So I made my new account.

I need to update my information and profile picture on it, but the URL is:

http://oceanaicbraeyne.wordpress.com

Lost in your own galaxies.

You’re lost in the sheets of your own mind and I wish they were the ones on my bed

You’re so slowly disappearing among the galaxies in your body and I wish they were entangled with mine

You’re no where to be found, out of  physical eyes sight and I wish you’d allow yourself to get lost in my words

You’re so lovely and you have no idea how much I care about you and I wish that you could read this and come back

– I wrote this for you even though you wanted space and I know that we’re just friends, but even as a friend I feel like you’re not yourself anymore and it makes me miss you so much more.

Dying Travesty

I feel so alone even though I’m not. I’m so dependant on people and I know that I can live without someone , but i just don’t understand how people can jump from one relationship to the other and I’m just sitting here and I cant even date one person.

im too much of a mess, even when I’m solid. when i start to work on myself, I notice things getting better because i allow them to and then someone comes along and i get attached and all they have to do is give me attention.

I feel as though i have attachment issues that may stem from my birth mother not being there and although i had and have parents who have raised me, it’s as though I’m still looking, searching for that something that will fix me, heal me from whatever this void is.

I keep developing these online friendships, relationships, encounter, whatever you want to decipher them as. I go online because I’m a legit computer addict. People don’t take me seriously when I tell them that. they just say “yeah well so am I”. maybe they are, but it’s something I struggle with. I’ve become addicted with the fact that I can be who and whatever I want on here.

I’m me on here, just as i am in person, but it’s easier. I keep convincing myself that im better off dating people online because then I don’t have to get physically attached and I’ll be okay. but it’s worse. it’s really bad.

I don’t know what to do anymore. i have so many things to say, and do. but I’m just thoughts. I don’t know how to put them into physical things.

I want to be social but I don’t like it at the same time because it causes anxiety, and stress. ” am i bothering you? ” ” why are they are looking at me that way? “. those are only a few of the questions that ask myself, not out loud though.

I just want to be okay and happy because ive been there before in a state of happiness.

Am I even alive though? sometimes I ask myself that. I don’t even know what I am if I am breathing. not human, but also not an alien.

Confined Spaces

I look for you in places where only certain parts of the sun have touched

I find you in spaces that even the moon hasn’t been able to light

I lose you in cities which are unknown to man and beast

I only have myself and nature and maybe that’s okay

Stringed Mind

I can’t stand straight
See forward
Breathe softly
The alcohol is calling me
But tonight, I’m answering
Only the things that don’t
Scream my name
Or cry onto me
Here I am
Attempting to
Ignore the overwhelming
Emotion
Not only is it dark
Because at some point
Even the darkness had some
Light to it
This is different
It’s never seen the sun
It’s been sitting
Cradled
Nestled within my very rib cage
Heart you guess, no
Alive you ask, no
Dead you assume, no
Existent you ponder, no
It’s not a heart
It isn’t alive
is not dead
Nor does it exist
For it is something made up
To define one’s inner self
Numb to the core, it is

Dying to come back to life
But it was never alive
Never even breathing

Yet it still somehow
Yearns for my touch
My reply
My everything

Almost giving in
I reach my fingers across
The strings
Strumming
Harder and harder
Against the guitar
Faster and faster
The more I hold it in

I’m bursting, I say
Continue to play me, it said
I’m deeply saddened, I stuttered
Have faith in me, it replied
I just want to be loved, I cried
You’ve given up on me, but I’m still here, it answered

Still I sit here, trying to think of
Something clever to tell you
To sing to you
But all of my words
Come out as jumbled as my brain

Never try to pick through all
Of the layers of anyone
For even if you do
You will wish you never had
For the secrets that lie within
Are so scarily disturbing
That even the person
Withholding this
Information
These patterns
Can’t figure out
What’s going on
Nor do they know how to
Control it

Every fear
Every diagnosis
Every label
Every disease
It somehow allows us
To stick
To define
To mould to it
Like a shape shifter

This time it’s broken
There is no liquid
To turn solid into
A blasphemous shape

You need help

I know that I need help
They’ve told me too many
Times on and off
You’re okay
Wait you need help
She won’t stick around you know
Because of your demons
But that’s okay I replied
Back to the devil
We create these visions
These situations
They don’t exist until they
Become what you’ve made them
Out to be
Your challenge

Blue Jays Game

So I’m not really a fan of sports, let alone Baseball. I mean I’d rather play them, but I’m not really into playing sports as much either. I used to okay basketball, but for fun. I also played Badminton in highschool.

So back onto the subject of Baseball, I got invited last minute, the day/night before the game. I said I was open to going because I wanted to be social.

So then after work yesterday (the day of the game), I was about to bail on my friend. I then changed my mind and decided to go.

Before we go there, I had a few shots of vodka, and I don’t really like drinking straight alcohol, but I decided that since a few other people were drinking that I atleast would.

Then my friends and I decided to go and buy Shwarmas and I normally wouldn’t have been able to eat such a huge sandwich sober, but I did.

Then at the game, I didn’t really pay much attention. To be quite frank, I don’t even remember who won. Not because I was typsy/drunk, but because I didn’t pay attention.

I was talking with a few guys I met through my friends and then this one guy randomly started staring at me. I thought I was a creep and I’ve been called a creep many times, but he wouldn’t stop staring. It was really awkward.

To sum up the rest of the night, I was glad that I went. I, being not so social, I would do it again just because I got to hang out with the guys.

Infact, one of them referred to everyone as “guys” or “bros”, I forget which term they used, but it felt nice.

I then woke up with a little bit of a headache and I took tyonel and almost passed out at work.