Lilac Cold

I needed a way to breathe, but not the kind where your lungs open up and your heart is heavy with a dark hurt

So I laid still, as still as the waters under a cover of white lillies frozen in the dead of winter and maybe that’s why I could relate to the season of dry because some have told me that I am the reason they long for cold

As I closed my eyes, so tempted to open and flutter them but not making it obvious that I was still half awake, I thought of the worst

Such a crucial feeling, so critical to my body bag, swallowing me before I even could slow my breath and watch the world around me from behind closed shutters

Slowly creeping, cascading me in clover delicacy, there I was, turning what was warm into a rose without petals because it was what I needed to feel alive

The silence was actually more deafening than I had imagined, my voice turned into something unrecognizable, but I let it scream me into tears, take my life and turn it into my biggest fears.

I had never felt so weak and scared, who knew sleeping could do this, or being half lucid even.

Wires became a face looming towards my very quiet heart, I needed to move, but I didn’t want to, so I kept staring until I heard a shriek

I woke up, and twice, thrice, it got scarier, so I just woke my body up and remembered the feeling and fell into a deep slumber until I just woke up.

I became the monsters people warned me about. I created ghosts out of monsters that weren’t even there in the first place.

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Phototherapy

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I’m still a beginner with taking pictures. I just bought a new camera a few weeks ago with the intent of taking pictures of anything and everything.

I find that inbetween Therapy sessions, photography helps bring my creative side out. There are only so many outlets that help me and the lense is one.

This picture could have been taken better, but it shows a place I grew up. Pictures tell a thousand words.

I prefer winter’s cold shoulders.

I want to believe that the summer is more comforting than the winter, but I’m not quite sure that it is.

The winter calms me as it freezes the water droplets on tree branches.

The winter relaxes me everytime I see the sky shedding little pieces of frozen art.

The winter speaks to me in volumes, when the summer just keeps denying me of my air.

The winter bares my demons lighter than the summer claims to show.

But here I am trying to list the things that summer benefits me besides it’s positive vibes.

It’s rays of sunshine lifts me up, but maybe I’d rather the winter allow me to cilmb admist it’s cold shoulders.

It’s light tear falls dulls even the sharpest parts of me, but maybe I’d rather the winter stab me in the back with it’s icicles of truth.

It’s way of heating me feels nice, but I’d rather the winter show me all it has in store for me as it’s angry storms rip apart the seams of my very being.