Self Concrete

For a split second
I thought you had come around
but you have already turned
into the person I already knew you were

For an entire moment
I saw the potential in you
To accept me for who I am
And just not support who I was

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From Last to Now

‚ÄčEverytime I bring up the fact that I’m becoming more myself

You bat it away like a player up to bat
Everytime I try to tell you that

I’m uncomfortable with you identifying me for me

You act like I’m a burden.                       even though you say I’m not

I’m happier now, but it still stings.

Deleting and making a new blog.

To my followers and anyone who comes across this.

I have had this blog for I believe 4 or 5 years now and when I first made it, I used my legal first name as my url and I want to get away from that.

I’d hate to lose my followers, but I want to make a new blog and move all of my writing over to it.

I will make another post with my new blog url when I make one.

Thank you to all of you who have stuck with me since the beginning and thank you to all of my new readers.

 

Dear Janelle

Dear Janelle,

I’m writing you this because I can’t really call you, or I could but I’d just be hearing your voice and I don’t want to make this any harder than it has been for the past few years.

We have been one in sync with each other since we were born. Attached to the hip some might say.

We were raised the same way, same values. But we started to drift farther and farther apart when we were in our early twenties, but we stayed together for the sake of our routines and our loved ones.

We knew that if we drifted too far apart, our families wouldnt accept us as much as they did when we tried to force things to work.

I’m finding a new love within myself and so I have to let most of you go, but I will never deny that you were ever on my mind, or in my heart, but the time has come for me to shed my old skin and walk in new shoes.

You will always be apart of me and I’ll hold you with me always, but like a child with their favourite blanket, they let go of it eventually but always remember it. You have been my blanket for my entire life.

I am filing a divorce from you so that I can be who I need to be on my own, but I’m sure we will still talk from time to time and your name will come up in conversations, probably often as I tell the story of us, but for now I have to let most of you go.

Never forgotten.

Braeydyn.

Sometimes I dread family gatherings even though they usually end up alright.

It isn’t because I don’t enjoy them, I just know that the people I’m sometimes surrounded by are people who don’t always accept and support my transition. I haven’t started transitioning yet but I plan to do so.

Today though, this family gathering was one of the best gatherings I’ve had in a very long time. The reason being that my younger brother, growing up we fought non-stop and we literally could not breathe the same air without some sort of fight happening and he never supported me being transgender, actually… ACTUALLY called me by my preferred name without it seeming forced. Sometimes he’d call me by my legal name afterwards but would laugh jokingly. It was a really nice feeling. He got a new phone and asked how to spell my name and what my email was. No other questions were asked. He actually has come around whether he supports me or not, he’s been making an effort.

It kind of givs me a little more hope regarding my entire family. That helped me so much already.

I’ve been feeling on and off shitty and lately just spending time with my family and my friends has made me feel less alone.

Usually I just sit with my thoughts and yesterday I stepped out of the house for the first time in literally 3 days. I’d wake up every few hours and then sleep consistantly for another 3 or 4 hours. I’d then stay in my room all day.

I had weird side effects from my medication and even now, I keep thinking about the things I’ve done, ways I’ve treated people, especially those who didn’t even do me any harm to begin with. I can’t go back, hell knows I would if I could. But I can’t.

Things usually turn out to be okay, I always turn out okay. It was enough for a while, but now it’s more than enough right now. I’d rather be okay than where I was exactly a week ago tonight.

I haven’t made much progress as far as relationships and friendships go, but the motivation is slowly creeping back up a few levels instead of constantly spiraling downwards.

I’ve been having trouble writing poetry lately, but I’m finally able to write these words tonight.

Tonight, I am okay. Tonight, I can feel and I’m okay with that. Tonight, I’m a bit sad, but I. Am. OKAY..