When the bullied became the bullier.

I came across a post on Tumblr by a blog that encouraged it’s followers to write a story starting off with or to contain the sentence ” Of course I was hurt the entire time. I just didn’t say anything. “

So I decided to share mine with my followers and people in general on here.

When the bullied became the bullier.

Of course I was hurt the whole time. I just didn’t say anything.

I had a hard time speaking up and using my voice. It was almost as though I hadn’t found a voice of my own that wasn’t shaky and half silent, half vocal.

They would taunt and tease me almost every single day.

You’re not feminine enough. Are you a boy or a girl? You write like a man. You’re in the wrong washroom, this is the girl’s.

Prior to being bullied regarding my gender identity, I had repeated grade 3 and that’s when it started. Before being called names and being made fun of, my biggest worry regarded getting home late after an after school activity and missing my favourite show on the television. I knew what bullying was, but I had never really been a victum of it before, or not to my awareness.

Can I do the same work as everyone else? I asked my grade 6 teacher. No you can’t.

No you can’t. 

Shot down by one of the school’s teachers. Just because I had a hard time with the work that the majority of other students my own age had been given.

Up until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t realized that being told that I couldn’t do something that other people could do, actually became the root of a few major incidents in my life. The root cause of many issues.

For years, I let people step over me, trample on me as though I almost wasn’t there. Treated as though my very presence was minor instead of influential.

Finally out of nowhere, my voice was found and it was being heard, but not listened to. Muffled by the gossip that flooded the halls, drowned out underneath the sea of fake friends and victumizers.

It was then that I became the bullier.

I stopped allowing people to treat me like a broken piece of glass. Word escaped my mouth that I wouldn’t dared to have spilt out prior. I stopped feeling bad for what I had thrown at others. Eventually, the feeling of power flooded through my veins and not just through my head.

Mind games. Torment. Emotional torture.

Eventually that’s what I put everyone through who crossed my paths, who showed any interest in me. I barely trusted anyone, so testing people became second nature to me after a while because it was easier to let people have my wrath, than for me to trust them right off the bat and have it gone to waste.

Balance finding.

Although I’ve been hurt, and hurt others, I’m trying harder to find a balance between trusting and not being too vulnerable. So far, it’s becoming less difficult.

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Wall Destroyer

Sometimes I simply can not express

the ways of my working mind

wandering around the darkly lit allies

within every limit

surfacing the crowds over and over again

examining the depths but only seeing

what wants to be seen

not just with my eyes

but through something else

unknown I guess you could say

But other times I can’t stop spilling my feelings

heart bared behind bars that noone can ever seem to be strong

enough to knock down

and everytime they get close to it, I back off

and run away because the past is what has

always been something I’ve known

Escaping is what i’m looking for

not just something that can fill this void

that seems to keep growing and growing

i’m not fixing it, i’m allowing it to be filled with short

fixes

Fixes that they themselves no longer can be fixed

You’re here now though

I’ve decided to write about you for once

because you deserve to know that you’re being thought of

and not just in a bad way

but a good way, a kind and gentle way

You have this wall, this guard, this mask

But I can see behind it

You know this, you’ve been told what I’m about to tell you

As I’m waiting for you to read my text, as I’m waiting to know

if you’re okay

That I know why you do what you do

Maybe it isn’t the past that forces you to be the way you are

But it’s society

because we all have our demons

Demons that shouldn’t ever be brought upbut I’ve told you mine and you’ve told me your’s

I’m not scared because of you anymore

If you’re afraid, i don’t blame you

it’s because I’ve been testing you

but you’ve seemed to have won

I soak up your attention, everything that you give me

I feel whole for a few days, to a month

but when you walk away, I’m broken again

left feeling like I had just used a drug and

the high wore off

I don’t do drugs, but if i were to

I’m sure I already know what the low highs feel like

Because more than high, I feel low

and sometimes I drink alcohol because it bares all of me and

I don’t hold back

My walls come down almost half way

But when i’m sober I pretend that what i’ve told you are lies

Because it hurts less

we don’t need a title

we don’t need anything

We don’t need to be friends, lovers

We’re just two people, two human beings, beings in general

Two master pieces that were created for some reason

That just happened to be in eachother’s lives

We just happen to feel something

But why should we label them?

If I stopped labelling, if I just stopped

You’d know that my persona is just an act

it’s just something that I put on

I keep upselling myself

but when i don’t, I still have something to me

you told me once that my face will only

get me so far, Maybe I’d prefer that i didn’t have a face

because a face is the first thing someone sees

You can tell alot by someone’s eyes, the way that their eyebrows are done

The way their lips sit

You can tell when they’re sad or happy

But without a face, that’s what the true test is

It’s something that makes it harder to discover someone

And with a blank face, you have to be willing

to allow yourself to sink downwards even if it’s something

that scares the hell out of you

Because you’ll never know until you try, atleast

that’s what alot of people say

You don’t have to believe me, for i don’t believe myself

You don’t have to let your guard down for me

I just want you to simply read this

because besides a face, besides just a personality

One can also tell alot by a person’s writing

The words they use

simple or broad

The way they organize their thoughts onto paper

The way the ink smudges as their hands drag along the paper

How dark or light the lead appears

Emotions show even when the person who is writing

Using the writing utensil

shows no emotion whatsoever

Everyone has something they’re hiding

But it’s okay

You know my dear, this poem is for you

Why you may ask?

