Therapeutic Balances

On Friday October 17th, I had a consultation with a new therapist because recently I’ve decided that I need help with my mental health in general because I’ve put it off for many years and I just keep thinking that quick fixes get me places.

Quick fixes in my experience, really are just quick. They aren’t fixes, but that term just seems to follow the work “quick” sometimes.

Whether it be alcohol, antidepressants or even both of those mixed together. Longboarding, writing, singing, taking walks only soothes the soul so much when you’re burying the things that need to be worked on, pushed through.

For me, I’ve been struggling with dysphoria, with staying at jobs even through the hard times and just other things that have seem to have grown.

At first, I wasn’t sure how my appointment was going to go, because I get really nervous with Psychiatrists and Therapists, professionals in a whole. I got there early, which I wasn’t sure was going to happen seeing as I had to take two transit busses and then a subway to get there and so I waited for a bit.

While I was in the appointment, I felt so free… I’m used to telling complete strangers almost my entire life in stories and poems and whatever, but with therapists, it’s a hit and miss type situation for me. I either hide many details of my life, or I spill almost way too much. This time, I spilt enough information to help me feel great about it.

One minute I want therapy, the next I don’t, but this time I have a great feeling that I’m going to finally allow myself to get the help that I need. I realize that I may never end up being okay without therapy, but I’ll never know unless I try.

Awakened Stamps

When I was a little boy, I was a girl                                                                                                                                                 who enjoyed the presence of dinky cars and                                                                                                                                   ninja turtles pizza shooting toys

Hanging around girls is where you could usually find me                                                                                                           getting excited                                                                                                                                                                               liberated by the thought of people seeing me                                                                                                                               how I felt inside and wondering how I got mixed among the company of the opposite sex

It wasn’t until my hips widened and my given labels made me feel dysphoric                                                                             before I realized what Dysphoric meant                                                                                                                                           that I came to the realization that I was not the stamp that was implanted                                                                                     upon my very being nor did I really fit under one category of personality                                                                                     but too fluid to even have one word to be the definition of

Day 17 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

Song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Latch by Disclosure Featuring Sam Smith

What’s your binding choice and why?

I haven’t been binding for a while, but my main choice for chest binding is wearing a chest binder, but I haven’t worn one for a few months. I just stick to wearing extra layers of clothing.

Before I had discovered the wonderful world of chest binders, I had done the whole Ace bandaging technique. I didn’t like it.

 

 

Day 14 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

Song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Fix You By Coldplay

What are some of your passing tips or things you do to pass?

Before I had ever worn a chest binder, and even currently as I no longer posses a chest binder at the moment, I would layer my shirts, mostly in twos and threes.

I’d make sure that my t-shirts didn’t cling to my chest and if they did, I’d wear a sweater to cover up my chest.

As for having female hips and behind, I would and still wear my jeans low. But I’ve been doing that for years. I also wear a hat or a hoodie to cover the majority of my head or enough to pull over my face as I walk into the men’s washroom.

When it comes to speaking with people, mostly strangers, I’ll either lower my voice or limit what I’m saying. I try not to make it sound forced and or obvious that it’s being forced. 

 

Day 13 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

The song that I am listening to while writing this post:

Mammoth by The Devil Wears Prada

Bathrooms

If I was doing this challenge last year, I would most likely be writing about how confused I was about using washrooms ( I prefer to use washroom, I like the sound better ).

Fast tracking from last year to the present, I still find myself using the women’s washroom mostly when I have a job and or when I’m around people who don’t know that I’m transgender or I just feel awkward around certain people. 

But, saying that, I mostly use the men’s washroom in public. Sometimes it’s still nerve racking, even after a year of mostly using it. I’ve learned to just avoid eye contact with other men as much as possible. 

I’m not sure about in other cities, provinces or other countries besides Canada, but where I live, there’s security guards either in or outside of some of the washrooms, mostly in some malls and I get nervous around them because sometimes they look at me as though they can tell I wasn’t born male.

I just put my head down and continue walking, with as much confidence as I can muster up in the moment that is.

Day 12 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

Song I’m listening to while writing this post:

Hostpial For Souls by Bring Me The Horizon

What are you doing to stay healthy for transitioning mentally and physically?

To be honest with everyone, I don’t really live a healthy lifestyle.

Although I an say that I go Longboarding a few times a week, even if it’s just to buy an Ice Cap from Tim Hortons or to go to the park to swing on the swing set for a while.

I am starting to go back to a Psychiatrist ( as I do not have a gender therapist as of yet ) that I saw back in January.

I also followed up with this centre in Ontario to see how much longer I have to wait for a gender therapist, let alone book an appointment to see one and they told me that I should only have to wait a little bit longer. I’m actually pretty happy about it.

 

Day 04 – 30 Day Transgender Challenge

How did your family take it when you came out? / If you are not out, why aren’t you?

I gradually came out, so it wasn’t as though I walked up to my parents and was like ” Mom, dad, I’m not female. You may think so, but I’m not. “. Infact, it was more so over the course of a few years prior to coming out. ” Mom, I think I want to take testosterone. ” I think I had said that at some point.

My parents don’t accept the fact that I believe that I’m not female. I understand, and I’d like to think that if I had children and I wasn’t Transgender, that I would support them either way.

I’m not out to some of my family members though. I told my older brother via text message one time and he took it better than I thought he would, but my younger brother constantly puts me down and tells me that I’m going to hell and pushes his religion on me.

I was adopted, so I have other brothers and sisters whom I had not grown up with and one of my younger sisters respects my pronouns as best as she can and my name. Sometimes there’s slip ups, especially because we’ve only known eachother for a year and a bit. But she’s come a long way.

As for my birth mother, she doesn’t really say much to me. We’re more aquaintances than anything else. I don’t consider her family really, only by blood, so I don’t really take her opinion to heart.

My cousins refuse to use my preferred pronouns and preferred name just as the family I grew up with. I still love them and I understand, it’s just not that easy.