Spewing Stupidity

I ran into familiar territory
not looking where I was going
words spewing from their mouth
while I was staring at them
wondering where this was going

I was so naive, so stupid
to think I wouldn’t be trapped
into another conversation
as to if I’ve gotten
certain parts of me removed
and if I’d open their brain and climb right and soak my body into their mattress

My eyelids keep closing over
eyes falling back into my head
as I educate and step further back

To think I was just engaging in friendly catch up
instead, I was made to feel like I owed them something just because I accepted their help with something

Twisted Eyelids

I can feel my thoughts
catching on my gums
every time I chew on
words that keep
getting caught underneath
my tongue
and it’s uncomfortable

I can see my own eyelids
from the inside
twisting images
and squeezing the memories
out onto my skin
drip drip dripping
all over my veins

I can hear my brain
spinning on top of my
spinal cord
turning around
like a carousel
only my skull is
the seat that my sanity
is sitting on
as insanity controls the speed

From Last to Now

​Everytime I bring up the fact that I’m becoming more myself

You bat it away like a player up to bat
Everytime I try to tell you that

I’m uncomfortable with you identifying me for me

You act like I’m a burden.                       even though you say I’m not

I’m happier now, but it still stings.

Deleting and making a new blog.

To my followers and anyone who comes across this.

I have had this blog for I believe 4 or 5 years now and when I first made it, I used my legal first name as my url and I want to get away from that.

I’d hate to lose my followers, but I want to make a new blog and move all of my writing over to it.

I will make another post with my new blog url when I make one.

Thank you to all of you who have stuck with me since the beginning and thank you to all of my new readers.

 

Dear Janelle

Dear Janelle,

I’m writing you this because I can’t really call you, or I could but I’d just be hearing your voice and I don’t want to make this any harder than it has been for the past few years.

We have been one in sync with each other since we were born. Attached to the hip some might say.

We were raised the same way, same values. But we started to drift farther and farther apart when we were in our early twenties, but we stayed together for the sake of our routines and our loved ones.

We knew that if we drifted too far apart, our families wouldnt accept us as much as they did when we tried to force things to work.

I’m finding a new love within myself and so I have to let most of you go, but I will never deny that you were ever on my mind, or in my heart, but the time has come for me to shed my old skin and walk in new shoes.

You will always be apart of me and I’ll hold you with me always, but like a child with their favourite blanket, they let go of it eventually but always remember it. You have been my blanket for my entire life.

I am filing a divorce from you so that I can be who I need to be on my own, but I’m sure we will still talk from time to time and your name will come up in conversations, probably often as I tell the story of us, but for now I have to let most of you go.

Never forgotten.

Braeydyn.

Sometimes I dread family gatherings even though they usually end up alright.

It isn’t because I don’t enjoy them, I just know that the people I’m sometimes surrounded by are people who don’t always accept and support my transition. I haven’t started transitioning yet but I plan to do so.

Today though, this family gathering was one of the best gatherings I’ve had in a very long time. The reason being that my younger brother, growing up we fought non-stop and we literally could not breathe the same air without some sort of fight happening and he never supported me being transgender, actually… ACTUALLY called me by my preferred name without it seeming forced. Sometimes he’d call me by my legal name afterwards but would laugh jokingly. It was a really nice feeling. He got a new phone and asked how to spell my name and what my email was. No other questions were asked. He actually has come around whether he supports me or not, he’s been making an effort.

It kind of givs me a little more hope regarding my entire family. That helped me so much already.

I’ve been feeling on and off shitty and lately just spending time with my family and my friends has made me feel less alone.

Usually I just sit with my thoughts and yesterday I stepped out of the house for the first time in literally 3 days. I’d wake up every few hours and then sleep consistantly for another 3 or 4 hours. I’d then stay in my room all day.

I had weird side effects from my medication and even now, I keep thinking about the things I’ve done, ways I’ve treated people, especially those who didn’t even do me any harm to begin with. I can’t go back, hell knows I would if I could. But I can’t.

Things usually turn out to be okay, I always turn out okay. It was enough for a while, but now it’s more than enough right now. I’d rather be okay than where I was exactly a week ago tonight.

I haven’t made much progress as far as relationships and friendships go, but the motivation is slowly creeping back up a few levels instead of constantly spiraling downwards.

I’ve been having trouble writing poetry lately, but I’m finally able to write these words tonight.

Tonight, I am okay. Tonight, I can feel and I’m okay with that. Tonight, I’m a bit sad, but I. Am. OKAY..

I’m actually in a good mood and I want to document this moment because it’s rare that I actually write about my feelings instead of how I think I’m feeling.

I feel warm and soft and sweet. I actually care and it’s taken me years to realize that I’m not the thoughts that come rushing at me in the middle of the night.

I’m not the invasive panic attacks that hit me when I’m out in public doing literally nothing but walking around or sitting down.

I am this person who has allowed their thoughts to win against their heart.

I am this person who is very good, but prefers to self project their insecurities on to people and attempt to push them awya before they can run off by themselves.

I’ve placed so much dwelling and hatred on my past that I literally have been living in it. Some days now, I’m out of it walking around with a new head and a fresh start.

I’ve come quite far, but I still have things to do, things to work on and places to be.

No one can go back into the past, you can only move forward even if it hurts to move forward. I’ve held back so much that I’m getting to the point where even if I don’t want to let certain thigns go, I need to.

I’e bene holding onto the person iw as because it’s who I’ve been living as for my entire life almost. I’m not that person as a whole, just parts. I am someone else and that is okay.