I Dreamt

I dreamt the truth
Last night, you were someone
I recognized but didn’t know

I woke up crushed
Under the loud noise
That was my heart
Healing itself back together

I stayed alert for a while
In the feeling, with the moment
And I am quickly losing
Most hope for something
That was dead before you walked

I lost most sight of the moon
And only looked for the sun
So I’m regaining focus
On the things that hurt
And redirecting my pain into
Something more loving towards myself

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Irony Destroys

​Oh the irony of trying to balance on a metal beam attempting to cross the bridges you once partially destroyed
No thanks to you, I’m fumbling again

And thanks to you, I’m finding myself again

And thanks again, I’m figuring out how to pick up back where I was before you
I was told once that, people have lived a life time before they met a certain person and that they can learn to do it again without them

And here I am, with a little care, moving upwards and onwards, with or without you

Deleting and making a new blog.

To my followers and anyone who comes across this.

I have had this blog for I believe 4 or 5 years now and when I first made it, I used my legal first name as my url and I want to get away from that.

I’d hate to lose my followers, but I want to make a new blog and move all of my writing over to it.

I will make another post with my new blog url when I make one.

Thank you to all of you who have stuck with me since the beginning and thank you to all of my new readers.

 

Devil’s Spree

​I thought you were gone

But every once in a while

Im scratching at you like

An addict with a patch of bugs

Crawling around with no 

Exit but the mouth
If im lucky, ill stop and I’ll realize

That I was just picking

At old words you embedded into my head

With filthy meaning and blood shot heart ache
You don’t hurt me anymore

As have I stopped looking for you

In shadows that turned out to be just

The devil’s kisses

I do wonder where you are

And if you’ve stopped

Killing parts of people to keep yourself alive
But I have myself to thank for

Putting up with what I’ve done

Because I got back up

With a little help from the ground

It gave me some good leverage
I bargained with the sky to give me a sign

Traded my eyes for the stars

So it could align for me

Moving feelings.

I want everything to do with you
I do nothing with people
But I would for you
Anything

I’m not a time machine that goes back
Warps you back, whips you forth
But I can help you move forward
If you wanted

I love you and I used to throw that around
And I don’t know how to share my love for you
With someone else
And I don’t want to hold back from loving someone else

No one is you, even similar they could be
But my heart may not beat for the.
The same settle way it breathes for you
My lungs inflate
Not swell with panic

With you I am strong, them I fall weak
I want you and what you have and don’t have to offer
Because at the end of the day
I care about you enough to move on
But it isn’t easy

Moving Feelings. // B.T.

Sometimes I dread family gatherings even though they usually end up alright.

It isn’t because I don’t enjoy them, I just know that the people I’m sometimes surrounded by are people who don’t always accept and support my transition. I haven’t started transitioning yet but I plan to do so.

Today though, this family gathering was one of the best gatherings I’ve had in a very long time. The reason being that my younger brother, growing up we fought non-stop and we literally could not breathe the same air without some sort of fight happening and he never supported me being transgender, actually… ACTUALLY called me by my preferred name without it seeming forced. Sometimes he’d call me by my legal name afterwards but would laugh jokingly. It was a really nice feeling. He got a new phone and asked how to spell my name and what my email was. No other questions were asked. He actually has come around whether he supports me or not, he’s been making an effort.

It kind of givs me a little more hope regarding my entire family. That helped me so much already.

I’ve been feeling on and off shitty and lately just spending time with my family and my friends has made me feel less alone.

Usually I just sit with my thoughts and yesterday I stepped out of the house for the first time in literally 3 days. I’d wake up every few hours and then sleep consistantly for another 3 or 4 hours. I’d then stay in my room all day.

I had weird side effects from my medication and even now, I keep thinking about the things I’ve done, ways I’ve treated people, especially those who didn’t even do me any harm to begin with. I can’t go back, hell knows I would if I could. But I can’t.

Things usually turn out to be okay, I always turn out okay. It was enough for a while, but now it’s more than enough right now. I’d rather be okay than where I was exactly a week ago tonight.

I haven’t made much progress as far as relationships and friendships go, but the motivation is slowly creeping back up a few levels instead of constantly spiraling downwards.

I’ve been having trouble writing poetry lately, but I’m finally able to write these words tonight.

Tonight, I am okay. Tonight, I can feel and I’m okay with that. Tonight, I’m a bit sad, but I. Am. OKAY..