Feared Childhood

Hello bellows stranger, smiling
Response returned, screams
Watching beady eyes, dialing
Numbers shredded through their mind as they’re calculating how long another reply is going to take

Strangled by the tension, eating away at the shrapnel covered bones that lay upon my beating heart
Burying me among the blossoming beats
Grinning as I return the glance

Little was known, the little boy inside of me was protecting the adult me from what happened long ago
Shrieks, laughs, mocking
Taunting and teasing
Sticks, word stones strewn

Quickly, racing around in the circles of my bottomless galaxy
Get out of here, but my body is responding in similar ways as my child – like self did

Up, worried, scared running further
Soaring through the wind with whiplashes of the scenery warping beneath my feet

Home, at last.

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Broken, but slowly healing.

Little did I know, just a little boy myself, that something would be ripped from me
Who’s to say what breaks you or makes you
Analyze, study different aspects
Details, dissecting
I didn’t know that I’d come to hate someone so much
Blame one person for something I most likely gave consent to
Not even knowing what it meant, what was happening
In a daze, little things come to mind, rest a haze
Maze, walking through my mind and he had no idea just what he had stolen
If only he had said something, no
He moved forward, happily
Angry I was, such a hate chewing boy I was
And here I am, still in shambles, scrambling everywhere to discover the things that both broke and died

Alone is okay.

When you’re a kid, sometimes other children may poke fun at you because they see you sitting by the wall alone while they are playing on the playground. You just want to play by yourself or even sing songs to yourself.

When you’re a teenager, other teens calls you boring because you don’t want to drink underage or even in general and you’d rather stay inside on a friday night watching your favourite movie, rather than go to house parties or clubs with your friends. Being around people either brings you anxiety or you just prefer to spend time alone with your own thoughts.

When you’re an adult, many other adults will notice that you can barely keep a job long enough to even say that you’ve had a job or you don’t have a partner so you won’t most likely won’t find one in a long time. Maybe it’s just hard for you to be around people or even animals for some, maybe depression makes its’ way into your head and drags you down and makes it harder for you to make it out of the house for even as something simple as a coffee.

Regardless, it’s okay to have mental illnesses. They don’t define you. It’s also okay to prefer to be alone. Sometimes for some people, being alone is more beneficial for them than conversing with someone else.

Day 20 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

Song that I’m listening to while writing this post:

Mammoth by The Devil Wears Prada

Do you want to be a parent, why or why not?

My mind switches, sometimes I want to be, other times I don’t.

I want to atleast be stable both financially and mentally before I considering bringing a child into this world and my home.

Even if I don’t end up being in a relationship with someone, I’d like to adopt a child and raise them by myself.

I grew up being surrounded with children and I even used to be an Early Childhood Educator. I no longer work with children, but I have younger siblings.