You’re right here, yet I’m missing you.

We went up in flames too fast
Burnt bright too hard
Our hearts couldn’t keep up
Fading in, our voices
Throwing out, our touches
So distant
Running out of words to say
Warmth turned to cold
As our bones brush against one another’s, our bodies entwined as one
We look up at each other and wonder where the fuel walked off to
And so here we are, thinking whether we should fight the fire
Or dampen it with our cries
I, laying alone, missing you feels so lonely, yet you’re still here.

– You’re still here, yet my heart longs for you.

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Stuck in the middle somewhere.

I have no idea what I’m going to do. I used to believe that I was someone and whenever things started to close in around me, things ended up looking up.

Now here I am, 25 years old, the year is a few months shy of ending and I’ve barely even made an income this year.

I graduated from Highschool and College with a Diploma, which I was the first among my siblings to graduate from College, which meant and means something to me. But was I just doing what I was ” supposed ” to do as a human being? 

Sometimes I think that I wasted my money because I’m no longer working in the field I studied in, but I was and did and I’m not sure if it’s what I really wanted to do.

I wanted to drop out so badly near the end of it, I pushed through the two years. I had met a few people during those two years who opened my eyes to new experiences and supported me in many ways.

Those people are rarely in my life now. I’ve managed to push them away. I was dating someone while studying and now I’m just sitting here basking in loneliness and depression and I keep getting a few job offers here and there, mostly temp work and I keep turning them down.

I know that things will get better if I keep believing that I can be someone again, I know that I used to be going somewhere.

I’ll get there, some how, some way, even if I end up doing things on my own.

 

Bloody Cocktail

Letting this feeling set in
As it trickles down throughout
Your very body
Conquering every inch
Smothering every
Nook
That ever existed
In what you call
A soul
Liquid filling your lungs
Slowly destroying
Your heart like
A river breaking a dam
Allowing it to swallow
Every insecurity
You’ve ever had
If you’ve had any at all
In your life
Making you feel like
Your existence doesn’t even
Exist
They call this alcohol
But I view it as a bloody
Cocktail
Working it’s way
Into your system
Your brain
Convincing you that you can’t
Survive without it
Sober rarely
Whether on alcohol or
Not
Sober not really
Dependant on the feeling
Of being numb
You want to be numb
But at the same time you don’t
Making up love songs
That make no sense
Because you have no tune
And your guitar makes you
Look talented
Cool, but you pretend anyways
Because it takes away
And distracts others from
Seeing who you really are
Because really, you’re
More hurt than you lead on
You want to be alone
But being alone secretly kills you
So you suck up and take any attention you can get
You use and manipulate to get what you want because it makes you feel temporarily complete
But then you’re left feeling worse