Alone is okay.

When you’re a kid, sometimes other children may poke fun at you because they see you sitting by the wall alone while they are playing on the playground. You just want to play by yourself or even sing songs to yourself.

When you’re a teenager, other teens calls you boring because you don’t want to drink underage or even in general and you’d rather stay inside on a friday night watching your favourite movie, rather than go to house parties or clubs with your friends. Being around people either brings you anxiety or you just prefer to spend time alone with your own thoughts.

When you’re an adult, many other adults will notice that you can barely keep a job long enough to even say that you’ve had a job or you don’t have a partner so you won’t most likely won’t find one in a long time. Maybe it’s just hard for you to be around people or even animals for some, maybe depression makes its’ way into your head and drags you down and makes it harder for you to make it out of the house for even as something simple as a coffee.

Regardless, it’s okay to have mental illnesses. They don’t define you. It’s also okay to prefer to be alone. Sometimes for some people, being alone is more beneficial for them than conversing with someone else.

Day 22 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

Song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Snowblind Featuring Tasha Baxter by Au5

Do you feel being trans holds you back from your career choice?

As of current, I don’t really know what my career choice would be. Growing up, I could see myself working with children, how? I’m not sure. So on that note, I had went to College to become an Early Childhood Educator and I didn’t really know if that was what I saw in my head as to what I wanted to do.

When I worked with children, near the end of my time working at the last childcare centre I had worked at, I was starting to question my gender again. I had already been known to the children my Miss (even though some kids said Mrs because I used to do that as well growing up out of habit – Insert my last name here -. I had already been known as ” she ” and other female pronouns. I didn’t know how to ask if I could start being called Jasper by my bosses and co-workers and Mr. – Insert my last name here -.

As of right now, it is something that I worry about having to bring up in future jobs and employment in general because for one, I haven’t legally changed my name or gender marker and my voice is still feminineish.

It only holds me back a little bit, sometimes I just play off being female still and deal with it. 

Stuck in the middle somewhere.

I have no idea what I’m going to do. I used to believe that I was someone and whenever things started to close in around me, things ended up looking up.

Now here I am, 25 years old, the year is a few months shy of ending and I’ve barely even made an income this year.

I graduated from Highschool and College with a Diploma, which I was the first among my siblings to graduate from College, which meant and means something to me. But was I just doing what I was ” supposed ” to do as a human being? 

Sometimes I think that I wasted my money because I’m no longer working in the field I studied in, but I was and did and I’m not sure if it’s what I really wanted to do.

I wanted to drop out so badly near the end of it, I pushed through the two years. I had met a few people during those two years who opened my eyes to new experiences and supported me in many ways.

Those people are rarely in my life now. I’ve managed to push them away. I was dating someone while studying and now I’m just sitting here basking in loneliness and depression and I keep getting a few job offers here and there, mostly temp work and I keep turning them down.

I know that things will get better if I keep believing that I can be someone again, I know that I used to be going somewhere.

I’ll get there, some how, some way, even if I end up doing things on my own.

 

Day 10 – 30 Days Transgender Challenge

I think that since I listen to music often while I’m writing/blogging, I’m going to list the song that I’m listening to as I’m writing just for fun.

Right now I’m listening to A Part Of Me ( Ft. Laura Whiteside ) by Neck Deep.

What are some of your fears in regards to being trans?

Personally, my fears may be different than other people’s fears, but a huge fear of mine is coming out to employers. 

When I was working with children, I was still identifying as female, but I was struggling with pronouns and trying to figure myself out. I was referred to as ” Ms. ” and my last name. I hadn’t asked to use my preferred name. I didn’t know how to go about it.

Then I had an interview at this place and asked if I could go by my preferred name and I never got the job, and I thought by that point I may have gotten it.

At my previous job, I had asked to be referred to as Jay and my boss asked me if that’s what I wanted and he never asked me why. It eased some of my worries.