Therapeutic Balances

On Friday October 17th, I had a consultation with a new therapist because recently I’ve decided that I need help with my mental health in general because I’ve put it off for many years and I just keep thinking that quick fixes get me places.

Quick fixes in my experience, really are just quick. They aren’t fixes, but that term just seems to follow the work “quick” sometimes.

Whether it be alcohol, antidepressants or even both of those mixed together. Longboarding, writing, singing, taking walks only soothes the soul so much when you’re burying the things that need to be worked on, pushed through.

For me, I’ve been struggling with dysphoria, with staying at jobs even through the hard times and just other things that have seem to have grown.

At first, I wasn’t sure how my appointment was going to go, because I get really nervous with Psychiatrists and Therapists, professionals in a whole. I got there early, which I wasn’t sure was going to happen seeing as I had to take two transit busses and then a subway to get there and so I waited for a bit.

While I was in the appointment, I felt so free… I’m used to telling complete strangers almost my entire life in stories and poems and whatever, but with therapists, it’s a hit and miss type situation for me. I either hide many details of my life, or I spill almost way too much. This time, I spilt enough information to help me feel great about it.

One minute I want therapy, the next I don’t, but this time I have a great feeling that I’m going to finally allow myself to get the help that I need. I realize that I may never end up being okay without therapy, but I’ll never know unless I try.

Verbal Mentality

You heard that I had tried                                                                                                                                                                                            to do myself in                                                                                                                                                                             go under the waves                                                                                                                                                                     allow them to swallow me as a whole

So you waited until the perfect time                                                                                                                                             told me of your past relationship with the devil himself                                                                                                             insisting that every step society has thought of to help recover one’s passion                                                                         for life is not tailored for each and every individual

Advice is what you sought out to give me                                                                                                                                  although you gave me your experience                                                                                                                                      that is one thing you can’t take away from someone

Continuing the conversation between drifted off day dreaming you mentioned                                                                     that if I go to see a professional                                                                                                                                        whether they be a psychiatrist or therapist and I become agitated                                                                                           at said person that they aren’t there to be my friend or to even                                                                                        purposely hurt me                                                                                                                                                                      that the reason I may have become agitated may                                                                                                                    be because those words were the truth and the truth kills

So on I went listening                                                                                                                                                            Sitting there                                                                                                                                                                        Actually paying attention to the words being verbally spewed                                                                                                then I hear the next sentence

You have to ask yourself, he said ” Do I really want to get better? ”                                                                                     Then you said that you were leaving that day to go somewhere                                                                                     suggested that I promise to give him an answer                                                                                                                        if I want him to help me or to continue                                                                                                                                  living in the darkened shadows that have become my life

I noticed you looking at me                                                                                                                                                          but as with anyone else                                                                                                                                                               I was too shy to look you in the eyes regardless what he said next                                                                                                                                                                                            I had no idea would ever exist to my ears once again until he worded them                                                                               ” Look at me, you’re a good person, you hate hearing that don’t you? Because you don’t believe that you’re a good person, but you are. ”

Thinking as it always comes naturally to me, set in and I had started putting in more effort with getting mental help after he had left and come back than I had in ages, maybe even years but it didn’t last long and here I am back to square one, starting to get therapy again

Confined Spaces

I look for you in places where only certain parts of the sun have touched

I find you in spaces that even the moon hasn’t been able to light

I lose you in cities which are unknown to man and beast

I only have myself and nature and maybe that’s okay

The swallowing darkness no longer concaves the soul

The light of the sun beats down, but the heat radiates elsewhere

The trees are swaying, although the wind ceases to exist

Visions arise concerning the whereabouts of the night

Even the dark is jealous of the rays because it’s radiating positivity

The black tries to instill negativity within it’s surroundings

Attempting to swallow everything in site, in reach

Sometimes it wins, most of the time it wins, it really does

And when it does, it drains everything out of that being, laughing

Smiling with a mouth full of charred teeth

Looking at you with soulless eyes, watching you struggle

Because it knows that it’s easier to give in, rather than to fight

Against it’s very wrath

“I’m okay” they say, “I need help” they say, “But it’s way too hard to get back up” they said

Crying, oceans of salted waters, liquids pouring out like a steady but rough

riverbed, flowing down and around, over and above until there’s nothing left

Except for drowning breaths, shallow heartbeats 

Barely alive emotionally, starting to work on the physical aspects

The light, remember the light? Yes, the light is still there

It still exists and it’s staring it right in the face

Jumping in and rescueing the damaged and preventing damages

Showing it’s power by knocking down everything that has ever scared, broke or even killed

Another being, whether it be human or non-human

The showdown is almost done, but with one fight left

A person getting in between the two most powerful existances

They don’t use words, but show proof

That both sides have been a constant win-lose battle

Lifting up their head, their skin a grey pigment, eyes stained with pain

Glossed over with the reflection of the day

Arms covered in what looks like scars

Barely visible, but still noticeable

Words come crashing down from their mouth, out from under the veil

They confess that they have been letting one of the sides win

Drag them down, into a far abyss

so open and wide, they climbed in

But today they stand in front of their fear, facing it like it had never took a 

Toll on their soul

Heart racing, it beats so hard and it shows

The night stands still and allows the person to continue

It slowly starts to back off as their thoughts begin to take shape

Resembling something fierce

Getting down on their knees, the tears are starting

Trickling, exhausting every inch of their body

A smile appears, which remains for a few minutes

“I’m winning” they said, “The light helps, it’s positive energy is there” they said.

Only the light and the person remain.