Clocks Ahead.

We were three hours apart, or well we still are. But now it feels like four.

You once told me that I was from the future because of the time.

Now with just a slight change, it feels as though you’re further away than you were last night.

Our distance isn’t just measured on miles anymore, but the seconds between us.

– we changed the clocks last night and losing an hour of sleep makes me feel like you’ve fallen more behind and that makes me sad. // Lukas Owen.

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Lost in your own galaxies.

You’re lost in the sheets of your own mind and I wish they were the ones on my bed

You’re so slowly disappearing among the galaxies in your body and I wish they were entangled with mine

You’re no where to be found, out of  physical eyes sight and I wish you’d allow yourself to get lost in my words

You’re so lovely and you have no idea how much I care about you and I wish that you could read this and come back

– I wrote this for you even though you wanted space and I know that we’re just friends, but even as a friend I feel like you’re not yourself anymore and it makes me miss you so much more.

Social Anxiety.

When I’m speaking my opinion with a friend.

Me: Sorry
Them: Why are you sorry?

When I’m barely talking in a group.

Them: Why aren’t you talking?
Me: Sorry. Everytime I speak up, I’m either being ignored or I cause an awkward silence.

When I’m at a restaurant with a friend and have a plate of food in front of me barely eaten.

Them: Why aren’t you eating? Makes me feel awkward for being the only one eating.
Me: Sorry. I get anxiety sometimes when I eat in public.

I apologize a lot because growing up, I felt invisible and I got ignored a lot up until highschool. I was afraid to eat in public, let alone even talk in a group of friends.

People tell me I apologize too much and that I shouldn’t. I apologize because I picture myself to be the teacher in charlie brown you mumbled in the background and felt like people thiught of me that way. That’s mainly why I don’t socialize often with my friends in person.

So when people tell me to ” get off the internet ” and to ” make ‘ real ‘ friends “, it’s not that easy for me. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. My friends online are very much real to me and a lot of them know more about me and have stuck by me more than most people in my outside of the internet life.

Change can change people.

It’s amazing how much can happen in a year, two years or even a few months.

I’ve pushed so many people away, mostly good. I’ve gone back to the people who brought nothing but toxicity upon my chest and left those that actually meant something to me. I didn’t realize it until they were gone.

Recently, I had got into an argument with one of my sisters whom which was my best friend. They overreacted in response to something, but so did I because I realized that I no longer could handle being near them.

Mostly because I felt like I was only staying in her life because I was reliving my teenage years through her and we were too alike and I had to move forward and grow up.

As much as I miss them at times, I’m still a bit less overwhelmed. Someone else is still haunting me from my past. I’ve done some things I regret, but I’m still trying to change my ways and I have but they refuse to believe that I can change.

Honestly, as much as I’m still the same person, as much as the time I still spend indulging in some old habits, therapy has been helping me.

I used to avoid therapy like the black plague. I gave myself reasons not to go. 5 sessions in with my new therapist and I feel better, not the best I cam be because whether I had years of issues or not, it’s still going to take time to figure my life out. Especially if I want to transition or not.

By I’m farther than I was and it’s okay to take steps backwards as long as I keep going forward. Which I’m trying to.