Galaxy Black

You liked me because I wasn’t just showing black

Instead, I showed a ray of different galaxies

You needed me until the light drained from my flesh and my bones brittle

Now I’m here trying to stumble my way through a web of self hatred and weak moments

I’m here watering my own mind and attempting to grow out of my old shell

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Chaotic Technicality

Music I listened to while typing this poem out:

Without You – Oh Wonder

I didn’t want to push, rush the chaos                                                                     Oh good old chaos, destruction                                                                           reconstruction of this mind digging torture

You know, no one can drill in                                                                                 deep where there is only surface now                                                                       so get chipping away

Use your best tools and your latest techniques                                                 mine are so old and as concrete                                                                                     I don’t worship things anymore                                                                               but I like the idea that I’m already                                                                           creating a home for myself

After I leave this dreaded head space                                                                           I walk around so weak and I used to                                                                     appear quiet because I didn’t want                                                                     people to know about me

Now I trudge around dragging my demons                                                       along my skin for people to see but                                                                             I don’t bother with quick answers

Conversations, I love those. Intellectual                                                             spill your cries and what makes you cringe.

I live for what’s holding people back so                                                                     I can compare my pain I need out,                                                                             so maybe stop digging now and                                                                               just throw yourself ontop of me                                                                             while my body sleeps and                                                                                         soul drifts towards the bottom

Honest Throats

Coffee stained regrets and cigarette infused thoughts                               Overwhelmed by the gut wrenching permanency                                       brought in with every inhale

Empty throats and trembling hearts intoxicated                                             with growing dependencies on new interruptions

Rising tension and dissipating sources                                                     Exhausting ever crevice and corners                                                                       that the mind has in store

Dreaming of old settlements and sleepless filled drunkenness                 Fighting with promises made under false pretensions                                     and honest remarks spewed through timeless efforts

 

Graved Truths

I’d be lying
If I didn’t try
To tell you the truth
About wanting to lay down
Inside and stew
In my own grave

I’d be lying
If I spilt but didn’t cry
Whenever I needed to escape
This headspace cave
Built from nothing

Shore Destruction

I’ve fallen in love with the shores because it’s waves remind me of the thoughts that come and go, invading everything that I am and believe in.

The weather can be so settle, but that doesn’t mean the tides won’t come and demolish everything you’ve built.

I’m actually in a good mood and I want to document this moment because it’s rare that I actually write about my feelings instead of how I think I’m feeling.

I feel warm and soft and sweet. I actually care and it’s taken me years to realize that I’m not the thoughts that come rushing at me in the middle of the night.

I’m not the invasive panic attacks that hit me when I’m out in public doing literally nothing but walking around or sitting down.

I am this person who has allowed their thoughts to win against their heart.

I am this person who is very good, but prefers to self project their insecurities on to people and attempt to push them awya before they can run off by themselves.

I’ve placed so much dwelling and hatred on my past that I literally have been living in it. Some days now, I’m out of it walking around with a new head and a fresh start.

I’ve come quite far, but I still have things to do, things to work on and places to be.

No one can go back into the past, you can only move forward even if it hurts to move forward. I’ve held back so much that I’m getting to the point where even if I don’t want to let certain thigns go, I need to.

I’e bene holding onto the person iw as because it’s who I’ve been living as for my entire life almost. I’m not that person as a whole, just parts. I am someone else and that is okay.

 

 

Regardless, I care.

I care about you                                                                                                                                                                               I won’t make you feel bad                                                                                                                                                               if you don’t feel the same

I want you in my life                                                                                                                                                                         I won’t make you feel bad                                                                                                                                                               if you don’t feel the same

I feel comfortable with you                                                                                                                                                               I won’t guilt trip you                                                                                                                                                               regardless of how you feel