Situated Corpses.

I finally jumped onto the Twenty One Pilots band wagon and am writing this post while listening to:

Car Radio – Twenty One Pilots

“I run off before I even push them away. I try so hard to solidify myself to situations.. to my own state of being but im a ghost carrying around it’s own corpse. ”

I feel as though everything seems to be a matter of ” trying ” mostly because I over think and under think.

I think too much, but I also hardly think before I speak because my mind is constantly racing, tracing the constant circles that I ahve created cycles within.

My head keeps falling while my body stands tall and weak waiting for the exact moment that my mind will match it’s lively hood.

Crawling, sprawling out amongst the fields of my sprouting memories, dampening Nostalgia.

Darkening Depths

Here it is, I can sense it
This, feel something
Creeping, wiping
Everything that ever felt right, good
Vanishing, clambering
All I’ve ever felt about anything, everything
Crawling, scratching
At all I am, might be
Dark, tight around my vocal chords
Eating, swallowing the words I need to define, describe this
Closing around, drowning me
We are falling apart and all I want to do is find the exact moment, figure it out
The time, incident in which we started to drift apart
But what confuses me, conflicts my thoughts
Are the times we share that come to interfere, interject
Consume me and help me feel like i can believe we’ll be okay
And those are the feelings that make me stay
The good, the bad, the overriding of comfortability
Worrying, because I want to feel you
I see people smiling, holding hands
And my heart breaks
I see people laughing, running into eachother’s arms
And every ounce of me that ever felt joy instantly disappears from sight, burying itself
All I want to do is hold you
But I feel you fading
All I want to do is wave a wand and crack it over ourselves and have the magic drip from it into our mouths and tell me that the distance is just an obstacle that can be kicked away
I just want to know if you’re still in it, this, us
Is this, us, are we what you want, need,
crave?
Sometimes you vanish far and I’m not sure whether you’re still there or if I’m just blind from all of the pain
And you see me like people have before, but things come easy and difficult at the same time
Light and dark meet and I just give you what i can, not what i need to, want to give you
My heart and maybe one day, if you want it, you can have it

Canvas Lashes

Song that I am listening to while writing the following poem: 

Let Me Go By KDrew, Rico & Miella

If only I could muster of the words to tell people exactly how I feel                                                                                                                                                                               As limited as my vocabulary is, my breath mutters more than any definition could scream                                                                                                                                       So the way my body moves is it’s own language undefined, unnoticed

Tear drops are the one thing I can rely on, just as pictures explain more than anything vocalized ever could                                                                                                       It’s taken me years to realize, appreciate such gestures as those subliminal images                                                                                                                                             Atleast for now, poetry radiates a bit of what can be seen if you allow your imagination to gather enough information from such things

For now, kisses are the one form of poetry I haven’t experienced enough                                                                                                                                                                 The way lips softly brush the canvas with light strokes and                                                                                                                                                                                       butterfly lashes fluttering quickly as fast as one blinks                                                                                                                                                                                           marking it’s territory by leaving trails of salty tear like substances

One day I’ll be able to find a new canvas to project such broad ideas onto                                                                                                                                                                 and jump back and look for a bird’s eye view as such an illusion may appear from afar

Body language to me is louder than the words flowing from peoples’ mouths.

This may sound creepy and or strange to most people, but I’ve actually met quite a few people who enjoy doing this as well. People watching is what I am referring to. Not necessarily staring as a way of being creepy, even if it appears to be by the people walking by.

I’ve been people watching for as long as I can remember. I’m not great with depicting which age I was at which part of my life, but I was younger.

It;s one of the things I do for passing the time. All I do is I could be at a mall, or at a park, sitting and listening to music and I just watch how people interact with one another, how they react to seeing other people looing at them, the way they run for a bus that is late, the way their eyes dart across the pages of a book, how fast their fingers move across their phone or tablet screens.

I don’t know why, but it’s my way of learning about people, the different types of people who are out there without exactly interacting with them. I’m socially awkward most of the time, and it’s just calming for me.

It helps me with picking apart the language of people’s bodies without them even speaking. Body language speaks louder to me than the actual act of using my ears to listen.

It’s actually not as creepy as it sounds. You’ll be surprised as to how many people do this, and it’s harmless in my eyes.

