Day 12 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

Song I’m listening to while writing this post:

Hostpial For Souls by Bring Me The Horizon

What are you doing to stay healthy for transitioning mentally and physically?

To be honest with everyone, I don’t really live a healthy lifestyle.

Although I an say that I go Longboarding a few times a week, even if it’s just to buy an Ice Cap from Tim Hortons or to go to the park to swing on the swing set for a while.

I am starting to go back to a Psychiatrist ( as I do not have a gender therapist as of yet ) that I saw back in January.

I also followed up with this centre in Ontario to see how much longer I have to wait for a gender therapist, let alone book an appointment to see one and they told me that I should only have to wait a little bit longer. I’m actually pretty happy about it.

 

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Day 04 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

How did your family take it when you came out? / If you are not out, why aren’t you?

I gradually came out, so it wasn’t as though I walked up to my parents and was like ” Mom, dad, I’m not female. You may think so, but I’m not. “. Infact, it was more so over the course of a few years prior to coming out. ” Mom, I think I want to take testosterone. ” I think I had said that at some point.

My parents don’t accept the fact that I believe that I’m not female. I understand, and I’d like to think that if I had children and I wasn’t Transgender, that I would support them either way.

I’m not out to some of my family members though. I told my older brother via text message one time and he took it better than I thought he would, but my younger brother constantly puts me down and tells me that I’m going to hell and pushes his religion on me.

I was adopted, so I have other brothers and sisters whom I had not grown up with and one of my younger sisters respects my pronouns as best as she can and my name. Sometimes there’s slip ups, especially because we’ve only known eachother for a year and a bit. But she’s come a long way.

As for my birth mother, she doesn’t really say much to me. We’re more aquaintances than anything else. I don’t consider her family really, only by blood, so I don’t really take her opinion to heart.

My cousins refuse to use my preferred pronouns and preferred name just as the family I grew up with. I still love them and I understand, it’s just not that easy.

 

 

I am me and that’s all I should be.

I did or said something that offended you and you tell me that I am not your brother but your sister and I’ll always be female, yet when we are getting along in general, you refer to me as your older brother with little or no hesitation?

I love you, you’re my little sister and I’ve only known you for over a year now. I never knew that I’d meet you and become so close to you. You’re one of my biggest supporters and allies and for that, I am greatly appreciative of.

I understand that I offend you at time, and do things to hurt you, but telling someone who doesn’t identify as the gender they were assigned with at birth that they will never be the gender that they not only identify as but actually are, is a really offensive punch to throw.

I’m not the gender I was assigned with, regardless, what does my gender identification have to do with fights that weren’t even revolved around gender or sexuality, or anything of the sort?

 

Day 01 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge.

When did you realize the term Transgender referred to you?

When I was in my late teen years, I had a friend who came out to me as Transgender and I didn’t understand. I actually stopped contacting that person because I didn’t understand Luckily when I contacted that person again they were willing to educate me further on what it meant.

I had been questioning my gender on and off for years regardless and it wasn’t until a little over a year ago that I had realized that I wasn’t the gender that I was assigned at birth.

 

Transgender struggles

I have been struggling with something for years. Sometimes I’m okay with it and other times, I am so conflicted about it, that just venting to people doesn’t help.

Everyone states their opinions on the matter, gives me advice and tells me to seek help. I know that I need help, but I’m stubborn and won’t follow through with it.

I am biologically female, yet I identify as both. Because the world has labels for everything, I’ve labelled myself after different things such as “Transgendered” “Male” “Female to male”, “Lesbian” and “Female”. I am constantly trying to find a label that works, that fits my personality, that matches my very thoughts, but there is not just one.

I know that labels should not define someone, but sometimes, I personally believe that they help.

I switch between wearing feminine clothing and masculine clothing, not shaving for a few days. Basically, I’m playing around with my gender and body to help ease my mind a little bit.

What it is like to be trapped in the wrong body.

when I look back at the past, my past, I see a typical child – innocent and thrived for exploring the world and all that it has to offer.

I guess i can say now that I see some signs of myself wanting to be a boy, but I think that that’s normal.

When I was in grade 6, had long hair and then cut it really short. I continued to get picked on for it. In grade 7, Middile School – Alot of the students called me names and constantly asked me if I were a boy or a girl, not only did I have short hair, but I had braces, bushy eyebrows and wore boyish looking clothes. I had this one shirt and that was from Zellers and I tried to convince my mother that I snook it from the boy’s clothing section when she wasn’t looking.

In grade 8, I started questioning my sexuality and in grade 10 I fell for a girl for the first time.

I was so confused. All of a sudden i started question my gender more than I had before and as I grew older, around 19 or 20 years old, I wasn’t 100% sure of who I was anymore, if I was even a female.

I was considering taking testosterone, but I knew that it would be exspensive. Besides that fact, it would be a huge change in my life and I dodn’t know if I would be ready for that.

I bound my chest yesterday for the first time and I felt suffocated so then I took off the bandage. It felt like a corset.

I don’t know if I’m having chest disphoria, but whatever it is, it’s a phase.

Has anyone ever felt as though their body was the wrong one?

The swallowing darkness no longer concaves the soul

The light of the sun beats down, but the heat radiates elsewhere

The trees are swaying, although the wind ceases to exist

Visions arise concerning the whereabouts of the night

Even the dark is jealous of the rays because it’s radiating positivity

The black tries to instill negativity within it’s surroundings

Attempting to swallow everything in site, in reach

Sometimes it wins, most of the time it wins, it really does

And when it does, it drains everything out of that being, laughing

Smiling with a mouth full of charred teeth

Looking at you with soulless eyes, watching you struggle

Because it knows that it’s easier to give in, rather than to fight

Against it’s very wrath

“I’m okay” they say, “I need help” they say, “But it’s way too hard to get back up” they said

Crying, oceans of salted waters, liquids pouring out like a steady but rough

riverbed, flowing down and around, over and above until there’s nothing left

Except for drowning breaths, shallow heartbeats 

Barely alive emotionally, starting to work on the physical aspects

The light, remember the light? Yes, the light is still there

It still exists and it’s staring it right in the face

Jumping in and rescueing the damaged and preventing damages

Showing it’s power by knocking down everything that has ever scared, broke or even killed

Another being, whether it be human or non-human

The showdown is almost done, but with one fight left

A person getting in between the two most powerful existances

They don’t use words, but show proof

That both sides have been a constant win-lose battle

Lifting up their head, their skin a grey pigment, eyes stained with pain

Glossed over with the reflection of the day

Arms covered in what looks like scars

Barely visible, but still noticeable

Words come crashing down from their mouth, out from under the veil

They confess that they have been letting one of the sides win

Drag them down, into a far abyss

so open and wide, they climbed in

But today they stand in front of their fear, facing it like it had never took a 

Toll on their soul

Heart racing, it beats so hard and it shows

The night stands still and allows the person to continue

It slowly starts to back off as their thoughts begin to take shape

Resembling something fierce

Getting down on their knees, the tears are starting

Trickling, exhausting every inch of their body

A smile appears, which remains for a few minutes

“I’m winning” they said, “The light helps, it’s positive energy is there” they said.

Only the light and the person remain.