Useless Pasttense

I have had my heart broken the way you told me you hoped it would.

I have done things that I can’t take back and this time around I’m actually making an effort, just not towards you.

I cut you out of my life for a reason, or well many reasons.

I still think of you from time to time, but that’s all it is. Nothing more but a flash of a memory or four.

I no longer look for you in people I have never met, hear your laugher in someone’s voice. But sometimes when I see a vehical similar to your’s an ounce of care strikes my heart and then I realize that we never will be friends and maybe I’m actually okay with that.

You told me that people don’t change and that feelings do, or maybe the other way around. You’ve changed all the way through and you’re a complete stranger to me now.

We had good times and I’m not writing this so that if you read this and wonder “oh great he’s writing about me again.. maybe he’s not over me.”

I’m writing this because I don’t want you to come into my life ever again with the notion of wanting to be any type of civil. You only called me dramatic whenever I gave you an answer you didn’t want to hear, but when you gave me an answer I didn’t want to hear and I reacted similar to how you reacted towards me, I was just called dramatic and immature.

Sure maybe a small ounce of me wishes that things were different and that we could be civil and maybe even push it to casual friend, but I see the way you treated me as a friend and it was different than you treated any of your friends and well I’d rather be an enemy than be treated the way you treated me after we no longer were in eachother’s lives.

We had a good running once. once. Once……

I treated you like shit and you stuck around. I have alot in my head to work with and maybe I could have treated you better, but I didn’t and i have to live with how I treated people in the past and move forward.

Sure sometimes when I see something that reminds me of you, I get sad.. not all the time and not the heart-shattering type of sad, just the we-would-have-been-friends type of sad.

I’ve cut out many people in my life, including my birth family except for one family member and other people who I don’t see affecting my life in a decent way and you happened to be one of them.

I don’t need to be reminded of the things I’ve done and said. I don’t need to be judged by those who have altered my life in such a way as to just forget me and then come back and think they run me.

I’m not your’s, I basically only was for a few months and somewhere along the line, you had lost me and I didn’t know what it was, why I had drifted so far apart. Things happen for a reason, reasons that sometimes don’t appear until you no longer have those people in your life.

I’m glad that I’m now in therapy and I still make some of the mistakes I’ve mad ein my past, but I’m only human and I’m trying and I don’t care whether you’re in my life to whitness it or not. In my opinion, some people aren’t mean to see someone else change, especially if they’re still tainted by how you were before and don’t want to believe that you’ve made an effort to be someone else.

I’m my own person. My own messed up version of myself and maybe I’m trying to allow myself to be enough for me, not for anyone else.

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Canvas Lashes

Song that I am listening to while writing the following poem: 

Let Me Go By KDrew, Rico & Miella

If only I could muster of the words to tell people exactly how I feel                                                                                                                                                                               As limited as my vocabulary is, my breath mutters more than any definition could scream                                                                                                                                       So the way my body moves is it’s own language undefined, unnoticed

Tear drops are the one thing I can rely on, just as pictures explain more than anything vocalized ever could                                                                                                       It’s taken me years to realize, appreciate such gestures as those subliminal images                                                                                                                                             Atleast for now, poetry radiates a bit of what can be seen if you allow your imagination to gather enough information from such things

For now, kisses are the one form of poetry I haven’t experienced enough                                                                                                                                                                 The way lips softly brush the canvas with light strokes and                                                                                                                                                                                       butterfly lashes fluttering quickly as fast as one blinks                                                                                                                                                                                           marking it’s territory by leaving trails of salty tear like substances

One day I’ll be able to find a new canvas to project such broad ideas onto                                                                                                                                                                 and jump back and look for a bird’s eye view as such an illusion may appear from afar

Tainted Windows

It scares me how easily someone is able to see through my windows

Especially seeing as how I usually heavily curtain what’s behind them

It frightens me to no end to think that someone could keep my happiness going

When I so much as deprive myself of the positivity

I prefer winter’s cold shoulders.

I want to believe that the summer is more comforting than the winter, but I’m not quite sure that it is.

The winter calms me as it freezes the water droplets on tree branches.

The winter relaxes me everytime I see the sky shedding little pieces of frozen art.

The winter speaks to me in volumes, when the summer just keeps denying me of my air.

The winter bares my demons lighter than the summer claims to show.

But here I am trying to list the things that summer benefits me besides it’s positive vibes.

It’s rays of sunshine lifts me up, but maybe I’d rather the winter allow me to cilmb admist it’s cold shoulders.

It’s light tear falls dulls even the sharpest parts of me, but maybe I’d rather the winter stab me in the back with it’s icicles of truth.

It’s way of heating me feels nice, but I’d rather the winter show me all it has in store for me as it’s angry storms rip apart the seams of my very being.

Day 29 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

Song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Hello Time Bomb by Matthew Good Band

Write out something positive about yourself using the letters of your name. Ex. Your name is Bob so B-Beautiful O-Outstanding B-Boy.

I have a few preferred names thta I go by, but I’ll use the name that I’ve been going by for a while.

Joker

Aware

Self-Expressor

Pleaser

Expressive

Revived

I had to look up some words because I had thought of more negative words than positive.

Day 13 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

The song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Mammoth by The Devil Wears Prada

Bathrooms

If I was doing this challenge last year, I would most likely be writing about how confused I was about using washrooms ( I prefer to use washroom, I like the sound better ).

Fast tracking from last year to the present, I still find myself using the women’s washroom mostly when I have a job and or when I’m around people who don’t know that I’m transgender or I just feel awkward around certain people. 

But, saying that, I mostly use the men’s washroom in public. Sometimes it’s still nerve racking, even after a year of mostly using it. I’ve learned to just avoid eye contact with other men as much as possible. 

I’m not sure about in other cities, provinces or other countries besides Canada, but where I live, there’s security guards either in or outside of some of the washrooms, mostly in some malls and I get nervous around them because sometimes they look at me as though they can tell I wasn’t born male.

I just put my head down and continue walking, with as much confidence as I can muster up in the moment that is.

Day 09 – 30 Days Transgender Challenge.

Apparently I am bad with posting on the right day.

What is something positive about being trans?

I believe that finding out who supports me and who doesn’t can be a positive thing. Usually for me, I over think and become afraid to come out to certain people and a lot of them are still around and respect me for the most part. Although, some people who are still around, don’t accept it, but claim to still love me anyways.

Also, I’m learning things and discovering myself in ways that I probably wouldn’t have not being Trans, such as using the men’s washroom and being as comfortable as I am, (or for the most part ).