Hovering, but without noise.

Tw: Suicide Idealization Mention.

Tw: Depression Mention.

Ps. I’m just venting into the void. I don’t want advice. I don’t even want to talk about this to people individually. Please don’t comment asking if I’m okay or if I want to talk.

How do I tell my parents I want to die? I don’t want them to think they couldn’t do anything to help me, because sometimes no one can.

I’m tired of distracting myself and although I know I’ll make it out alive when I’m in a bad place, that doesn’t always make things easier.

How do I stop the hovering of this dark place? I don’t always notice it, for all I know, maybe it isn’t hovering in the background. But it’s like a noise without a sound. I notice it sometimes, but I don’t always see it.

I’m in group therapy, I distract myself, I want to work and I’ll put in effort to finding a job and then back out. I’ve worked before when I’ve been in a worse place than this, but this still feels bad.

Am I sad? I don’t know. But my body is sad, it’s heavy, it’s disappointed in me and I know one day I’ll give in. The difference between counting down to the age of thirty and wanting to die and now, is that I’ve been alive a lot longer than I thought I’d be and I wanted to die for so long and now I don’t know what to do.

I didn’t always want to die. I still don’t always want to. But I’m tired of fighting these moments. I just want them to be easier.

I have tips and skills to ground myself, to distract myself, to make myself a little bit happier, but one day I won’t care to use them anymore.

But the funny thing is, is that even though I’m not always mentally stable, I’m more stable than I’ve been in a while. Instability has become my version of stability.

Useless Pasttense

I have had my heart broken the way you told me you hoped it would.

I have done things that I can’t take back and this time around I’m actually making an effort, just not towards you.

I cut you out of my life for a reason, or well many reasons.

I still think of you from time to time, but that’s all it is. Nothing more but a flash of a memory or four.

I no longer look for you in people I have never met, hear your laugher in someone’s voice. But sometimes when I see a vehical similar to your’s an ounce of care strikes my heart and then I realize that we never will be friends and maybe I’m actually okay with that.

You told me that people don’t change and that feelings do, or maybe the other way around. You’ve changed all the way through and you’re a complete stranger to me now.

We had good times and I’m not writing this so that if you read this and wonder “oh great he’s writing about me again.. maybe he’s not over me.”

I’m writing this because I don’t want you to come into my life ever again with the notion of wanting to be any type of civil. You only called me dramatic whenever I gave you an answer you didn’t want to hear, but when you gave me an answer I didn’t want to hear and I reacted similar to how you reacted towards me, I was just called dramatic and immature.

Sure maybe a small ounce of me wishes that things were different and that we could be civil and maybe even push it to casual friend, but I see the way you treated me as a friend and it was different than you treated any of your friends and well I’d rather be an enemy than be treated the way you treated me after we no longer were in eachother’s lives.

We had a good running once. once. Once……

I treated you like shit and you stuck around. I have alot in my head to work with and maybe I could have treated you better, but I didn’t and i have to live with how I treated people in the past and move forward.

Sure sometimes when I see something that reminds me of you, I get sad.. not all the time and not the heart-shattering type of sad, just the we-would-have-been-friends type of sad.

I’ve cut out many people in my life, including my birth family except for one family member and other people who I don’t see affecting my life in a decent way and you happened to be one of them.

I don’t need to be reminded of the things I’ve done and said. I don’t need to be judged by those who have altered my life in such a way as to just forget me and then come back and think they run me.

I’m not your’s, I basically only was for a few months and somewhere along the line, you had lost me and I didn’t know what it was, why I had drifted so far apart. Things happen for a reason, reasons that sometimes don’t appear until you no longer have those people in your life.

I’m glad that I’m now in therapy and I still make some of the mistakes I’ve mad ein my past, but I’m only human and I’m trying and I don’t care whether you’re in my life to whitness it or not. In my opinion, some people aren’t mean to see someone else change, especially if they’re still tainted by how you were before and don’t want to believe that you’ve made an effort to be someone else.

