Broken, but slowly healing.

Little did I know, just a little boy myself, that something would be ripped from me
Who’s to say what breaks you or makes you
Analyze, study different aspects
Details, dissecting
I didn’t know that I’d come to hate someone so much
Blame one person for something I most likely gave consent to
Not even knowing what it meant, what was happening
In a daze, little things come to mind, rest a haze
Maze, walking through my mind and he had no idea just what he had stolen
If only he had said something, no
He moved forward, happily
Angry I was, such a hate chewing boy I was
And here I am, still in shambles, scrambling everywhere to discover the things that both broke and died

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Photoshopped Reality

I worry that it’s out of line, out of your comfort zone, boundary                                                                                                                                                                                                 But I want to, tell you, show you things that don’t come easy to me                                                                                                                                                                                       Baring them would mean that I’m giving you permission to take it all in

Destroy what I am meaning to give to you, handing over those that my hands have reaped, but not sewn                                                                                                               Dissect me, compare and contrast the things that make me tick and what you’re intrigued by                                                                                                                                         Light my way into easy paradise with your sun kissed window                                                                                                                                                                                                   Let me peer through, further depths Inside what one would call soul                                                                                                                                                                                 Heart

I want to know more about you because what I see in your pictures                                                                                                                                                                             Photography only an amateur would want to photoshop, take away from                                                                                                                                                                           Your beauty that radiates without even a red room, red light to reveal the blemishes that only your scars now show                                                                                                     I care about you in ways that I didn’t know I’d come to, stumble upon, across                                                                                                                                                                     Fall into every time we converse

Hi, hello, I don’t even need a conversation with you that goes beyond just a simple salut, hola                                                                                                                                              to feel what I feel, to know what I know and to want what I want with you, from you, by your side

I barely know you, but your writing implements, implies more than I could even begin to tell you                                                                                                                             Please continue to inspire others the way you inspire likeminded individuals and people who feel the need to tell you how they feel regarding your status                                 I cry just knowing that you’re still here, friend or no friend, I see you in a different light and storytelling doesn’t justify me

Trembling Intentions

You hinted that you wanted inside my head

I smothered you with the warmest temptatons

But scolded you with the cruelest intentions

Words that have not yet reached my trembling vocal chords

You told me that you still wanted to know about me

I took that into my own one hand with a slight flick of the softest wrist

Used my cold hand with a more harsher affect by allowing you to feel the things I’ve done

You still wanted me to show you more

I tried to dig deeper into my vault of nightmares

Ended up opening old wounds just to have you touch them with an ooze of kindness

Running, I started to run, while my body stood still and you looked at me

” Oh child, I want you, need you to let me in ”

Mouth wide, breathing sounds escaped from the space, but no words rolled off my tongue

I knew from that moment that you had seen not what you wanted, but turned the sights into something soft

Unwatered haunts

Sometimes you haunt me like the wildflowers that shed in the name of myself forgetting to water them

Sometimes your name rings in my ear like the sound of a moving train right above my head

Sometimes your laugh is found among those who are troubled just like you and I

Sometimes your face plants itself on top of every reflection I see as I travel to places you’ve never gone with me

Sometimes your words are the one thing that holds me back from becoming a better version of myself

So here I am, lost but still wandering
Troubled but able to find a way without you

You do not have the right to attempt to destroy who I am because who I was is someone you can’ stand to see breathing

You no longer have any control over who I am just because what I did hurt you

I have tried and tried and tried to be there for you and show you that I was sorry instead of just telling you empty promises

I’m alive and it isn’t because of you

Right mind, wrong body

Insane
Crazy
You’ll never be a man
They said
You won’t make a good guy
They repeated
They know it hurts you
Because it hurts them as well
But it’s like they need justification
Reassurance
That they aren’t just being naive
But that it’s true
Yes I am male
On the inside
Sometimes it kills
To the point of crying because
I’m in the wrong body
Skin crawling
It’s not a disease
It was a malfunction
A dysmorphia
And you can’t just crawl
Back into the womb as a man
You have to start your life all over
Changes
Puberty
Changes
Heart
Changes
Brain