Body Ghost

I know this area, sort of and something about it, everything reminds me of those I’ve never foot step here with before

It’s as though they’re haunting me like a spirit with unfinished business, only these are still alive as far as I’m aware

Taunted by the very taunt itself of memories I’ve never shared with certain ghosts of my past inwhich I created myself

Version of my past self live here, born here to someone as a stranger to myself and yet my heart feels something dark sitting in the seat of my legs

Advertisements

Social Anxiety.

When I’m speaking my opinion with a friend.

Me: Sorry
Them: Why are you sorry?

When I’m barely talking in a group.

Them: Why aren’t you talking?
Me: Sorry. Everytime I speak up, I’m either being ignored or I cause an awkward silence.

When I’m at a restaurant with a friend and have a plate of food in front of me barely eaten.

Them: Why aren’t you eating? Makes me feel awkward for being the only one eating.
Me: Sorry. I get anxiety sometimes when I eat in public.

I apologize a lot because growing up, I felt invisible and I got ignored a lot up until highschool. I was afraid to eat in public, let alone even talk in a group of friends.

People tell me I apologize too much and that I shouldn’t. I apologize because I picture myself to be the teacher in charlie brown you mumbled in the background and felt like people thiught of me that way. That’s mainly why I don’t socialize often with my friends in person.

So when people tell me to ” get off the internet ” and to ” make ‘ real ‘ friends “, it’s not that easy for me. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. My friends online are very much real to me and a lot of them know more about me and have stuck by me more than most people in my outside of the internet life.

Coursing Palpitations

I’ve attempted to, even when I haven’t, to guilt trip you and                                                                                                   make you feel like you did me wrong, when really I let you go so soon                                                                                     and maybe I was just way too weak to stay, too weak to admit that I want you, mostly you

Although you’ve made it clear that the we that had transitioned                                                                                               to us has become no longer, I’m still trying to figure out if it was more than                                                                             just our seperate troubles, other factors besides the distance eating us

I sometimes wake up in a panic, struck over the heart, body hit                                                                                               with the storm that I had created for the both of us and                                                                                                             all I can seem to be able to do is wade it out with every few                                                                                                     fiber that is left circulating, coursing through my very body

Hurting, is what this may be, regret, guilt, not quite inlove-love, but                                                                                     love is still being felt up even after letting myself let you down and                                                                                           I can feel us slowly disappearing out of eachother’s lives and it’s killing me

There’s confortability in every storm

As similar you are different                 even distant you are near                      you are the million, also one
Everything and nothing at all

With you, confortability is as evident as there are other kinds among us and with you, lies configurability and solidarity, plans to escape and find eachother

You say, tell me you don’t deserve please allow me, let me reserve              a place for you, myself inside your       mountainous framed heart, pour           unto me your burdens that trouble          all that you are, instead of double

As often as I tell you, I care
As the night falls, I grow tired                 of remembering that I let you go, retired before I even realized, knew, shots fired
but I still want to calm your storm

Distancing Trudges

Leaving me, left me so I thought                                                                                                                                                   running, I did, ran so far  somehow your trudging footsteps caught up to mine                                                                             and I thought to look back

Trembling, fumbling, tripping started dining                                                                                                                                   with the soul that I didn’t                                                                                                                                                               think I’d ever come across

Realizing, figuring out what it was that made you drift                                                                                                             departure from everything, distancing  yourself                                                                                                                             from anything I ever offered you                                                                                                                                                 just because I did the same to you

Useless Pasttense

I have had my heart broken the way you told me you hoped it would.

I have done things that I can’t take back and this time around I’m actually making an effort, just not towards you.

I cut you out of my life for a reason, or well many reasons.

I still think of you from time to time, but that’s all it is. Nothing more but a flash of a memory or four.

I no longer look for you in people I have never met, hear your laugher in someone’s voice. But sometimes when I see a vehical similar to your’s an ounce of care strikes my heart and then I realize that we never will be friends and maybe I’m actually okay with that.

You told me that people don’t change and that feelings do, or maybe the other way around. You’ve changed all the way through and you’re a complete stranger to me now.

We had good times and I’m not writing this so that if you read this and wonder “oh great he’s writing about me again.. maybe he’s not over me.”

I’m writing this because I don’t want you to come into my life ever again with the notion of wanting to be any type of civil. You only called me dramatic whenever I gave you an answer you didn’t want to hear, but when you gave me an answer I didn’t want to hear and I reacted similar to how you reacted towards me, I was just called dramatic and immature.

Sure maybe a small ounce of me wishes that things were different and that we could be civil and maybe even push it to casual friend, but I see the way you treated me as a friend and it was different than you treated any of your friends and well I’d rather be an enemy than be treated the way you treated me after we no longer were in eachother’s lives.

We had a good running once. once. Once……

I treated you like shit and you stuck around. I have alot in my head to work with and maybe I could have treated you better, but I didn’t and i have to live with how I treated people in the past and move forward.

Sure sometimes when I see something that reminds me of you, I get sad.. not all the time and not the heart-shattering type of sad, just the we-would-have-been-friends type of sad.

I’ve cut out many people in my life, including my birth family except for one family member and other people who I don’t see affecting my life in a decent way and you happened to be one of them.

I don’t need to be reminded of the things I’ve done and said. I don’t need to be judged by those who have altered my life in such a way as to just forget me and then come back and think they run me.

I’m not your’s, I basically only was for a few months and somewhere along the line, you had lost me and I didn’t know what it was, why I had drifted so far apart. Things happen for a reason, reasons that sometimes don’t appear until you no longer have those people in your life.

I’m glad that I’m now in therapy and I still make some of the mistakes I’ve mad ein my past, but I’m only human and I’m trying and I don’t care whether you’re in my life to whitness it or not. In my opinion, some people aren’t mean to see someone else change, especially if they’re still tainted by how you were before and don’t want to believe that you’ve made an effort to be someone else.

I’m my own person. My own messed up version of myself and maybe I’m trying to allow myself to be enough for me, not for anyone else.

Darkening Depths

Here it is, I can sense it
This, feel something
Creeping, wiping
Everything that ever felt right, good
Vanishing, clambering
All I’ve ever felt about anything, everything
Crawling, scratching
At all I am, might be
Dark, tight around my vocal chords
Eating, swallowing the words I need to define, describe this
Closing around, drowning me
We are falling apart and all I want to do is find the exact moment, figure it out
The time, incident in which we started to drift apart
But what confuses me, conflicts my thoughts
Are the times we share that come to interfere, interject
Consume me and help me feel like i can believe we’ll be okay
And those are the feelings that make me stay
The good, the bad, the overriding of comfortability
Worrying, because I want to feel you
I see people smiling, holding hands
And my heart breaks
I see people laughing, running into eachother’s arms
And every ounce of me that ever felt joy instantly disappears from sight, burying itself
All I want to do is hold you
But I feel you fading
All I want to do is wave a wand and crack it over ourselves and have the magic drip from it into our mouths and tell me that the distance is just an obstacle that can be kicked away
I just want to know if you’re still in it, this, us
Is this, us, are we what you want, need,
crave?
Sometimes you vanish far and I’m not sure whether you’re still there or if I’m just blind from all of the pain
And you see me like people have before, but things come easy and difficult at the same time
Light and dark meet and I just give you what i can, not what i need to, want to give you
My heart and maybe one day, if you want it, you can have it