I’m my own person. My own messed up version of myself and maybe I’m trying to allow myself to be enough for me, not for anyone else.

Day 22 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

Song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Snowblind Featuring Tasha Baxter by Au5

Do you feel being trans holds you back from your career choice?

As of current, I don’t really know what my career choice would be. Growing up, I could see myself working with children, how? I’m not sure. So on that note, I had went to College to become an Early Childhood Educator and I didn’t really know if that was what I saw in my head as to what I wanted to do.

When I worked with children, near the end of my time working at the last childcare centre I had worked at, I was starting to question my gender again. I had already been known to the children my Miss (even though some kids said Mrs because I used to do that as well growing up out of habit – Insert my last name here -. I had already been known as ” she ” and other female pronouns. I didn’t know how to ask if I could start being called Jasper by my bosses and co-workers and Mr. – Insert my last name here -.

As of right now, it is something that I worry about having to bring up in future jobs and employment in general because for one, I haven’t legally changed my name or gender marker and my voice is still feminineish.

It only holds me back a little bit, sometimes I just play off being female still and deal with it. 

Transitioning and pronouns.

I’m all over the place with identifying as one thing, then another thing. It not only confuses others, but myself.

One minute I identify as androgynous, the next transgender the next a queer transguy. I’ve gotten rude comments thrown at me either on Tumblr anonymously or even people who used to be my friends.

It’s not that I’m throwing different tags on my posts on various social networks just because I can, I’m not even ” throwing ” them, I’m using them because my gender and sexuality changes almost on a daily and it gets annoying when people just assume that I’m using said labels just because I can and to ” put a bad name behind gender ” as I’ve been told.

If anything, all in all, regardless if I further my transition by taking testosterone or not, first and foremost, I want to legally change my name and gender and get top surgery.

I am my own person and people’s words do not define me. I’m not apologizing for being on and off, back and forth with my identity. I don’t do that to piss anyone off.

 

The swallowing darkness no longer concaves the soul

The light of the sun beats down, but the heat radiates elsewhere

The trees are swaying, although the wind ceases to exist

Visions arise concerning the whereabouts of the night

Even the dark is jealous of the rays because it’s radiating positivity

The black tries to instill negativity within it’s surroundings

Attempting to swallow everything in site, in reach

Sometimes it wins, most of the time it wins, it really does

And when it does, it drains everything out of that being, laughing

Smiling with a mouth full of charred teeth

Looking at you with soulless eyes, watching you struggle

Because it knows that it’s easier to give in, rather than to fight

Against it’s very wrath

“I’m okay” they say, “I need help” they say, “But it’s way too hard to get back up” they said

Crying, oceans of salted waters, liquids pouring out like a steady but rough

riverbed, flowing down and around, over and above until there’s nothing left

Except for drowning breaths, shallow heartbeats 

Barely alive emotionally, starting to work on the physical aspects

The light, remember the light? Yes, the light is still there

It still exists and it’s staring it right in the face

Jumping in and rescueing the damaged and preventing damages

Showing it’s power by knocking down everything that has ever scared, broke or even killed

Another being, whether it be human or non-human

The showdown is almost done, but with one fight left

A person getting in between the two most powerful existances

They don’t use words, but show proof

That both sides have been a constant win-lose battle

Lifting up their head, their skin a grey pigment, eyes stained with pain

Glossed over with the reflection of the day

Arms covered in what looks like scars

Barely visible, but still noticeable

Words come crashing down from their mouth, out from under the veil

They confess that they have been letting one of the sides win

Drag them down, into a far abyss

so open and wide, they climbed in

But today they stand in front of their fear, facing it like it had never took a 

Toll on their soul

Heart racing, it beats so hard and it shows

The night stands still and allows the person to continue

It slowly starts to back off as their thoughts begin to take shape

Resembling something fierce

Getting down on their knees, the tears are starting

Trickling, exhausting every inch of their body

A smile appears, which remains for a few minutes

“I’m winning” they said, “The light helps, it’s positive energy is there” they said.

Only the light and the person remain.