When the bullied became the bullier.

I came across a post on Tumblr by a blog that encouraged it’s followers to write a story starting off with or to contain the sentence ” Of course I was hurt the entire time. I just didn’t say anything. “

So I decided to share mine with my followers and people in general on here.

When the bullied became the bullier.

Of course I was hurt the whole time. I just didn’t say anything.

I had a hard time speaking up and using my voice. It was almost as though I hadn’t found a voice of my own that wasn’t shaky and half silent, half vocal.

They would taunt and tease me almost every single day.

You’re not feminine enough. Are you a boy or a girl? You write like a man. You’re in the wrong washroom, this is the girl’s.

Prior to being bullied regarding my gender identity, I had repeated grade 3 and that’s when it started. Before being called names and being made fun of, my biggest worry regarded getting home late after an after school activity and missing my favourite show on the television. I knew what bullying was, but I had never really been a victum of it before, or not to my awareness.

Can I do the same work as everyone else? I asked my grade 6 teacher. No you can’t.

No you can’t. 

Shot down by one of the school’s teachers. Just because I had a hard time with the work that the majority of other students my own age had been given.

Up until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t realized that being told that I couldn’t do something that other people could do, actually became the root of a few major incidents in my life. The root cause of many issues.

For years, I let people step over me, trample on me as though I almost wasn’t there. Treated as though my very presence was minor instead of influential.

Finally out of nowhere, my voice was found and it was being heard, but not listened to. Muffled by the gossip that flooded the halls, drowned out underneath the sea of fake friends and victumizers.

It was then that I became the bullier.

I stopped allowing people to treat me like a broken piece of glass. Word escaped my mouth that I wouldn’t dared to have spilt out prior. I stopped feeling bad for what I had thrown at others. Eventually, the feeling of power flooded through my veins and not just through my head.

Mind games. Torment. Emotional torture.

Eventually that’s what I put everyone through who crossed my paths, who showed any interest in me. I barely trusted anyone, so testing people became second nature to me after a while because it was easier to let people have my wrath, than for me to trust them right off the bat and have it gone to waste.

Balance finding.

Although I’ve been hurt, and hurt others, I’m trying harder to find a balance between trusting and not being too vulnerable. So far, it’s becoming less difficult.

Advertisements

LGBT Movies – Get taught everything by an ostensible

A few years ago, back when i was just coming out as a Lesbian, I started searching for lesbian movies.

I’d ask my friends for suggestions, I’d even search for Lesbian movies and titles on Google and YouTube. But for some reason, there seems to be more movies and tv shows about homosexual males, rather than homosexual females.

I have now started my own Lesbian and Gay movie and show collection. I will buy a movie about Lesbians, even if I haven’t seen it before.

Some movies that I have in my collection are:

Imagine Me and You – About a woman who just got married to a man and falls inlove with the Flourist.

And Then Came Lola – Low Budget movie about lesbians.

I Love You Phillip Morris – A man who falls inlove with another man.

Milk – Harvey Dent – Based on true events.

The L Word – The title says it all.

Some movies that I have seen, but do not own are:

The Adventures of Two Girls Inlove – About a girl who meets a straight girl.

Loving Annabella – About a rebellious student who falls inlove with her teacher.

Bloomington – Another movie about a student who falls inlove with her teacher.

Boy Don’t Cry – About a transgender – FTM who falls for a straight girl and hides who he is until she finds out.

I’m sure I’ve seen more, but if anyone has any suggestions of movies or even tv shows, I would like to know.

The radio staggers against the backspace!