Walking alongside the demons

The song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Just What I am by Kid Cudi Featuring King Chip. You calmed me down when the demons were popping out Now they're slowly receiding, like my hairline may end up one day Confessing my sins to you as though you're a preacher But I know that I can trust you, walk with you To the shore, along the way I can open up Maybe, just maybe you'll be that person who will stick around Friend, yes, calming to say because I've had them, been there and done that Hit the friend scene and fleed it like a circus Crowds aren't my forte, but a lot of things aren't Trust is something I'll have to work on more Because I trust so easily that I don't, so trust me when I say I'm dying Inside in more ways than one, with feeling entrapped Aside from the fact that I've benched, sidelined these things I like to refer to as broken I can be there too, not just you baring the weight of intellectuality Sometimes I don't make sense, and I let my brain do the talking I say whatever's on my mind, filtered sometimes, but mostly not Like the water in the rivers, flowing without boundaries

 

Day 30 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

The song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Listen by Sent By Ravens

Write a haiku about being trans

I am confined inside

Not as a girl, or a boy

Just a bit of both

 

Day 29 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

Song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Hello Time Bomb by Matthew Good Band

Write out something positive about yourself using the letters of your name. Ex. Your name is Bob so B-Beautiful O-Outstanding B-Boy.

I have a few preferred names thta I go by, but I’ll use the name that I’ve been going by for a while.

Joker

Aware

Self-Expressor

Pleaser

Expressive

Revived

I had to look up some words because I had thought of more negative words than positive.

Day 28 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

Song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Cigarettes by Noah Gundersen

What is something you have to do everyday or else you feel like your whole day is off if you don’t do it?

As many people will say, Music. If I don’t listen to music for atleast an hour or two before I sleep at night, I feel thrown off. It’s something I do to release emotional tension. I don’t know why, but it’s something I’ve been doing for the majority of my life and it’s a routine for me and whenever it’s broken and or thrown off, I get agitated and angry.

Day 27 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

The Song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Mean What You Say by Sent By Ravens

What goals do you have?

Goals:

1. Therapy.

I am currently unemployed and have been for the past short while and I want to start finding a therapist that I will want to stick with and battle some demons that I’ve been struggling with throughout the years.

2. Job.

I have recently signed up with a company to help people with learning disabilities find and keep employment. I feel as though I can benefit from this program and I actually really want to work right now, whether it be part-time or full-time.

3. Move out.

I have never moved out of my parents house. I’ve lived in the same house my entire life and the only time I’ve lived anywhere else was on and off in past relationships, but it was more so just visiting. I want to save enough money to move out.

4. Gender.

I  have been using this time to figure out what I want to do transitioning wise. I really don’t know what I want to do anymore, but I’ve been taking Zinc and Magnesium to help boost my Testosterone levels.

Writings of a not-so-called writer.

Can you call yourself a writer if you aren’t published and don’t write various different types and forms of writing?

Can you call yourself a writer if you don’t even write things often?

I just say I write instead of calling myself a writer, unless I’m using hashtags as writers because it helps my poetry navigate the internet better.

It’s amazing how you can be so into writing for a while, almost anything and everything inspires you to write. It could be something as simple as a little speck of dust.

The dust, who knows what exactly that dot is speckled with, how long ago it drifted from out of nowhere.

Or something that can be written about a million times in a million different ways such as a person.

They sat there, all they did was sit there and I was taken aback. only my mind knew what to say while my mouth couldn’t vocalize those thoughts.

Sometimes, it doesn’t really take something I’ve seen before or something I’ve heard or said before to spark the desire, the yearning to jot down words in the form of poetry, rhyming or not.

I just turn on music, usually the old same songs I listen to on repeat or I dip into the waters of unfamiliar sounds to my ears and I just start writing.

I used to write about what I felt falling in love would feel like. Then I started writing about heart break, insanity and I even wrote some pieces while drinking alcohol. I’d often find myself re-reading what I’ve written the previous night in the wee hours of the night/morning and I found that my mind was all over the place, as it always seems to be, but it was more obvious in what was on the programs I type in on my laptop, and spilled onto paper.

I go through periods of time where I don’t even pick up a pencil or a pen and then I meet someone who inspires me, who is there and who I’m intrigued by. Whether it be someone I’m into or a person I met waiting at the bus stop on a rainy or snowy day.

Then I start getting back into the scene. Barely eating, staying up later, talking with that one person and not doing much other than writing about them or something they’ve said or I’ve just simply thought about them.

Writing, I’d have to say can be hard, but is one of my biggest releases. Escapes.