So I made my new account.

I need to update my information and profile picture on it, but the URL is:

http://oceanaicbraeyne.wordpress.com

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I’m actually in a good mood and I want to document this moment because it’s rare that I actually write about my feelings instead of how I think I’m feeling.

I feel warm and soft and sweet. I actually care and it’s taken me years to realize that I’m not the thoughts that come rushing at me in the middle of the night.

I’m not the invasive panic attacks that hit me when I’m out in public doing literally nothing but walking around or sitting down.

I am this person who has allowed their thoughts to win against their heart.

I am this person who is very good, but prefers to self project their insecurities on to people and attempt to push them awya before they can run off by themselves.

I’ve placed so much dwelling and hatred on my past that I literally have been living in it. Some days now, I’m out of it walking around with a new head and a fresh start.

I’ve come quite far, but I still have things to do, things to work on and places to be.

No one can go back into the past, you can only move forward even if it hurts to move forward. I’ve held back so much that I’m getting to the point where even if I don’t want to let certain thigns go, I need to.

I’e bene holding onto the person iw as because it’s who I’ve been living as for my entire life almost. I’m not that person as a whole, just parts. I am someone else and that is okay.

 

 

I am not you, nor myself.

One day I identify as Transgender, the next I’m fluid. I’ve come to the realization that I may not always identify as one gender, both genders or even a gender and that it’s not anyone else’s business as to why I go by different pronouns so very often.

I used to believe that I had to experience dysphoria just to be considered transgender or even believe I was born in the wrong body. Everyone has their own struggles, everyone is different and not everyone may feel the same way as another transgender person does. I don’t believe that I was born in the wrong body. However, I just believe that I need to alter the body my soul has been entrapped into.

If I tell someone that today I’m male and tomorrow, I go by neutral pronouns or even female pronouns, that doesn’t mean I’m being fake or that I’m doing it for attention. Labels are what make me confused and without them maybe I’d feel a lot more comfortable with who I am.

I myself, am too fluid in every sense of the word to label myself all the time as a certain gender. Sometimes I’m comfortable with it, sometimes I’m not. That doesn’t mean that I deserve less respect just because someone doesn’t accept me or are confused.

I am just simply trying to live in this world and it’s already hard enough.

I am me, myself and I. I am everything and nothing. I am the grey before, the disaster during and the aftermath of every storm.

The boy who is choosing to go on a Journey to better himself.

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I keep complaining about having to find a gender therapist. I know that I should have gotten help years ago.. But sometimes it takes people longer than others to even get up and get moving on something.

One thing for sure, is that I’ve made some emotional changes. Very little, but a few.. 

So I went on a trip to Seattle, Washington this past summer and before I went there, I wasn’t all that open about my gender identity and I was afraid to even use the men’s washroom, let alone correct someone on the wrong use of pronouns.

I met someone and they changed me, not entirely, as someone can’t really change someone 100%, but they helped me with that. We no longer talk and I miss that person, but I’m glad that I had met them when I did. I couldn’t thank them enough,

Now most of my friends are calling me by my preferred name, which is Jasper. I don’t cringe when people misname me, but I wish it came natural, you know?

Besides being called Jasper, which helps me feel alot more comfortable with who I am, it’s an often occurance where I have worry whether I “pass” or not. I put quotations because it’s ridiculous that one has to pass in order to be recognized as something that some people can see right through. If that even makes any sense whatsoever.

Back to Seattle for one minute, when I went there, I was introduced to the men’s washroom again. Now beforehand, I had only stepped foot inside a men’s washroom maybe a handful of times, if that. But once I got there it was like my whole comfort level went frm 1 being close to being super uncomfortable straight to around 6 or 7, being more comfortable than I had ever felt.

So once I had had helped with that, I had to figure out how to actually go in there without worrying. I try to avoid eye contact with the other men in the washroom, or I atleast just hurry as fast as I can. I even wait inline for the stall now. I wouldn’t dare ait before. I used to be scared.

I just wish I could have been born male and not have to go on testosterone, change my name, or get surgery. All I know is that I want to get top surgery done while I’m waiting for a gender therapist.

I’ve been looking and have contacted one or two psychologists/therapists so far.

I have now seen my Social Worker twice and have been recommended to go to an LGBTQ group, which offers both group and individual counselling. 

I am going to call them this week.

I’m proud of myself a little bit.