Maybe because you need to know that I’m just a human

I want you to judge and critique me

even though I’m very judgemental, hypocritical

I want you to express how you feel about this

Tell me I’m not very good at writing

Destroy me so that I can feel something again

But baby, I already feel

whether you can see it or not

You know, I feel like writing this poem until you reply back to me

Even if it takes hours and I lose sleep

over it

because atleast I care enough to write something

To stay up and lose more sleep over and over again

It’s not very realistic or healthy

But maybe i do worry

maybe there’s more to this

simple or complex

broken and distorted

but again labels

labels that brain wash people into thinking and feeling

without labels 

our souls are bare and exposed more than no clothing

But you’ve got me

I’m stumped

for words for something

Lacking creativity

which i’ve never really been

I used to be as a child I’m sure

Our we both broken?

Are we both alive?

You have my attention

You don’t even have to confess your heart

You just don’t because i know how much it hurts

To love and then have nothing left

Drained of the one thing that atleast

kept you alive when you felt the most hollow and dead

I just want you to know these

things that crawl into my brain 

as you told me that you wanted to pick my brain layer by layer

You need help

I know that I need help
They’ve told me too many
Times on and off
You’re okay
Wait you need help
She won’t stick around you know
Because of your demons
But that’s okay I replied
Back to the devil
We create these visions
These situations
They don’t exist until they
Become what you’ve made them
Out to be
Your challenge

Bloody Cocktail

Letting this feeling set in
As it trickles down throughout
Your very body
Conquering every inch
Smothering every
Nook
That ever existed
In what you call
A soul
Liquid filling your lungs
Slowly destroying
Your heart like
A river breaking a dam
Allowing it to swallow
Every insecurity
You’ve ever had
If you’ve had any at all
In your life
Making you feel like
Your existence doesn’t even
Exist
They call this alcohol
But I view it as a bloody
Cocktail
Working it’s way
Into your system
Your brain
Convincing you that you can’t
Survive without it
Sober rarely
Whether on alcohol or
Not
Sober not really
Dependant on the feeling
Of being numb
You want to be numb
But at the same time you don’t
Making up love songs
That make no sense
Because you have no tune
And your guitar makes you
Look talented
Cool, but you pretend anyways
Because it takes away
And distracts others from
Seeing who you really are
Because really, you’re
More hurt than you lead on
You want to be alone
But being alone secretly kills you
So you suck up and take any attention you can get
You use and manipulate to get what you want because it makes you feel temporarily complete
But then you’re left feeling worse

Sick

So Ive been having doubts about the field that I work in, again lately and I don’t know what I’m going to do. I finally have a job that I wanted and need. But I’m not working to my full potential.

It’s natural, I mean alot of people have doubts, but I’m not sure what I want to go back to school for.

On top of that, I’m sick and I didn’t call in sick because I like to show that I’m dedicated to my job even if I’m sick enough to stay home, but luckily I just barely have a voice because I’d take this over throwing up.

Today is Friday, it’s a new day. It can go how I want it to go.

Happy Friday.

Blue Jays Game

So I’m not really a fan of sports, let alone Baseball. I mean I’d rather play them, but I’m not really into playing sports as much either. I used to okay basketball, but for fun. I also played Badminton in highschool.

So back onto the subject of Baseball, I got invited last minute, the day/night before the game. I said I was open to going because I wanted to be social.

So then after work yesterday (the day of the game), I was about to bail on my friend. I then changed my mind and decided to go.

Before we go there, I had a few shots of vodka, and I don’t really like drinking straight alcohol, but I decided that since a few other people were drinking that I atleast would.

Then my friends and I decided to go and buy Shwarmas and I normally wouldn’t have been able to eat such a huge sandwich sober, but I did.

Then at the game, I didn’t really pay much attention. To be quite frank, I don’t even remember who won. Not because I was typsy/drunk, but because I didn’t pay attention.

I was talking with a few guys I met through my friends and then this one guy randomly started staring at me. I thought I was a creep and I’ve been called a creep many times, but he wouldn’t stop staring. It was really awkward.

To sum up the rest of the night, I was glad that I went. I, being not so social, I would do it again just because I got to hang out with the guys.

Infact, one of them referred to everyone as “guys” or “bros”, I forget which term they used, but it felt nice.

I then woke up with a little bit of a headache and I took tyonel and almost passed out at work.

Coming out at work

Over the years, I have slowly come out to some people at offering work places. Sometimes I’m hesitant to come out to people I work with because not everyone accepts it. It’s not necessarily because I’m afraid to, I just don’t want to make things awkward, you know?

I haven’t really had any bad coming out situations, and I don’t really have a coming out story. As soon as I questioned my sexuality, I told my mom. It was awkward coming out to my dad I just don’t remember it that much.

I don’t really talk to my older brother about being a lesbian, but I’m okay with that.

I’ve come a long way with accepting myself. I also struggle with gender identity, but for now I only want to come out as a lesbian.

Today I came out to some of my coworkers only because the topic came up and I know that before I come out to people, there’s always that little fear where you think the person won’t accept you or be okay with it, but it usually isn’t that way for me.

I feel so much better because now I don’t have to refer to girls as “they” instead of “he” or “she”. I don’t have to lie and it’s not like I did, but I just didn’t say much.