasing
Me to the point of cloud nine
Wondering where my boy went, canine
Breaking past the promise line

Red and bent running, racing
Back and forth like pacing
Hes not coming back, menacing
Telling me that I’m backwards not facing

Walking and trembling, trying to remember
Joining clubs, such an exclusive member
Dining and dashing, brain dismembering

Fondling, fumbling inside the womb
Wasn’t, isnt fair to assume
That I’m becoming a wall of a tomb

Take me, steer me near
Watch me burn as i swallow this beer
Gasping, too far to inhale
Reaching, creeping all I can do is exhale

Knifed Witch

There I was, atleast I think it was me, I was standing somewhere I don’t recall ever being to before.

This woman, she looked awfully familiar as though I knew her outside of the character she presented as on the television, was there.

She made me do things for her, as though I was her personal slave and I think other people were used up and thrown away by her. Having their loving versions of them stripped away with every bleeding stroke placed upon by this woman.

So here I was, listening to her every command. She told me to clean the walls of this place, building? I have no idea, it could have just been a free wall for all I knew.

I remember using this long standing pole that extended long ways above my head with a knife attached to it underneath a light bluish-turqiouseish cleaning cloth.

Scrubbing, moving along the wall, up and down like the person she tried to make me into.

Eventually this girl came along, stopped by to see what we were doing. What I was doing. She had a nose ring and I remember telling her that she was pretty, but it was as though I wasn’t there.

Invisible like I had felt for years. Non- existent to those who didn’t expect anything from me.

I looked at the woman and I don’t remember what she said to me, but it appeared as thiugh she was angry at me for stopping what I was doing and then all of a sudden, this baby appeared.

Whether the baby was there the entire time or not, I had no idea. So I picked the baby up and started talking with them. I remember feeling frightened by their movements as though it was about to bite me every time it loomed and fell forward into my chest.

That’s all I remember and they say that dreams usually mean something.

Maybe it’s that I’ve felt invisible because I stopped caring about people and I let people walk on me and I only repeated what they did to me to people.

Tense Bewilderment

Growing up you told me to layer up
Little did I know that you meant more than just in accord of the weather

Boys were told that they were stronger
Girls were made out to be the weaker ones
Atleast when I was younger

There are seperately shot put balls for the girls and for the boys
One set for the weaker sex
One for the stronger
And as sexist as it was, I didn’t know any better

So I struck up my own confidence, ran out of site and picked up the heavier weight
Using most of my strength to hover it into the air, bam, it landed so hard and so fast
But my, did I feel good for doing what I wanted

Not fitting in, segregated
Was told that I couldn’t do the same work as everyone else
Humiliated when I needed reassurance and repetition

Are you a boy? They all chanted knowing who I identified as, it still hurt
It still does

Satan’s Sweet Serenity

Eating, gnawing at what seems to be my veins                                                                                                                           not allowing electrolights to flow through them                                                                                                                               almost as though my body is allowing something to destroy it’s very vessel

Attempting, progressing towards total enililation                                                                                                                       before giving up is even an option and                                                                                                                                 surviving can even be a decision

Never too sure, can’t be too clear                                                                                                                                                   of what exactly can stop this                                                                                                                                                           prevent myself from being such a desirable target

I’m trying to block the poison from reaching my tongue,  but it’s such a tempting taste of serenity

Phototherapy

I’m still a beginner with taking pictures. I just bought a new camera a few weeks ago with the intent of taking pictures of anything and everything.

I find that inbetween Therapy sessions, photography helps bring my creative side out. There are only so many outlets that help me and the lense is one.

This picture could have been taken better, but it shows a place I grew up. Pictures tell a thousand words.