Situated Corpses.

I finally jumped onto the Twenty One Pilots band wagon and am writing this post while listening to:

Car Radio – Twenty One Pilots

“I run off before I even push them away. I try so hard to solidify myself to situations.. to my own state of being but im a ghost carrying around it’s own corpse. ”

I feel as though everything seems to be a matter of ” trying ” mostly because I over think and under think.

I think too much, but I also hardly think before I speak because my mind is constantly racing, tracing the constant circles that I ahve created cycles within.

My head keeps falling while my body stands tall and weak waiting for the exact moment that my mind will match it’s lively hood.

Crawling, sprawling out amongst the fields of my sprouting memories, dampening Nostalgia.

Darkening Depths

Here it is, I can sense it
This, feel something
Creeping, wiping
Everything that ever felt right, good
Vanishing, clambering
All I’ve ever felt about anything, everything
Crawling, scratching
At all I am, might be
Dark, tight around my vocal chords
Eating, swallowing the words I need to define, describe this
Closing around, drowning me
We are falling apart and all I want to do is find the exact moment, figure it out
The time, incident in which we started to drift apart
But what confuses me, conflicts my thoughts
Are the times we share that come to interfere, interject
Consume me and help me feel like i can believe we’ll be okay
And those are the feelings that make me stay
The good, the bad, the overriding of comfortability
Worrying, because I want to feel you
I see people smiling, holding hands
And my heart breaks
I see people laughing, running into eachother’s arms
And every ounce of me that ever felt joy instantly disappears from sight, burying itself
All I want to do is hold you
But I feel you fading
All I want to do is wave a wand and crack it over ourselves and have the magic drip from it into our mouths and tell me that the distance is just an obstacle that can be kicked away
I just want to know if you’re still in it, this, us
Is this, us, are we what you want, need,
crave?
Sometimes you vanish far and I’m not sure whether you’re still there or if I’m just blind from all of the pain
And you see me like people have before, but things come easy and difficult at the same time
Light and dark meet and I just give you what i can, not what i need to, want to give you
My heart and maybe one day, if you want it, you can have it

Canvas Lashes

Song that I am listening to while writing the following poem: 

Let Me Go By KDrew, Rico & Miella

If only I could muster of the words to tell people exactly how I feel                                                                                                                                                                               As limited as my vocabulary is, my breath mutters more than any definition could scream                                                                                                                                       So the way my body moves is it’s own language undefined, unnoticed

Tear drops are the one thing I can rely on, just as pictures explain more than anything vocalized ever could                                                                                                       It’s taken me years to realize, appreciate such gestures as those subliminal images                                                                                                                                             Atleast for now, poetry radiates a bit of what can be seen if you allow your imagination to gather enough information from such things

For now, kisses are the one form of poetry I haven’t experienced enough                                                                                                                                                                 The way lips softly brush the canvas with light strokes and                                                                                                                                                                                       butterfly lashes fluttering quickly as fast as one blinks                                                                                                                                                                                           marking it’s territory by leaving trails of salty tear like substances

One day I’ll be able to find a new canvas to project such broad ideas onto                                                                                                                                                                 and jump back and look for a bird’s eye view as such an illusion may appear from afar

Body language to me is louder than the words flowing from peoples’ mouths.

This may sound creepy and or strange to most people, but I’ve actually met quite a few people who enjoy doing this as well. People watching is what I am referring to. Not necessarily staring as a way of being creepy, even if it appears to be by the people walking by.

I’ve been people watching for as long as I can remember. I’m not great with depicting which age I was at which part of my life, but I was younger.

It;s one of the things I do for passing the time. All I do is I could be at a mall, or at a park, sitting and listening to music and I just watch how people interact with one another, how they react to seeing other people looing at them, the way they run for a bus that is late, the way their eyes dart across the pages of a book, how fast their fingers move across their phone or tablet screens.

I don’t know why, but it’s my way of learning about people, the different types of people who are out there without exactly interacting with them. I’m socially awkward most of the time, and it’s just calming for me.

It helps me with picking apart the language of people’s bodies without them even speaking. Body language speaks louder to me than the actual act of using my ears to listen.

It’s actually not as creepy as it sounds. You’ll be surprised as to how many people do this, and it’s harmless in my eyes.

Walking alongside the demons

The song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Just What I am by Kid Cudi Featuring King Chip. You calmed me down when the demons were popping out Now they're slowly receiding, like my hairline may end up one day Confessing my sins to you as though you're a preacher But I know that I can trust you, walk with you To the shore, along the way I can open up Maybe, just maybe you'll be that person who will stick around Friend, yes, calming to say because I've had them, been there and done that Hit the friend scene and fleed it like a circus Crowds aren't my forte, but a lot of things aren't Trust is something I'll have to work on more Because I trust so easily that I don't, so trust me when I say I'm dying Inside in more ways than one, with feeling entrapped Aside from the fact that I've benched, sidelined these things I like to refer to as broken I can be there too, not just you baring the weight of intellectuality Sometimes I don't make sense, and I let my brain do the talking I say whatever's on my mind, filtered sometimes, but mostly not Like the water in the rivers, flowing without boundaries

 

Day 30 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

The song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Listen by Sent By Ravens

Write a haiku about being trans

I am confined inside

Not as a girl, or a boy

Just a bit of both

 

Day 29 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

Song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Hello Time Bomb by Matthew Good Band

Write out something positive about yourself using the letters of your name. Ex. Your name is Bob so B-Beautiful O-Outstanding B-Boy.

I have a few preferred names thta I go by, but I’ll use the name that I’ve been going by for a while.

Joker

Aware

Self-Expressor

Pleaser

Expressive

Revived

I had to look up some words because I had thought of more negative words than positive.