Caving Ends

I’ve killed off parts of myself to keep others from caving in, ending themselves 
Now I fill those dead ends with their’s to open back up
I walked to the bottom and risen higher than I needed to, fell back and flipped it all over and watched myself sprout 

Employed By Depression

I keep running away from almost every opportunity I get, especially with jobs.

But in reality, depression has become like a job to me over the past 10 or 11 years.

It’s consumed almost every ounce of me. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or not doing, it doesn’t matter if I’m with people or alone.

Every other day if not everyday is a constant struggle with having too much sleep or not sleeping enough, eating or not eating at all, feeling alone yet needing to isolate myself so that I don’t annoy people.

People tell me to find a hobby, to get up and do something, but even when I find a hobby.. or do something I feel I’m decent at, I either lose interest by finding another interest or I get bored or give up because it’s too difficult.

What seems to be my rock bottom, usually doesn’t feel like it’s enough to help me soar to the surface.

Yet despite all of these things, I’m still fighting even when I’m on my last straw.

I’m still fighting even when I feel as though I’m at my lowest point.

Someone once told me that it’s sometimes harder to let go than it is to hold on.

That may not be true for some people, but I feel as though it’s true for me personally because no natter how much I want to give into letting my body give up, no natter how many times I run away and create a new identity, no matter how many times I try to give up, for some reason, I snap out of it. I find something that motivates me without even searching for it and it’s enough until it isn’t enough again.

Sleeping Differences

Remember when we would lose so much sleep over talking witheachother that our time difference didn’t seem to make any difference at all?

Remember how we’d go to sleep saying good night baby and wake up asking how achieve had slept?

Remember how we had our special or names for each other and we were so obvious in chat rooms?

Remember how every time someone flirted with one another, how jealous we’d get and then talk through every argument?

Oh how much sleep I lose now, but no longer because we talk to each other unto the wee hours of the night.

Oh how we spend our nights no longer saying goodnight and our mornings without a sweet greeting.

Oh how our pet names are now just eachother’s usernames or actual names.

Oh how we are no longer eachother’s baby, so getting jealous isn’t our right anymore.

Oh how the times have changed.

– We still talk, by it’s small conversation and nothing really said anymore. Distance no longer matters because we’ve already finished. But oh how I still think of you from time to time.

Falling Salt

Split my bones with your breath and hold me close as I’m slowly breaking apart

Melt my skin by the touch of your salt tainted hands as my world enfolds

Tear into me where it hurts the most with your every word as I sit still and fall

Work through to the core of my soul as my tears leak unto your very presence

– Show me that there’s more than what’s behind your curtains. // B.L.

Body Ghost

I know this area, sort of and something about it, everything reminds me of those I’ve never foot step here with before

It’s as though they’re haunting me like a spirit with unfinished business, only these are still alive as far as I’m aware

Taunted by the very taunt itself of memories I’ve never shared with certain ghosts of my past inwhich I created myself

Version of my past self live here, born here to someone as a stranger to myself and yet my heart feels something dark sitting in the seat of my legs

Clocks Ahead.

We were three hours apart, or well we still are. But now it feels like four.

You once told me that I was from the future because of the time.

Now with just a slight change, it feels as though you’re further away than you were last night.

Our distance isn’t just measured on miles anymore, but the seconds between us.

– we changed the clocks last night and losing an hour of sleep makes me feel like you’ve fallen more behind and that makes me sad. // Lukas Owen.

Lost in your own galaxies.

You’re lost in the sheets of your own mind and I wish they were the ones on my bed

You’re so slowly disappearing among the galaxies in your body and I wish they were entangled with mine

You’re no where to be found, out of  physical eyes sight and I wish you’d allow yourself to get lost in my words

You’re so lovely and you have no idea how much I care about you and I wish that you could read this and come back

– I wrote this for you even though you wanted space and I know that we’re just friends, but even as a friend I feel like you’re not yourself anymore and it makes me miss you so much more.

Social Anxiety.

When I’m speaking my opinion with a friend.

Me: Sorry
Them: Why are you sorry?

When I’m barely talking in a group.

Them: Why aren’t you talking?
Me: Sorry. Everytime I speak up, I’m either being ignored or I cause an awkward silence.

When I’m at a restaurant with a friend and have a plate of food in front of me barely eaten.

Them: Why aren’t you eating? Makes me feel awkward for being the only one eating.
Me: Sorry. I get anxiety sometimes when I eat in public.

I apologize a lot because growing up, I felt invisible and I got ignored a lot up until highschool. I was afraid to eat in public, let alone even talk in a group of friends.

People tell me I apologize too much and that I shouldn’t. I apologize because I picture myself to be the teacher in charlie brown you mumbled in the background and felt like people thiught of me that way. That’s mainly why I don’t socialize often with my friends in person.

So when people tell me to ” get off the internet ” and to ” make ‘ real ‘ friends “, it’s not that easy for me. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. My friends online are very much real to me and a lot of them know more about me and have stuck by me more than most people in my outside of the internet life.

Coursing Palpitations

I’ve attempted to, even when I haven’t, to guilt trip you and                                                                                                   make you feel like you did me wrong, when really I let you go so soon                                                                                     and maybe I was just way too weak to stay, too weak to admit that I want you, mostly you

Although you’ve made it clear that the we that had transitioned                                                                                               to us has become no longer, I’m still trying to figure out if it was more than                                                                             just our seperate troubles, other factors besides the distance eating us

I sometimes wake up in a panic, struck over the heart, body hit                                                                                               with the storm that I had created for the both of us and                                                                                                             all I can seem to be able to do is wade it out with every few                                                                                                     fiber that is left circulating, coursing through my very body

Hurting, is what this may be, regret, guilt, not quite inlove-love, but                                                                                     love is still being felt up even after letting myself let you down and                                                                                           I can feel us slowly disappearing out of eachother’s lives and it’s killing me

There’s confortability in every storm

As similar you are different                 even distant you are near                      you are the million, also one
Everything and nothing at all

With you, confortability is as evident as there are other kinds among us and with you, lies configurability and solidarity, plans to escape and find eachother

You say, tell me you don’t deserve please allow me, let me reserve              a place for you, myself inside your       mountainous framed heart, pour           unto me your burdens that trouble          all that you are, instead of double

As often as I tell you, I care
As the night falls, I grow tired                 of remembering that I let you go, retired before I even realized, knew, shots fired
but I still want to calm your storm