Transitioning and pronouns.

I’m all over the place with identifying as one thing, then another thing. It not only confuses others, but myself.

One minute I identify as androgynous, the next transgender the next a queer transguy. I’ve gotten rude comments thrown at me either on Tumblr anonymously or even people who used to be my friends.

It’s not that I’m throwing different tags on my posts on various social networks just because I can, I’m not even ” throwing ” them, I’m using them because my gender and sexuality changes almost on a daily and it gets annoying when people just assume that I’m using said labels just because I can and to ” put a bad name behind gender ” as I’ve been told.

If anything, all in all, regardless if I further my transition by taking testosterone or not, first and foremost, I want to legally change my name and gender and get top surgery.

I am my own person and people’s words do not define me. I’m not apologizing for being on and off, back and forth with my identity. I don’t do that to piss anyone off.

 

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Stringed Mind

I can’t stand straight
See forward
Breathe softly
The alcohol is calling me
But tonight, I’m answering
Only the things that don’t
Scream my name
Or cry onto me
Here I am
Attempting to
Ignore the overwhelming
Emotion
Not only is it dark
Because at some point
Even the darkness had some
Light to it
This is different
It’s never seen the sun
It’s been sitting
Cradled
Nestled within my very rib cage
Heart you guess, no
Alive you ask, no
Dead you assume, no
Existent you ponder, no
It’s not a heart
It isn’t alive
is not dead
Nor does it exist
For it is something made up
To define one’s inner self
Numb to the core, it is

Dying to come back to life
But it was never alive
Never even breathing

Yet it still somehow
Yearns for my touch
My reply
My everything

Almost giving in
I reach my fingers across
The strings
Strumming
Harder and harder
Against the guitar
Faster and faster
The more I hold it in

I’m bursting, I say
Continue to play me, it said
I’m deeply saddened, I stuttered
Have faith in me, it replied
I just want to be loved, I cried
You’ve given up on me, but I’m still here, it answered

Still I sit here, trying to think of
Something clever to tell you
To sing to you
But all of my words
Come out as jumbled as my brain

Never try to pick through all
Of the layers of anyone
For even if you do
You will wish you never had
For the secrets that lie within
Are so scarily disturbing
That even the person
Withholding this
Information
These patterns
Can’t figure out
What’s going on
Nor do they know how to
Control it

Every fear
Every diagnosis
Every label
Every disease
It somehow allows us
To stick
To define
To mould to it
Like a shape shifter

This time it’s broken
There is no liquid
To turn solid into
A blasphemous shape