Disconnected Therapy

​can’t find you amongst the lost wires

And I’m frightened that the worst

Has occured
I can’t get ahold of you and you

May just be cut off from everything

Like I am with reality sometimes
I need you to reach out to me

So I know, you being one of the few

Who I hold no filter with, still 

Want to help me move on from who I was

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Therapeutic Balances

On Friday October 17th, I had a consultation with a new therapist because recently I’ve decided that I need help with my mental health in general because I’ve put it off for many years and I just keep thinking that quick fixes get me places.

Quick fixes in my experience, really are just quick. They aren’t fixes, but that term just seems to follow the work “quick” sometimes.

Whether it be alcohol, antidepressants or even both of those mixed together. Longboarding, writing, singing, taking walks only soothes the soul so much when you’re burying the things that need to be worked on, pushed through.

For me, I’ve been struggling with dysphoria, with staying at jobs even through the hard times and just other things that have seem to have grown.

At first, I wasn’t sure how my appointment was going to go, because I get really nervous with Psychiatrists and Therapists, professionals in a whole. I got there early, which I wasn’t sure was going to happen seeing as I had to take two transit busses and then a subway to get there and so I waited for a bit.

While I was in the appointment, I felt so free… I’m used to telling complete strangers almost my entire life in stories and poems and whatever, but with therapists, it’s a hit and miss type situation for me. I either hide many details of my life, or I spill almost way too much. This time, I spilt enough information to help me feel great about it.

One minute I want therapy, the next I don’t, but this time I have a great feeling that I’m going to finally allow myself to get the help that I need. I realize that I may never end up being okay without therapy, but I’ll never know unless I try.

Verbal Mentality

You heard that I had tried                                                                                                                                                                                            to do myself in                                                                                                                                                                             go under the waves                                                                                                                                                                     allow them to swallow me as a whole

So you waited until the perfect time                                                                                                                                             told me of your past relationship with the devil himself                                                                                                             insisting that every step society has thought of to help recover one’s passion                                                                         for life is not tailored for each and every individual

Advice is what you sought out to give me                                                                                                                                  although you gave me your experience                                                                                                                                      that is one thing you can’t take away from someone

Continuing the conversation between drifted off day dreaming you mentioned                                                                     that if I go to see a professional                                                                                                                                        whether they be a psychiatrist or therapist and I become agitated                                                                                           at said person that they aren’t there to be my friend or to even                                                                                        purposely hurt me                                                                                                                                                                      that the reason I may have become agitated may                                                                                                                    be because those words were the truth and the truth kills

So on I went listening                                                                                                                                                            Sitting there                                                                                                                                                                        Actually paying attention to the words being verbally spewed                                                                                                then I hear the next sentence

You have to ask yourself, he said ” Do I really want to get better? ”                                                                                     Then you said that you were leaving that day to go somewhere                                                                                     suggested that I promise to give him an answer                                                                                                                        if I want him to help me or to continue                                                                                                                                  living in the darkened shadows that have become my life

I noticed you looking at me                                                                                                                                                          but as with anyone else                                                                                                                                                               I was too shy to look you in the eyes regardless what he said next                                                                                                                                                                                            I had no idea would ever exist to my ears once again until he worded them                                                                               ” Look at me, you’re a good person, you hate hearing that don’t you? Because you don’t believe that you’re a good person, but you are. ”

Thinking as it always comes naturally to me, set in and I had started putting in more effort with getting mental help after he had left and come back than I had in ages, maybe even years but it didn’t last long and here I am back to square one, starting to get therapy again

Day 27 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

The Song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Mean What You Say by Sent By Ravens

What goals do you have?

Goals:

1. Therapy.

I am currently unemployed and have been for the past short while and I want to start finding a therapist that I will want to stick with and battle some demons that I’ve been struggling with throughout the years.

2. Job.

I have recently signed up with a company to help people with learning disabilities find and keep employment. I feel as though I can benefit from this program and I actually really want to work right now, whether it be part-time or full-time.

3. Move out.

I have never moved out of my parents house. I’ve lived in the same house my entire life and the only time I’ve lived anywhere else was on and off in past relationships, but it was more so just visiting. I want to save enough money to move out.

4. Gender.

I  have been using this time to figure out what I want to do transitioning wise. I really don’t know what I want to do anymore, but I’ve been taking Zinc and Magnesium to help boost my Testosterone levels.

Therapy

I’m trying to go to therapy again, not because people are telling me to go, but because I’m running out of options.

Writing poetry and longboarding only soothes my demons for so long.

Years and years of ignoring them, allowing them to eat away at me.

Here I am, attempting to follow through again, although im afraid that doctors are going to eventually give up on me.

I’m sitting here in the waiting room, nervous as though I’m going to receive bad news.

After the appointment:

15 to 20 minutes later, I barely had time to talk about the issues that are behind my depression.

The medical or whatever student, asked me so many questions and I answered them.

So unuseful.

You need help

I know that I need help
They’ve told me too many
Times on and off
You’re okay
Wait you need help
She won’t stick around you know
Because of your demons
But that’s okay I replied
Back to the devil
We create these visions
These situations
They don’t exist until they
Become what you’ve made them
Out to be
Your challenge